From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE
This just in…
House Committee Demands White House Produce A Scandal
(WASHINGTON D.C.)---The House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform will hold hearings early next month to grill Obama administration officials about a lack of quality scandals originating in the White House, sources say.
"We've exhausted all of our leads and didn't turn up a thing," said a Republican committee member who asked to remain anonymous. "Solyndra, Fast and Furious, the IRS, the tan suit---even our ace in the hole, Benghazi, is a big nothingburger and at this point we're down to investigating rounding errors in office supply expenditures."
Sources confirm this is a gavel.
Added the source: "We're going through crossword puzzles over here faster than crap through a goose. Every day is the same---crickets."
The committee will order the White House to dig as deep as possible and turn over all relevant documents that will lead them to at least one impeachment-worthy scandal. "If they fail to comply, then we'll have no choice but to investigate the lack of investigation-worthy misdeeds during the president's second term," said the source. "And his first term, we're not real picky at this point."
Democrats say Republicans are grasping at straws, and vowed to launch their own investigation into the investigations. "Perhaps they should try legislating instead of chasing their own tails," said Select Committee on Benghazi member Elijah Cummings (D-MD). Republicans say they might look into doing that. But one congressman who requested anonymity said it "sounds really boring."
Sources different from the other sources say the White House has until Friday to turn over its most scandalous documents "or we're going to be really mad." The White House has not yet responded to the request beyond a long string of question marks in a tweet.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Note: Justice Alito has knobby knees. Film at 11.
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9 days!!!
By the Numbers:
Days 'til
Canada Day:
8
Days 'til the
Iowa City Jazz Festival:
9
Percent of women who financially supported their household in 1960:
11%
Percent who do today:
40%
Number of states in which daycare expenses exceed the cost of public college tuition:
31
(Source: Pew Research)
Total U.S. maple syrup production this year, up 6.3%:
3.4 million gallons
Rank of VT, NY and ME among top syrup producers:
#1, #2, #3
(Source: USDA)
Women's World Cup Soccer
United States 2 Colombia 0
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Tuesday Words of Wisdom from the Right-wing Blogosphere:
Triple-play from Hot Air:
Where integrity goes to die.
You know what would save more lives than removing a confederate flag ??? Removing liberals from having any control over our lives.
---Tlie
Next up--banning crosses even inside churches as they might offend any muslims planting bombs or chasing after their daughters to “honor” kill them.
---vdaj
Howdy. I’ll be buying my Confederate flag tomorrow. Spawn will be buying one soon as well-and along with Israeli and Kurdish flags. Freedom!
---Littletwerp
All together now: 1…2…3…
Classy!
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dispute resolution fail:
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The sun.
CHEERS to starting off the morning with good news. The
Athens Banner Herald newspaper in Georgia posted this yesterday on its web site:
This is the emergency broadcast system. Please ignore this message as always. BTW, the sun just exploded, and we’re all about to die.
They had to
post a retraction to stave off panic in the streets. It turns out the sun hadn't exploded and we weren't all about to die. Ha ha, whoops. Big mistake. It's not until
July 22nd. Thanks for ruining the surprise.
The Hurry Up And Wait gang.
JEERS to the big tease. Never let it be said that the Supreme Court doesn't practice the fine art of showmanship. Yesterday they had all the time in the world to deliver a major ruling on this or that, and instead we got a few medium rulings (including one on raisins and one on Spiderman). Then they announced they were going to stretch this thing out even more by adding an extra "decision day" before adjourning for the session. So rulings on marriage equality, Obamacare and the death penalty will now be pronounced on Thursday or Friday or Monday. In the meantime, enjoy this little SCOTUS bon mot: On this date in 1989, the Court
refused to shut down the dial-a-porn industry, saying that indecent speech is not the same thing as obscenity, and is therefore protected. Interestingly, all the justices in the majority had cauliflower ears. Coincidence, I'm sure.
CHEERS to today's edition of He Says That Like It's A Bad Thing. Stepping up to the microphone today is one Addison Mitchell "Mitch" McConnell:
“Hillary Clinton and her team believe that America has moved left: She’s not going to run as Bill. She’s going to run as herself, which isn’t a whole lot distinguishable from Elizabeth Warren.”
This has been today's edition of
He Says That Like It's A Bad Thing.
JEERS to a crude response. Hey, let's see how all the new whiz-bang technology the fossil-fuel industry says is making cleanups faster and more thorough is going in California. I bet it's awesome:
Cutting-edge technology.
Thanks, fossil fuel industry.
Along a stretch of beach heavily marred by a crude oil spill, workers in hard hats and white protective suits use wire brushes and putty knives to scrape the black liquid off cobblestones and cliff faces. … Scrubbing rocks by hand will take time, however. "It's a very labor-intensive process, but that's where we're at now," Carl Childs of the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration, one of several agencies involved in the cleanup, said recently. There's no timetable for when the cleanup will end. The effort so far has cost at least $65 million, which is being paid for by Texas-based Plains All American Pipeline.
But I hear the hard hats are very advanced.
JEERS to the grifter class. If you're wondering what's become of the tree from which apple Rand Paul didn't fall far from, get a look at Ron Paul, internet banner ad star:
If you have an interest, you can watch him
read his prophesies of doom off a teleprompter as he hawks subscriptions to a really
exciting newsletter that tells you when the financial bombs are gonna fall. But if you look into the company's disclosure statement, Ron Paul's superhuman predictions seem less remarkable when you run into this disclaimer: "A very important warning: we make mistakes." That's good to know. ("Hello, Hammacher Schlemmer? Cancel my doomsday bunker.")
CHEERS to Things That Go Clackety-Clack for $200, Alex. On June 23, 1868, Christopher Latham Sholes received a patent for his "Type-writer," the first to have the famous QWERTY sequence on its upper keys. Today bloggers who can't think of anything for their subject line typically go south for the edgier and more mysterious "asdf." And the day someone decides to drop down to "zxcv"? Anarchy, I tell you.
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Ten years ago in C&J: June 23, 2005
JEERS to Bush's "mission." What's today's justification for invading Iraq...WMDs? Freedom? A chance to watch kewl explosions on TV? The Center for American Progress lays out the smorgasbord of reasons we've been spoon-fed for going to war. Funny thing...Power, revenge and oil are nowhere to be found.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to running the tightest ship in the galaxy far far away. Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens opens in less than six months (five months and 25 days, but who's counting), and more coolness is starting to trickle out. For example: in addition to Luke Skywalker, Princess Leia and Han Solo, guess who's returning for more rebelling against the Empire? None other than the genius Mon Calamari strategist not seen since Return of the Jedi 32 years ago. Yes…beloved Admiral Gial "It's a trap!" Ackbar:
Bit of trivia: the guy who provided Ackbar's voice,
Erik Bauersfeld, is apparently still active at 92. Oh, and in other news, earlier this month John Williams started
laying down score tracks in L.A. But he's only 83. Bauersfeld yells at him to get offa his lawn.
May the Tuesday be with you. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
"Well, I go as much as I can. Always on Christmas. Always on Easter. Always when there's a major occasion. And during the Sundays. I'm a Sunday Cheers and Jeers person.”
---Donald Trump
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