Trump Notes special edition presents:
Cliff notes from tonight's epic THREE HOUR CNN GOP debate at Reagan library.
Please forgiveness the inevitable typos as I still don't have my laptop fixed and I flurried this entire thing out live, on my iPhone.
Opening statements:
Paul: i'm an eye surgeon, I've been married forever. I believe in limited government.
Huckabee: none of us on the stage are socialist or are being investigated by the FBI. "We are the A Team, we even have our own Mr T."
Rubio: I have a wife, I've been married a long time. Ronald Reagan was the shit. Check it out I brought my own water.
Cruz: I have wife, I have kids. I am a big badass obstructionist and that's what this country needs.
Carson: I am a doctor, here are some vague platitudes. I'm glad Carly is here.
Trump: I'm the fucking shit. I'm going to take care of the vets and I'm going to destroy Obamacare thank you.
Jeb: some vanilla stuff.
Walker: Ronald Reagan is Jesus. I follow Jesus. I'm ready to be the new Ronald Reagan.
Carly: long awkward pause. Good evening! My dad drove a tow truck. Everything is fucked now and I'm prepared to handle it.
Kasich: I love my daughters. I'm just like Ronald Reagan.
Christie: Take the camera off me and put it on the crowd while i ask the audience if they're better off now.
Obama stole everything from us.
Question:
Jindal says Trump would be dangerous as president. What you think?
Carly: I think Mr. Trump is a wonderful entertainer.
Trump: Rand Paul shouldn't even be on this stage. I've had number one bestseller's all over the place. I have a great time. We will be respected if I'm president. I have a great time. We will be respected if I'm president.
Paul: trump is full of no sequiturs. He's sophomoric, he's nuts and juvenile.
Trump: "I've never attacked him on his looks but there's plenty of material there I can tell you."
Question: Yo Trump are you qualified or what?
Trump: everything I've ever done has been a total success. Fuck yeah dude. Pataki sucked by the way.
Question: Jeb, do you think Trump should be in charge of the nuclear codes?
Jeb: I have a steady hand and Trump doesn't.
Walker: Yeah Trump you're nuts and just an entertainer.
Trump: shut up Scott Wisconsin is a shit hole now. You're polling sucks too.
Walker: Just because trump says it doesn't make it true.
My governing is awesome.
Kasich: if I was watching this debate at home, I'd turn it off. Stick to the issues.
Question: political outsiders are kicking ass, why?
Christie: I'm a Repub in jersey, what do you think? I've vetoed everything by Dems there.
Question: Ben who were you talking shit about last week?
Carson: everything is divisive and government is too big. I'm not gonna specify who I was talking shit about.
Carly: politicians are worthless. No one has challenge the status quo that's why. Elect me and I will do that.
Question: Are you puppet for your donors Jeb?
Jeb: No but Trump is, he tried to buy me off a few years ago and I said no.
Trump: that's bullshit, he's lying.
Jeb: no I'm not. Hillary went to your wedding dude.
Trump: so what. More energy tonight Jeb! I like that.
Jeb: He supported a bunch of democrats.
Trump: shut up Jeb.
Carson: I'm in no way willing to bow to special interests. I'm people powered.
Question: Yo trump how would you get Russia out of Syria.
Trump: why are we fighting Isis in Syria let them fight each other over there.
Putin will love me.
Rubio: Putin is an asshole. He's up to no good. Obama is allowing Russia to become more powerful than us.
Carly: what? I wouldn't talk to Putin at all. Instead I'd build up bunch of military even more so and send some troops somewhere.
Question: Cruz, Kasich says you're too crazy about the Iran deal to be president.
Cruz: this Iran deal makes us the leading financier of the biggest sponsor of terrorism.
(Blah blah I'm falling asleep)
Kasich: it's a bad agreement. However we need to not be total dicks to every other nation in order for shit to get done.
Question: Do you think that steak dinner should canceled?
Paul: let me talk about Iran. Don't rip up the deal, that's stupid you should assets it.
Walker: China gets not steak dinner fuck that. I'm the OG of terminating the Iran deal.
Obama folds on everything.
Jeb: canceling a dinner ain't gonna do shit. These guys know nothing about foreign negotiations.
Huckabee: this is about the survival of Western civilization. It's the end of the world as we know it and I feel Jesus.
