This diary offers a step-by-step approach to how to apologize when privilege and lack of awareness lead to statements that cause an uproar and/or tarnish your reputation or self-image.
For context, last night, Viola Davis won the Emmy for Best Actress in a Dramatic Series. She was one of a string of awards that put a spotlight on underrepresented people in Hollywood (including actors, shows and directors that were of color, transgender and female). She also made history as the first Black woman to receive the award.
In response to her achievement and her heartfelt speech, Hollywood hit Twitter. The support was beautiful. Then came a tweet from General Hospital actress, Nancy Lee Grahn, to over 160,000 followers:
@NancyLeeGrahn: I wish I loved #ViolaDavis Speech, but I thought she should have let @shondarhimes write it. #Emmys
The Twitter storm that ensued can easily be guessed by most people reading here. But after digging herself deeper with numerous additional tweets like:
@NancyLeeGrahn:@kingquartermain Try being any woman in TV. Wish she'd brought every woman in the picture. I wish I'd opportunity to play roles she has gets
@NancyLeeGrahn: @nxssy I do 2. I think she's the bees knees but she's elite of TV performers. Brilliant as she is. She has never been discriminated against
the actress sharply switched gears and apologized. Then nonpologized. Then went on the offensive as a civil rights marcher. Then "checked her privilege." Then got defensive. It went on throughout the night.
And at the end of it, she remained genuinely confused about what had just happened:
@NancyLeeGrahn: @MelioraEsq the meaness of these ppl tonight. I feel betrayed by ppl I would've marched for.
@NancyLeeGrahn: @deathspool how many different ways should I apologize? Mea culpa. Mea Culpa.
Having just seen
#damonsplaining finally slow down after Matt Damon's nonpology to filmmaker Effie Brown, it is disheartening to see another confused mainstream actor truly not understand what caused the furor around his or her words. So below the curl, a guide to addressing these moments with an apology - and possibly for understanding the world and yourself better so you won't do the same thing again.
Before you read from here, even if you decide not to apology for your statements or actions, the below may help you understand the responses you are receiving to them. Your respecting those responses is outside of the scope of this diary.
For each step, I will share an example of:
1) A privileged response. This allows you to immediately check your own response against one that others might receive as "privileged."
2) A privilege "translator." This will help you understand exactly what others might hear based on such a statement.
3) Privilege cornerstone(s). These compare the response to points-of-view that are considered by many to be hallmarks of privilege and/or lack of awareness:
- It's not me, it's you. Privilege often tries to reassign the responsibility for the insulting, racist, sexist, homophobic and other damaging statements the privileged person has made to the hyper-sensitivity or misunderstanding of the targets of their inappropriate statements. The inner dialogue might look like: "It's not my fault. It's never my fault. Other people are too sensitive if they don't ascribe to my filter of a dialogue. I assign all relevance for all people in a vacuum that is devoid of historical context, current context, their personal experiences or anything other than what I personally feel."
- My history speaks for itself. Privilege often reaches back in time to leverage specific deeds in the past as a reason not to atone for bad choices in the present.
- Intention trumps actual words or actions. Privilege often tries to avoid responsibility for harmful choices by assigning itself a pure character, even when the action or words are clearly unkind or harmful.
- I'm the victim here. Privilege does not see the world beyond its own lens of personal awesomeness. When backing over a child's toe with a car, privilege gets mad at the child for making privilege late to work.
- Qualified apologies. Privilege restricts any apology to the subjective "possibility" that someone else took offense, as opposed to the objective reality that what was said or done was, itself, harmful. These are often hashtagged #nonpology or #sorrynotsorry.
- Passive tense apologies. Privilege apologizes for "what was said" or "what was done" rather than to the exact person who was hurt by Privilege's choices.
4)
Updated response. This is an example of a language in an apology that would directly address the problems arising from your statement. This is regularly hashtagged #fixedthatforya.
5) Why it works. This offers some analytical insight into how this updated response might register with those who were harmed or insulted by Privilege's actions or words.
