This started as satire. But the more I wrote, the more I realized I couldn't add that tag. The original ten amendments simply do not reflect reality. They went out the window with our democracy.
Footnotes referring to data, articles, research, etc., are listed at the end of the diary (Note some links go directly to pdf academic articles. See the list at the end for a brief description).
Bill of RightsTM
Amendment I
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof, unless it interferes with the free market (1); The freedom of speech shall be proportional to a person’s wealth (2); The press is free to express the diverse opinions of the oligarchy (3); The right of the people peaceably to assemble and organize shall not be infringed upon, unless they are attempting to unionize or protest against existing inequalities; The right to petition the Government for a redress of grievances shall be limited to those who can afford to speak and assemble freely (4,5).
Amendment II
To maintain domestic tranquility, the right of the people, however unqualified or unstable, to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed (6). An unregulated Militia, armed with fully automatic weapons, shall be permitted in any public venue or event to tacitly influence free expression and open debate (7).
Amendment III
In times of peace, a disproportionately large percentage of minority citizens shall be remanded to federal or for-profit penitentiaries (8); Of those remaining free, a disproportionally large percentage of minorities shall be housed directly on, or in close proximity to, a hazardous waste site (9); In times of war, minorities are expected to share the burden of front-line duty to help protect the American Dream.
Amendment IV
The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall be arbitrarily violated without warrant or probable cause; The time and place of search, and the persons or things to be seized shall be left to the discretion of the arresting officer (10).
Amendment V
No officer of the law shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless overwhelming public pressure leads to an indictment from a Grand Jury; nor shall any officer of the law be dismissed for repeatedly violating statutes designed to promote the general welfare (10); persons subjected to infamous crimes by law officers shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself (11); certain persons may be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law; Both private and public property may be taken for private use, without just compensation (12).
Amendment VI
In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy and public trial, if they survive arrest and preliminary incarceration (10); Accused persons may eventually be informed of the true nature and cause of the accusation; Accused persons who can afford free speech shall be permitted to confront witnesses, utilize compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor, and to have the Assistance of Counsel for his defense (13).
Amendment VII
In all disputes between the oligarchy and any other entity, where the general welfare is at stake, the right of trial by jury shall be eliminated, no fact will escape the opacity of a back room, nor be otherwise re-examined or debated in any Court or Legislative Chamber of the United States, until after a settlement has been dictated by the oligarchy (14). All persons circumventing this veil will be expatriated indefinitely (15).
Amendment VIII
Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted, upon any officer of the law who denies the same to fellow citizens (10).
Amendment IX
The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others seized by the oligarchy (16).
Amendment X
The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, devolve to the states, but may only be exercised if they do not conflict with the powers granted in Amendment IX (17).
"When the preferences of economic elites and the stands of organized interest groups are controlled for, the preferences of the average American appear to have only a minuscule, near-zero, statistically non-significant impact upon public policy."
- Martin Gilens and Benjamin I. Page, in a recent Princeton University study asserting
that America can no longer be considered a democracy (16).
And at least one former President concurs (Hint: His last name ain't Clinton)
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1) Sorry Pope Francis, but you’re the Anti-Christ.
2) Corporations are people my friend: Citizens United v. Federal Election Commission, No. 08-205, 558 U.S. 310 (2010)
3) 90% of American media content is controlled by just six corporations.
4) It's not hearsay. It's science (PDF): Responsiveness of U.S. senators to the preferences of wealthy, middle-class, and poor constituents.
5) This helps explain why elected officials only listen to rich constituents. Latest super PAC filings.
6) This is what domestic tranquility looks like: Mass shooting tracker.
7) Bullys with guns
8) NAACP criminal justice fact sheet
9) Toxic Wastes and Race at Twenty 1987—2007 (PDF): A report prepared for the United Church of Christ Justice and Witness Ministries.
10) A comprehensive database of examples
11) By law enforcement public relation officers and a complicit media
12) Hundreds of millions of dollars, and that's just the police!
13) It's not hearsay. It's science (again): What happens when you can't afford a lawyer
14) Certainly not the first, but a recent example Understanding the Trans-Pacific Partnership trade agreement.
15) Before you blow the whistle, remember, this could be you.
16) It's not hearsay. It's science (once again):America is not a democracy: The study (PDF); And here is an explanation for the lay reader.
17) This is commonly referred to as the Supremacy Clause. Sorry People.