Question: How would you handle the Syrian refugee crisis?
Trump: Obama was too much of a wuss to deal with this. The senators on this stage helped fuck it up.
Rubio: Obama said it was going to be a pinprick. I'm going to say pinprick a few more times. Obama sucks.
Paul: most foreign interventions are disasters.
Cruz: Iran is the worst and john Kerry is a wuss. I'll be more bad ass.
Kasich: wtf these other guys are nuts, we need to work with all these countries in order to make rational deals.
Cruz: Iran is the biggest issue. The Iran deal sucks blah blah blah
Question: Yo Huckabee, that Kim Davis rally was cray, Jeb thinks Kim Davis was wrong. What say you?
Huckabee: courts cannot legislate marriage. They can't make a law, they can't implement it. We treat terrorists against America better than Kim Davis.
Jeb: Kim Davis is alright, but the gays should be able to marry.
Question: Should we defund Planned Parenthood?
Kasich: yeah. I also did a bunch of usual Republican shit in the past cool?
Question: Cruz, other Republicans are saying that you're being super Duper Duper pro-life views would guarantee a general election loss. What say you?
Cruz: blah blah blah
Christie: I was the first pro life governor in New Jersey.
I'm pretty badass about that. Hillary believes in murdering babies and selling body parts.
Carly: first thing I would do is call Israel and say yo bro we're back! Those Planned Parenthood videos are fucked up. Look at the fetuses, I'd force President Obama to veto this stuff.
Question: Jeb, Trump says your women's health issues comment is a deal breaker. What say you?
Jeb: no one is more pro life than me mother fuckers.
Trump: Jeb is toast. I will take care of women.
The Iran deal is the worst. North Korea is bad.
Jeb: fuck planned parenthood ok? Donald, I'm great for women.
Trump: why did you say you were gonna cut women's health?
Walker: fuck the 60 vote rule, just go 51 votes.
Question: Carly, when Trump talked shit about your face....what say you?
Carly: I think his words speak for himself.
Trump: I think she has a beautiful face ok?? Everyone happy now?
Question: Cruz, other Republicans are saying that you're being super Duper Duper pro-life views would guarantee a general election loss. What say you?
Cruz: blah blah blah
Christie: I was the first pro life governor in New Jersey.
I'm pretty badass about that. Hillary believes in murdering babies and selling body parts.
Carly: first thing I would do is call Israel and say yo bro we're back! Those Planned Parenthood videos are fucked up. Look at the fetuses and force President Obama to veto this stuff.
BREAK
Question: immigration, what's up with that??
Trump: i'm going to build a big ass wall.
Jeb: stop talking shit about my wife donald.
Trump: I won't apologize.
Carly: Trump ain't the OG on immigration talk!
Question: Trump you dissed Jeb for speaking Spanish. What say you?
Trump: Speak English mother fuckers!
Jeb: if people ask me shit in Spanish, I'll answer in Spanish.
Rubio: let me tell you this memorized story about my grandparents. Limited government. Univision sucks.
Question: immigrant guest workers, Ben what say you?
Ben: yeah that's cool.
Cruz: Trump is my homeboy. Build the fucking wall.
The records of everyone else but trump on this stage are about amnesty. They're lightweights.
Rubio: USA is the most generous and we're still fucked.
Secure the boarder. Make a tracking system.
Fuck you criminals.
Question: Carson, is your plan amnesty or not dude?
Carson: blah blah blah no, yes, kinda.
Question: Trump, Carly says you're pandering by playing up this anchor babies angle, what say you?
Trump: we're the only country stupid enough to put up with this shit.
Question: Carly what say you?
Carly: Obama and the Democrats didn't do anything about this shit so they could use it as a wedge issue.
Trump is in over his head.
Paul: I hate to admit it, but Trump is actually right on this one.
Question: Trump says you were a shit CEO. What say you??
Carly: I doubled, tripled and quadrupled shit. I'm a bad ass CEO boss bitch.
Trump: nah, she's been one of the worst CEO's ever. She's full of shit.
Every company she touches turns to shit.
Carly: you ran your casinos into the ground mother fucker.
Trump: Atlantic city is a disaster and I still kicked ass there. Plus, Carl Icon.
Christie: who gives a shit about these two careers. Congradufuckinglations guys.
