If I may be excused, I have been preoccupied with other things for a long time. Important health related matters and of course the stressors on my family and marriage. In addition to that, the news (read our culture) has been down right depressing lately. Maybe not all bad, congrats GLBT community, but well, and now I have to look at the latest cram-packed GOP Candidate Clown Car.
I Just read, "The Moment I Realized It's Hard to be a Mom in America," by R. Fowler, this is going to be a bit by bit piece, statement then explanation. No judgement to the author, I wish her the best.
Her opening scene was one where some random toddler runs over to her and her kid and steals a bottle of water, and chugs it down with gleeful abandon. The mother of this other kid, has a germaphobic fit, which she describes as:
She started making strange "PTHUGH" noises and miming -- what we term in England -- hawking a greenie. "Spit it out, Apollo! Spit it out!" Her son ignored her, finished slurping the water and ran off to bash some other kid in the face with a Melissa & Doug wooden piece of shit in the sandpit. She turned abruptly to me with an ashen face, regarding the water bottle as if it was contaminated with Ebola.
I have done this, had this reaction. It's not the germs I am afraid of, or that my children will actually get Ebola and die, its the part where I anticipate hours of sleep deprivation taking care of two sick children simultaneously, who proceed to hawk greenies on me or in my hair, and vomit on me, and shit on me. (this is when they were small). In America, we have removed all the potent cold medicines,(and children's allergy meds) and tied them to those ubiquitous killer balloons, leaving many moms with no option but expensive OTC meds that don't work, OR homeopathy. Your complaints about the Safety Police, are well noted.
I remember once, being in a fast food chain, buying a quick breakfast for my kids on a particularly busy day, and the woman in front of us had a small child in tow. That kid proceeded to turn to the side and start heaving and vomited all over the floor in front of us. Of course being in a food preparation area, I was horrified on several levels. I mean YUCK just on the surface. But also, I picked both of my kids up and backed away from the spewing tot as fast as I could move. Nothing personal, but I did not want to spend the next 12 to 36 hours in an old house with one bathroom, sitting on the toilet, holding a trashcan, while trying to care for two kids who want to do the same, BUT in the bathtub, while my spouse vomits outside or somewhere else. Having actually done this due to a food-borne illness I can say its a scene I do not care to ever repeat, and I will take necessary actions to avoid it if at all possible. Because quite frankly that sucks. That didn't stop the woman with the puking kid from giving me a stern dressing down that, "it was only vomit". As far as I was concerned she might as well said it was only kryptonite or only plutonium.
Did I think she was a bad mom? Nope. I just didn't want the bug her kid had running rampant in my house.
Once a stomach flu came through this house and we all got it. But it was my infant who got it the worst. It was apparently making its way through the entire community. Because even though I had a baby who was only a few months old, who was dehydrated, we were turned away from 2 ERs. I spent the whole night in a rocking chair, giving that child a half of teaspoon of watered down electrolytes with a syringe in the mouth every 15 minutes for the next 18 hours until the fever broke and the baby could hold down more fluids. Then we moved up to table spoons. So you might see germaphobes, an experienced mom might see "Holy Crap a lot more work" and at times, a genuine health hazard.
Yes. Being a mom in America is hard for more reasons that you gave in your piece.
Now, you all have urgent care centers where you can take a child who has a non-emergency situation that needs immediate attention so it doesn't turn into an emergency. When mine were small, urgent care centers were only just popping up. Many of us were faced with dilemmas like the following:
Do I take my kid to the ER for a non-emergency that could turn ugly? Or do I just make the appointment with the pediatrician that could be a week away, or weeks or even months into the future, when the condition will have either run it's course or put my kid in hospital?
Even with the Urgent care centers or Doc-in-the-box as we like to call them, its' not all perfect. Some doctors are better than others you will find.
Enter the childhood allergies:
Wheat, sugar, sodium, GMO's, infant formula, TV, plastic, modern medicine, balloons: these are the terrors plaguing American children.
