So, the last few days, I need to learn how to calm down and not be panicking about what I'm going to do.
That's the first thing. Course, I'm going to get my life together, make things happen, etc... etc...
But I'm not going to have it by tomorrow, and that's ok. It's the one thing I've finally got to get over from my folks.
Sometimes, when you're pushing as hard as you can, YOU'RE the one that breaks.
(Days and thoughts on the flip)
So, Day before Yesterday I went to bed late. I couldn't sleep but fortunately there was a Law and Order channel... (My guilty pleasure. It's so easy to just turn off the brain with that show. What gets me about it is, I love to count the number of times the characters violate civil rights and get away with it...) So I finally fell asleep late.
When I did wake up it was about an hour till time to go. Office was occupied with kids online, so I grabbed a couple minutes to drop a kosmail, then got going.
Hit Portland around 2. After California, I'm amazed at how short the drive seemed to be. Glad to find a Costco up here. Called up the Kossack who's helping me out, and although we were a bit early, we managed to get moved in, and comfortable. Had a lovely dinner, some great conversation, and overall was very pleasant.
And I'm finding I can't slow down. It's really hard for me to relax and just accept the help. I always feel like I NEED to be doing something. Maybe it's my PTSD, maybe it's just my paranoia after living in my folks house, but I feel like if I'm not washing something, cleaning up something, or actively parenting I'm somehow neglecting my responsibilities.
It's really hard to just step back once in a while. I'm trying, but I keep flinching over my shoulder, waiting for the next shoe to drop or somebody to tell me what I'm doing is wrong. I looked up the symptoms online... Yup, my PTSD was exacerbated by living where I was. Course there are other indicators, but seems that I'm finally able to note that my actions/thoughts were made WORSE by where I was.
And I have the internet back. Which is a major source of joy for me. I love to tinker with my computer, and the programs therein. As a result not being able to write, mod, or communicate regularly was a nightmare. Apart from a minor problem involving my computer and a messed up IP address... (Got to remember NOT to listen to Microsoft Help. It never helps.)
Anyhoo, went to the Portland VA this morning. Unlike down south, saw a Psychiatrist TODAY, even with their staffing problems. They tell me that my symptoms and depression are depression, which I sometimes come out of. That's what the VA doctor who gave me my PTSD rating gave me, and the one up here agrees with. It ISN'T the diagnosis of the Pharmacist down south. (Yeah, a Pharmacist. Apparently I wasn't seeing a psychiatrist in Monterey. Course nobody told me that...)
Took only a few hours, and have a moment to sit back and relax. Trying to deal with things that I hadn't noticed before. For example, my kids and I almost always ate a HUGE lunch where I was. Reason being that it kept us out of the kitchen, thus avoiding arguments with the folks. Now that we're on our own, it's noticeable because none of us are hungry for dinner. It's an unhealthy pattern we should break out of. In addition, I notice that my kids are taunting each other quite a bit now. Not that it's a bad thing. They're in a new area and are nervous. I think of it like an infection. Now that I can SEE the problems, I can help fix it.
I'm not perfect. However there was no way in hell I was going to get better where I was. I was misdiagnosed, condescended to, and generally treated as less of a person. It's amazing how when I'm actually being treated as a functional adult, I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I hope I can get over this. I really want to just be able to enjoy the days. Yes, there is work to be done, but I need to learn to sit back, relax, and not panic that someone is looking over my shoulder, judging me.
It's probably going to take a long time.
5:07 PM PT: And there's been a song that I associate with every major change in my life. Going to share it because it means a lot to me.