Carly: shut up Christie, resumes matter. Washington sucks.
Question: Trump wants to raise the taxes on hedge fund managers. What say you?
Kasich: Nah. Just cut taxes and stuff. Everything will be cool.
I'm the ultimate Budget man. I budget here, I budget there, I budget everywhere!
Huckabee: Tax consumption not productivity. Fair tax.
Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan, Ronald Reagan. Thank you.
Question: Ben tell Trump why he's wrong about taxes.
Carson: it's socialism. America. Fair tax is cool.
Trump: Nah millionaires have it easy. I stand by my shit.
Paul: flat tax, 14.5% for everyone. No tax codes.
Walker: jobs, jobs. Cut taxes and jobs. Ronald reagan. I'm the only one with a plan to destroy obamacare on day one.
Carson: we need to minimum wages. A starter one and a sustaining one.
Question: Kasich you don't attack
Hillary enough, Carly you attack her constantly what say you guys?
Kasich: i'd rather focus on, unity and appeal to more voters.
Carly: Hillary is a big fat liar about everything. She hasn't done shit..
Christie: it's time to prosecute Hillary. Private email severs!!!
Question: Rubio says Trump is not qualified to handle foreign-policy. What say you Donald?
Trump: Hugh Hewitt likes me. I will have some of the finest foreign-policy team and solve all this shit.
Rubio: North Korea! China! Moscow! Jihad! Iran! Apocalypse!
Obama kisses Iranian ass and hates Israel.
(missed about five minutes here, I am currently disabled and had a grocery delivery)
Jeb: rebuild our military, we need to be super bad ass. We need to restore our name. Obama made us really weak. This library rules. Ronald Reagan.
Question: Trump, when are we going to get some names of your cabinet dude?
Trump: I knew Iraq was a mistake back in 03 you fuckers. The rest of you fell for it.
Jeb: You're full of shit.
Trump: dude your brother sucked.
Jeb: 9/11
Trump: whatever
Walker: I'm fucking bad ass, I never back down.
Paul: WTF you talkin about Trump? I made a career outta being against the Iraq war. Interventions are usually a bad call. Most of these fools here helped create ISIS.
Jeb: ISIS is Obama's fault. Troops on the ground.
Rubio: Well, I'd put even more troops on the ground. Obama created ISIS.
Carson: I just wanted to say that I was against the Iraq war.
(Ben & Trump hi five)
Question: what do you think about What Ben said?
Christie: 9/11, 9/11, 9/11. I supported George Bush, he was right.
Carson: Dubya was a great friend of mine. Be Kennedy-esch. You need to be smart and muscular not just one.
Christie: 9/11! Fuck that! Attack! Bush was right.
Carson: You shouldn't just be reactionary. But our military is weak now.
Rubio: We allowed in vacuum in Syria and that caused Isis.
Huckabee: Obama is dangerous.
Question: Yo Walker how many troops on the ground?
Walker: blah blah blah Obama and Hillary fucked it all up.
Question: Paul, boots on the ground. What say you?
Paul: I'm not sending our sons and daughters back to Iraq. The boots on the ground need to be the folks who live there. Y'all want to go back to war there? Are y'all fucking nuts??
Kasich: I called for boots on the ground. Jewish and Christian principles are where it's at.
Carly: what about me? We need a shit ton more military, like a ton more.
Question: Cruz dissed your bro for appointing Roberts. What say you?
Jeb: Roberts is made some good decisions but he also fucked up. Besides, Cruz voted for that motherfucker so I don't know what he's talking about.
Cruz: I would have appointed some super far right wing judges to the Supreme Court and Obama care would have ever happened.
Jeb: you voted for Roberts dude! Hello? McFly?
Cruz: OK OK I regret that vote you happy now? If I am elected president I promise every Supreme Court appointee will be as crazy as me.
Huckabee: abortion, Jesus.
(I need a pee break guys sorry)
Question:
Christie says he's going to crack down on all the weed legalization. What do you think Paul?
Paul: BS. We send minorities to prison for the same drugs as we let rich kids walk free on. Leave the state's to decide for themselves.
Why don't we see how many of us smoked pot here?? Should I call you guys out??
Jeb: uh ok I smoked pot 40 years ago but let me talk about heroin instead.
Paul: Bush campaigned against medical weed, that was such bullshit.
