I just got a call from the doctors last night they want to put me back in the hospital. I hate this because I have been doing everything right. I do not know what to do. Yet the hardest part of this all is I'm more scared for the ones I love then I am myself. I went to the doctor yesterday and I was told I had a throat infection as well.
I am only 34 and wanted to do so much more. I didn't want to be anyone special, but I didn't want to be a burden to my family. I didn't want to go through life like this. I wanted to do so much more for my community I lived in by helping others. There were so many people I wanted to meet and so much I wanted to do to make better lives.
I just want to celebrate life itself not be depressed and taken away from it. My biggest fear is that I would die a lone. I finally accepted that I found someone who loves me unconditionally for who I am even if I hate my body because of being Transgender I finally found those family who care for me. I was happy.
I just do not understand what I did wrong in life. I do not understand why I was born with so much against me that I have to over come the hardest just to do the basic functions of life. What did I do that was so wrong that I have to put my loved ones through watching every moment I write something out and judging every moment of my action.
It so hard because if I say something wrong it comes out wrong on how people see me. I have to watch everything I say so close when I am scared. I am scared more for my loved ones then myself. I want to live till the last breath. I do not want to die, but I am not afraid of it either.
My hardest moment is knowing that if I did leave this world the stress it will cause on those who love me. I am at peace in mind knowing that someone like me who was born in the wrong body and who always had to hide who they truly were for fear of rejection is at peace.
I would have most likely made the ugliest of woman if I had gone through the surgery. My aunt loves me unconditionally for who I am. I was happy I finally found peace. I had also been opening up to my loved ones about who I truly am. My hardest fear right now is not for me, but my Aunt kid.
I didn't want to have to go back to hospital she been away focusing on school. It scares me more the hurt that she go through. I think about all of this as I know in the afternoon I have to go into the hospital again and I do not know how long I am going to be there. I have been thinking of all the things I wanted to do for my local community and help out.
If I had been healthier I wanted to do so much more to build a stronger place for those who have it just as hard. We are struggling so much that while at night it has been hard feeling like my throat is on fire just for taking a very breath from the infection that came up in the throat I still care more for our future then I do worrying if it is my last breath. I care more about what we will become not just the politics of the dem party, but as a society what are we becoming. We have forgotten so much as we focus on Hillary and Bernie.
At dailykos hate is dividing us. The core of our future is not to fight each other, but to unit each other. Do not make this election about Hillary and Bernie hate. Make it about a celebration of who we are and what we are. Care more for improving our community. I have not given up on life, but step back and think about what it is like to be stuck watching our communities tear each other apart. That is what hate does and that is what we are not. I will fight to live with every last breath I HAVE to celebrate life.
I really do not care who wins the primary I just want the dems to focus more on what we have to celebrate then what we have to tear us down. UNIT AS A PARTY and become something more because remember back it is LIFE that matters not just the unborn, but life matters in how we take care of our community everywhere. It isn't just Spirituality, but faith within the connections we make that make our lives matter to others. We have the ability to be more then just who we are we can truly be great if we allow ourselves to remember who we are matters.
I do not care about the color of skin or what Spirituality one is. I do know that we have to come together as a people. We have to remember who we are deep inside because our future is what we are making for our next generation. That is life that is the journey we take and I promise even if I struggle till the very end of my own life. My dying breath will always be for a better future for our children. That is the American Dream that our next generation will do better then our last. We have forgotten our ways, but there is still hope to celebrate life and live it to the very end doing good for our community.
i am many things. Most importantly other then being a woman in a male body I am loved. We are loved and we have to come together as brother and sister. I pray if this is the last time I write find the message of understanding and unity that I am leaving. I will fight to live if you celebrate each other and become more then just a community here at dailykos and all over the world. Connect to each other and build those connections because that the journey of life we live. I pray for peace and unity. No matter who wins do not forget the core values we as dems live by.
5:37 AM PT: I am not anyone special and do not pretend to be. I just wanted to live a honest and peaceful life worthy of whatever Being is above. I just wanted to care for others above myself and do some good in this world. I am trying so hard.
8:03 AM PT: Have to love how when they call you at 9:30pm then put you through all that stress. Then when the time comes to go to the hospital and you call to clarify what you are doing nobody knows what is going on and then they tell you not to go into the hospital. All that worry and stress when I could have been resting. I am thankful at least now I do not have to go but still have to monitor it from home to make sure no bleeding starts.