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HOW TO APOLOGIZE FOR A MOMENT OF UNCHECKED PRIVILEGE
STEP 1: Re-read or re-watch or otherwise replay exactly what you just said and directly, objectively own it.
Stay away from the intention of the statement, your personal history prior to the statement and anything else that distracts you from owning exactly what you said in exactly that moment in time.
Privileged Response:
@NancyLeeGrahn: @MuvaKendra well that certainly wasnt my intention.. Id never want to undermine ur achievements.
Privilege Translator:
Because YOU misunderstood my intentions, the fault for this breakdown in communication is YOURS.
Privilege Cornerstone(s):
• It's Not Me, It's You
• Intention Trumps Actual Words or Actions
• Passive Tense Apology
Updated Response:
@NancyLeeGrahn2.0: You know what? Understood. I just shot down a woman and fellow actor who made history. I'm sorry to everyone who read my first tweet, and I'm specifically sorry to @ViolaDavis, who deserved better from me and will receive it from now on.
Why It Works:
It owns the statement. It acknowledges that it was objectively hurtful to some. It includes the person that was the subject of the original insult. It owns the failure in character. Ultimately, it says "Your feelings matter as much as mine do."
STEP 2: If you have done the above, there generally will not be a need for future steps.
STEP 3: If, instead, you have done the following, here's how to fix that, too.
Don't devalue the experiences and sentiments of those you've harmed or insulted or decide your filter is more valid than theirs. Examples of this would be:
@NancyLeeGrahn:
I understand. I commented about a very rich A list actress winning a trophy, To receive this vitriol is unwarrented
OK but to me it seemed over dramatic. It was an acting award. i never expected every black twitterer to attack and have
why were u taken aback. My comment was innocent to me at the time.
But if you have, try this:
What I'm starting to grasp is that I didn't understand what that moment meant to you and how my tweet demeaned it and you. I'm truly sorry.
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Don't shift into profanity; it amplifies the experience of your disrespect.
that is huge bunch of bullshit, Get mad at me for unthoughtful tweet but dont turn it into massive crock of shit.
and i heard harriet yTubman and I thought Its a fucking emmy for gods sake. She wasnt digging thru a tunnel
But if you have, try this:
Stopping/Checking myself - it was completely inappropriate to curse at you, and I ask for your forgiveness. Should we ultimately disagree, I will do so respectfully.
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Having harmed and now additionally disrespected the topic, the people in the conversation and an historical figure, don't make yourself the victim of your own statement or action.
I surrender but im heartbroken and angry. Itll take time
Its an acting award. my tweet was just a tweet. Now im worthy of being on the news. Good Lord. They feel outraged? I was ambushe
they wont stop
they are hateful and attacking.
what is it about you that you cant forgive? "And u judge me?
But if you have, try this:
I hear you. I sincerely do. I'm taking time to let it sink in and make sure I understand all that I am reading and absorbing. I'm so sorry.
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And don't reach into historical data to make yourself a betrayed champion. Having marched does not automatically excuse the moment's rudeness, insult, harmfulness, etc. If anything, it calls into question what you could possibly have learned from all of that marching if you still give yourself license to speak disrespectfully to the people you, in theory, were marching to uplift.
the meaness of these ppl tonight. I feel betrayed by ppl I would've marched for.
30 yrs an advocate 4 human rights & now i'm a racist. Color me heartbroken. Twitter can bring out the best & sadly tonight the worst of us.
i've read & will read. Free education? I've put 4 unprivileged children thru 12 grade and spent 250k 2 get kid thru to college
I traveled the country for democratic principles. Equal rights for all. Cont govt funding for the poor etc.
Ive been discriminated against constantly. Not as much a u have. Is this a contest. U win. Hands down.Ive been fighting 4u.
Don't assume you can or should define or drive other people's agendas.
I’m a f—king actress for 40 yrs. None of us get respect or opportunity we deserve. Emmys not venue 4 racial opportunity. ALL women belittled
I get it. I didnt see race. I saw a great woman winning an award and wanted it to be about that
But if you have, try this:
This experience is causing me to reflect on some core beliefs and attitudes that I haven't examined in a very long time, if ever. I have good role models to draw from, and I will do the work.