America is going through a time when we are going to force the remodeling of the FDA. Either we will win the right to have our food and medicine and chemicals properly labeled, or we will soon learn to live in a world where (much like this one) identifying hazards in food, cosmetics, lawns, etc., is all on us.
You wouldn't be the first person who thinks food allergies are bullshit. But you do not have to go home with that child and face their behavioral problems, their sleep deprivation and/or irritable bowels or worsening allergy symptoms that follow ingestion of the allergen. Sure you might meet some hypochondriac parent who imagines allergies or sensitivities, but for those who actually deal with them--even if the symptoms don't warrant an eppi-pen, the side effects can be disruptive and unpleasant.
Diet can be an amazing tool for parents with children who suffer a variety of conditions ranging from autism spectrum disorders and ADHD, to Downs Syndrome, and other chronic conditions. If the kid is displaying no or few symptoms, that means the parent is doing it right, and not as you assume, that the dietary restrictions are bullshit. The goal is to normalize the child's health so they can have a normal life, as much as possible with regards to their condition or issues.
Other possible side effects of reducing a child's behavioral and health problems via food allergen restrictions: More and better sleep, a better behaved child, you know--little things like that.
Parents get to deal with a lot--as of right now, our FDA is woefully lax, and food and chemical labeling laws (especially those outside of California) are bad. In America we do this all back-asswards. We wait until people die (or are maimed or sickened) in the dozens on more--who can afford to sue, before we decide a material causes harm. And because many chemicals and additives do not kill instantly, companies often claim no harm at all, even though years later we learn otherwise. For the best example of this, read up on the Tobacco suits that lead to new tobacco laws. But there are other chemicals and additives.
What that means is that GMOs aren't just about GMOs, it's also about pesticide and herbicide residues. And sadly many of us, even children are carrying frightful chemical loads. Same with plastics, and some of that so-called modern medicine, which seems at times to be more medieval even compared to those homeopaths. What this means is increased risks for diseases like cancer, endocrine disruption, which can lead to future infertility or kidney problems, miscarriages or birth defects. Not to mention, immediate effects on the body like the load of heavy metals which can affect behavior and cognition.
The EPA has some pages on Pesticides and Children.
For instance, children typically consume larger quantities of milk, applesauce, and orange juice per pound of body weight than do adults. Children's behaviors, such as playing on the floor or on the lawn where pesticides are commonly applied, or putting objects in their mouths, increase their chances of exposure to pesticides.
Adverse effects of pesticide exposure range from mild symptoms of dizziness and nausea to serious, long-term neurological, developmental and reproductive disorders. Americans use more than a billion pounds of pesticides each year to combat pests on farm crops, in homes, places of business, schools, parks, hospitals, and other public places. EPA 2002
As far as balloons are concerned: Anything with a string hanging down, or cord hanging down is a potential hazard for a toddler/crawling baby to hang itself. Mostly this is about cords hanging from blinds on windows, but in reality it can be anything long that can be rapped around the neck. It's baby safety 101.
Popped balloons are choking hazards. Anything you can pass through a toilet paper or paper town tube will fit down the gullet of a child. And some children are not picky about what they put in their mouths at all. Putting things in the mouth is how babies and toddlers explore their world. It's seen as a developmental step that is totally normal and expected. And that puts the pressure on parents and caregivers to make sure that we remove items they can choke on.
One of mine almost choked to death on a quarter sized tab from a grocery bag. It was stuck near the tonsils. Where the kid found it is anyone's guess. You vacuum a million times and they still find something disgusting or scary to stick in their mouths. With the help of a nice EMT, we were able to remove the item from the inside of the neck without having to go to the emergency room. It was scary.
Balloons are not the enemy, but as a parent you do have to make sure they are not a hazard. Kids love to put things around their wrists, ankles and necks. And they will accidentally garrote themselves. I am to this day, taking rubber bands, and too tight threads and twines off of kids. They will leave them on and wonder why their fingers and toes are turning purple and blue. Older ones will also put such items on pets too. I can't imagine a more fun way to spend the afternoon, than with a distressed animal struggling and striking out while I try to disentangle it from whatever has been wrapped around it on purpose, or whatever it has gotten itself into on accident. In fact this is still a step up from a family day in the bathroom with the stomach flu.