Christie: I'm pro life. I care about drug addicts too. Weed is serious shit, it's a gateway drug. Everyone around weed smokers suffer.
Paul: these guys don't believe in the 10th amendment y'all. Christie would lock up moms for using cannibas oil.
Christie: I'm not against medical weed!
Paul: He's full of shit. Feds policing medical weed is a bad idea.
Carly: My kid died of drug addiction. Weed is a serious drug. Revive the war on drugs. Most of our prisons are filled with non violent criminals. My plan is to fill them up more.
Question: Gun regulations, what's up Jeb?
Jeb: No new regulations. Florida has low gun violence.
Rubio: gun violence is the cause of a left wing government which ruins family values ok?
Cruz: I love guns, fuckin a I love guns, nobody loves guns more than me.
Question: Do you think millionaires should not get social security?
Trump: fine by me! I'd leave it up to the people.
Christie: social security is going bankrupt due to entitlement programs.
Question: Climate change. Reagan took action why not you guys?
Rubio: Because the economy. Fuck the environment.
Christie: We don't need government to deal with climate Change. This is a wild left wing idea. Nuclear energy.
Rubio: liberals want to destroy working families for climate change.
Walker: screw climate change. Bolster industry.
Question: Trump has linked vaccines to autism. What you think Ben?
Carson: the link is a myth. Certain vaccines are very important. Other vaccines should be used with caution.
Trump: Autism has become an epidemic. We didn't used to have this shit. Im pro vaccines but for small doses over a long period of time, same amount and I think you'll see an impact on Autism rates.
Ben: no Autism is associated but we should lower the dosage.
Paul: I'm all for vaccines but you should spread em out.
Huckabee: declare a war on cancer, heart disease. We should focus on cures rather than treatments.
Question: A woman will appears on the 10 dollar bill. Which woman would you want.
Paul: Susan B Anthony
Huckabee: my wife! Who else could put up with me?
Rubio: Rosa Park
Cruz: Rosa Parks
Carson: My mother.
Trump: My Daughter or Rosa Parks
Jeb: Margaret Thatcher
Walker: the founder of Red Cross
Carly: I wouldn't change shit.
Kasich: Mother Theresa
Christie: Abigail Adams
Question: Secret service uses code name for the president. What would your code name be?
Christie: true heart
Kasich: unit one
Carly: secret write
Walker: Harley
Jeb: eve ready
Trump: humble
Carson: one nation
Cruz: angel
Rubio: gator
Huckabee: duck hunter
Paul: justice never sleeps
Question: How would the world look different with your Air Force one parked in the hanger?
Paul: I'm a Reagan conservative.
Huckabee: my military would be the most well equipped military of all time. Nobody fuck with us anymore. I would have eliminated the IRS, life would be deemed precious abortion will be nonexistent. People would respect cops. Everybody would be safe. It would be like that fucking town on leave it to beaver.
Rubio: Reagan, Reagan. My Air Force one would fly to all our allies and Moscow too. Oh yeah and Cuba.
Cruz: Ronald Reagan. The bust of Churchill will be back in the Oval Office. I will have defeated ISIS. College grads will have more fucking jobs than they know what to do with.
I'll destroy obamacare.
Carson: Ronald Reagan turned me into a republican. I see trees of green, skies of blue and I say to myself, what a logical world he made.
Trump: I will make this country greater than great. If I'm president I'll actually do all this shit. It will be a friendlier world.
Jeb: 6 million more people are living in poverty because of Obama guyz.
Lessen regulations, lower taxes. 6% unemployment is bad, we need 4%.
Walker: I turned 13 years old when Ronald Reagan was elected. Ronald Reagan, Ronald reagan. Destroy Islamic terrorists. I took on all the big. Unions in Wisconsin and I'll do the same at president.
Carly: lady liberty stands tall, she holds her torch high. Lady justice holds a sword, she's a warrior and she wears a blindfold. One nation under God.
Kasich: I'll solve problems through realizing our elected officials are Americans before anything else.
I'll fight for freedoms. We need to revive citizenship.
Christie: I turned 18 in 1980. I voted for Reagan. I will not shake hands with Iran, fuck them. We are the greatest.
Thank you, good night.
Phew!!!!! Hope you all enjoyed this special laborious edition of Trump Notes!
I need a shower.