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Remove the words "if" and "but" from any apology you do decide to give:
If ur hurt by something Ive said, I apologize,
Ur right. I sounded like an asshole. I didnt meant to. I had a valid point but I expressed it badly. Ur right. I apologize [Note, this is a "but I was right" apology.]
I apologize for my earlier tweets and now realize I need to check my own privilege. My intention was not to (cont) http://tl.gd/... [Note, another "but" apology, added to intention-trumps-actual-words.]
But if you have, try this:
Let me write that again. "I behaved like an asshole. I'm sorry." #fixedthatformyself
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Don't assign the responsibility for fixing your behavior to others, too:
Im open. help me learn
If I misunderstood. help me learn
ok. But I'm always trying and trying to do the best I can. Teach me.
But if you have, try this:
I'm sorry, and that is only the beginning of a journey. I now am listening and will continue learning. I see you, and I hear you, and I will continue to listen throughout the night.
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I wrote this diary because the many jarring tweets above were intermixed with some really thoughtful ones. But ultimately she could not understand why the thoughtful ones weren't being accepted. She didn't see how all of the above served to undermine positive comments like:
I actually did read her bio. Ive no right to assume her truth
Great. She engages others as equals and legitimately considers she may not have had all the information.
I get it.That would be my win if Hillary wins. Just being an actor never equated it to actor win. My bad
Great. She personalizes the experience according to her own values and emotes empathy rather than contempt or victimhood.
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You might look at this diary and think, "That is a lot to learn/understand/try/do just so people don't get offended." I offer a different filter for this: "There is a lot to learn/understand/try/do that a lot of people already seem to know and embrace. How/When did I miss out on all of this cultural commonality - and how can I join the conversation from here?"
I don't find myself regularly offending anyone, and I speak my mind quite clearly. But I really was raised to do so with constructive language and a focus on understanding. And when I do slip up, I immediately acknowledge what I did and say, "I'm sorry."
To me, the opposite of privilege isn't "hyper-sensitivity." It's empathy. It's inclusiveness. It's truly believing that you are one of many different life experiences, sets of values, filters and more. And that yours is not only no better or more valid than someone else's, but yours is nowhere near is interesting! It's about curiosity and excitement about other people's lives and worldviews. This is how people fall in love across racial, religious and political lines; you don't have to ignore your differences but to respect them and communicate around them with respect and interest.
If this helps anyone understand any of the Twitter storms or DKos pie fights differently than they have understood it before, that is wonderful. If it absolutely enrages you, well, maybe re-read from the top and accept someone else having a different view on this than you do. Maybe that rage can give way to introspection about why this upsets you so greatly? The consideration that your own emotions warrant analysis and review before they are exploded onto others is a monumental step away from what can be perceived as privilege.
If the thought of offering an apology because you "have to" angers you, then I would offer this as a reframing. You are offering an apology because you have hurt someone. And the fact that you do not want to give an apology is indicative that you either don't acknowledge you have hurt them or don't think they are important enough for you to have to apologize to. If you try to rescript that to make yourself a victim of "political correctness," re-read this diary from the top and try to understand this very different approach to being a member of a global community rather than an observer or leader of it.
If it remains inconceivable that you cannot drive/dictate a universal dialogue based solely on your own feelings and values, I understand that this is an enormous shift from the norm. Social media has created a new, global collective, however, and if you cannot transition into a more inclusive communication style, you may find yourself, at best, marginalized from critical discussion and, worse, utterly confused by a backlash you decided not to do the work to understand, avoid and perhaps even transcend.
5:55 PM PT: UPDATE: @NancyLeeGrahn has deleted all of the tweets I captured here (and others screengrabbed and posted) from her timeline. So now it appears she only apologized and was attacked, per current social media posts.
I will add that as another thing not to do when one wants to sincerely apologize for a moment of unexamined privilege...attempt to erase the history of the dialogue..