Kids are imaginative and fun, but they require adult supervision. And some require more than others. You might think the parents are overprotective, but they may actually be protecting you from their young "Avenger". You never know. That kid that stole your water bottle? I had a relative years ago, who stole a Dr Pepper from a table at a cookout. Only to discover that it wasn't soda pop, but in fact Tobacco spit. Who knows what genuinely disgusting thing that kid has stolen and consumed to spite mommy, prior to your encounter. And whatever it is, mommy gets to clean it up, and/or explain it to some incredulous ER doc.
In America, new parents receive inadequate support across the board.
This is absolutely true. We are unwelcome, unwanted, and generally despised.
Free daycare went out with World War II and Rosie the Riveter.
In L.A., of course, land of unschooling, "learning through play" takes on a whole different meaning. Earnest parents yank their kids out of schools in case someone might figure out they're not vaccinated and concoct their own school curriculum based on whatever they picked up from the Internet.
Like the issue with the FDA, America is also going through a massive culture war that is taking place within it's public schools. Regardless of the side you fall on--no one likes it, and no one wants their children's futures to suffer as a result. This means that many have exercised their option to educate their children at home. Since I do not know the people you are referring to as "unschoolers" I cannot even begin to offer an observation or explanation about your opinion of this practice.
You may prefer raising your child in a public school. And that's fine. But some of us do not for a variety of legitimate reasons. This is especially true for those families who have special needs children. Watching a parent attempt to get a Individual Education Plan or IEP for their special needs child is like watching a combat veteran trying to get their just compensation from the VA. It's slow and painful. So parents are left with choices. Your harsh judgement on this matter is no more helpful than the judgement you might feel from lactivists.
I guess the differences in parenting start early, from pregnancy. There's a puritanical streak in the U.S. that the natural birthing movement and the lactivists tap into.
I think that you are experiencing a genuine behavior but have misconstrued what you are seeing.
Midwives in the public hospital sphere have, up til recently been a rarity in the states. Many women feel infantilized by the medical system. Our status here as women is shit. So unless you shore up that backbone and learn to spit fire, the doctors and nurses, and everyone else will walk all over you. And for every person who has a birth at a midwifery or at home (sans doctors), you get people who favor traditional hospital birth judging you harshly and at times trying to undermine your plan with scare tactics meant to frighten you into the C-section ward. You have unwittingly waded into several battles here.
1) Public education Culture War
2) Right to know what you are putting in your body
3) Right to give birth on your own terms.
4) The right to leave your home and breastfeed while you do it, or be seen with an infant in general.
What you are seeing are natural responses to unreasonable and at times, untenable situations.
There are salvos flying every which way over your head. Which is to say, your timing is impeccable.
As for child-rearing techniques:
The favored discipline in Los Angeles seems to be mom adopting a whiny voice and embarking on a long philosophical discussion involving reason, ration, logic, compassion and common sense -- all about why it's wrong to clobber mommy over the head with a fish tank.
Yep, it's annoying. But each household is autonomous. And the parents get to decide how they want to deal with bad or inappropriate behavior. It will either work out in the end, or the parents will wonder 40 years from now, what the hell went wrong? Either way, just step down and let the family deal with the issues. Worry about your own problems.
In the States, you cannot -- cannot -- turn up for a play date with a sickly child sporting the symptoms of any kind of illness. Your house becomes quarantined, and you become a pariah, forced to fight off the illness with snot suckers, olbas oil, umcka, homeopathy and various naturopathic quackery purchased from Whole Foods before you go anywhere near doctors.
