In an already crowded field of GOP Presidential contenders, a surprising new entry has drawn considerable attention.
This Jar of Dead Earwigs, most recently know for being creepy and sometimes voracious garden pests, have been contacted by God. "If it were up to us," the Jar of Dead Earwigs said in their press conference early this morning, "we would just decompose, feeding the earth with our bodies. But God -- who is a straight white human male with a beautiful head of hair, by the way -- made it clear that He wanted us to govern the world's most powerful military nation. We are just a bunch of dead earwigs; who are we to question the will of God?"
The GOP reaction to this announcement below the fold!
Prieeieence Reeieibus, Chairman of the RNC, expressed unbridled enthusiasm for the Jar of Dead Earwigs, noting that they have a stronger grasp of America's political system than the rest of the GOP presidential candidates combined. "They're just insects, and dead insects to boot, but I feel that they have a better ability to connect with Americans than Donald Trump."
Other thought leaders and influential members of the GOP have also grown enamored of this unorthodox candidate. Indiana native and traditional marriage advocate Becky Wegner Rommel was spotted at a recent rally supporting the Jar of Dead Earwigs. "At first I was concerned that the dead earwigs weren't white, but then someone told me that they were at least as white as Bobby Jindal. And after spending some time with their drowned corpses, I realized that they truly understand that America is a Christian nation that has lost its way. I believe that the Jar of Dead Earwigs is the only candidate that has the will and faith to repeal SatanObamaCare and end the scourge of SatanicMexicanIslamicGays that are ruining our great country."
Even the Duggars, some of the brightest stars in the conservative universe, have thrown their considerable weight behind the Jar of Dead Earwigs. "Earwigs can have up to 50 babies at a time! That is a future that I can believe in," chirped Michelle Duggar.
The Jar of Dead Earwigs has already taken second place in national polling and is quickly gaining on frontrunner Donald Trump. When asked for his take on this highly charismatic candidate, Trump had only this to say: "Earwigs are murderers and rapists and gays and transsexuals and terrorists! I will win the Earwig vote!"