Some of this was addressed early on in the post. But in addition,
we are dealing with doctors who give antibiotics for colds and allergies, often when it does nothing more than wipe out the kid's gut biome. This means tummy aches, gas, digestive problems, etc., in addition to copious boogers and fevers and who knows what else. Consider that our medical system is ailing in general and that it affects quality of care at every level. In the study, doctors blame parents for pressuring them, but my experience has been the opposite. They still hand that stuff out like candy.
I do know some herbal remedies that reduce symptoms for ear aches, sore throats, and allergies. And yes you can buy them at Whole Foods. They work very well most of the time. If we have a boil or cellulitis--then of course we need antibiotics. If we are running a severe fever that cannot be brought down--or have a broken bone, etc., then off to the doctor we go. But for some conditions that are mild and self limiting, herbal remedies or OTC meds that reduce symptoms are all you need while you let the bug run it's course.
Beyond that, bringing your sick kid to ooze all over the school, playground, my kid etc., is just rude. Keep them at home and take care of them. This is especially true when you are visiting people who also have infants. To you its just a cold, but to someone with an infant, it could be a lot worse, but in the very least, sleepless scream filled nights with a baby who cannot talk and tell you how they feel. Who is limited by size and physiology to what meds they can take to reduce symptoms, who can become quite ill quickly if such a "harmless bug" moves into their chest or becomes secondarily infected in the nasal passages and throat.
I also don't want your kid's cold sores, Mono, eye styes, or head lice. Nothing personal--because if my kids were suffering any of those things, I would take precautions to limit their ability to spread these things to your kid. Kids won't probably die of these things, but it's nice not to have to set up triage in the house for a week.
So for the most part--if I become angry at another parent for exposing my kids to a germ, with a few exceptions, it's not the sick part, its the part where I don't get to sleep or do anything else (like shower) for a week because I am busy running between sick family members you infected with your carelessness. In short-More Work (a lot more) for me. :(
If you want to build a child's immune system, let them play in the dirt. Let them get dirty. But even that advice can be hard for some to undertake because of heavy metal residues or pesticide residues in the soil. I personally know people who have to truck dirt in at their homes, just to garden because the chlordane in the soil is so high.
Pesticides at Schools and Playgrounds
This isn't the EU. This isn't Britain. This is the wild west, and things are done differently here for a reason. The US is a for-profit operation and it shows in our lack of parental leave, our lack of affordable daycare, in our culture-war, conflicted school systems, in our contaminated soil and water and air, and in our for-profit healthcare system. Being separated from extended family members is simply the perfect end to the perfect day for many parents in the US.
This happens because people in the US move to where the jobs are. Mom and/or dad might be back home, and the new parents, have to move where they can make a living. I know we would love to live near some of our extended family, but they live in places that have a more stratified wage gap, because you either have highly skilled labor like Doctors, you have independently wealthy (or people with summer homes) and the rest of the people work in the food service industry. In regards to the latter, there is nothing wrong with that, except for the fact that we would need to hold down 4 or 5 jobs just to make ends meet (barely) if we did that and probably wouldn't.
So parents face the following:
1)Social Isolation
2)Lack of meaningful community support
3)Women--depending on their wage, education and gumption can even be left in the dark about birthing options, in some cases misinformed. Remember in some states, Informed Consent is up in the air.
4)women are often professionally punished because they might get pregnant or did get pregnant, because if we were serious about our profession--we would have had a hysterectomy at 22.
5)Women are often judged and punished no matter how they give birth, or where, or if they breastfeed or don't-- by each other, by doctors and by people in general.
6) Stay at home dads also grumble about feeling judged and isolated. So men are getting it too, though some of the issues might vary due to differences in earning potential and social status.
And all this is on top of normal day to day stressors, as well as concerns about issues that many feel impact the future of their children, which can include healthcare, and education, nutrition, and general safety issues.
I would also like to add that the United States of America is a big place. California is a large state that contains a wide variety of cultures within itself. If you go to other states in the union--or even counties in California; you might find a lot of variation in preferences and parenting styles.
Welcome to parenthood in America. Please keep your hands and feet in the ride at all times.