[Recorded by the Prophet Ian, as divinely revealed by Lord and Savior Jesus Christ]
I am just saying, from my vantage as eternal overseer of all mankind, the Republicans have, once again, sullied My previously very good name.
This manufactured heroism born of the misguided embarrassment to the concept of Christianity, Kimberly "Loves Biblical Marriage 4x More Than Most" Davis, is wrong on a number of levels. Just to get the obvious one out of the way: what on Heaven or Earth so passionately convinced you that I hate fags? Do you really think that sounds like me? Ouch.
And who amongst you would expect me to toss around slurs like that, in the first place? When you think of Jesus, do you picture Me, flowing robe, just walking around, judging and damning people to Hell? Methinks an awful lot of you "good" Christians are preemptively casting an awful lot of stones. Just what church have you been attending? Westboro Baptist, I suppose. But here I thought even most Christians recognized Westboro as a bridge too far, though if anybody has a right to consider themselves true Bible-believing followers of Mine, it is certainly those of the Westboro denomination.
So, Kim Davis and the bulk of those looking for the Republican nomination want to see these United States take a big step towards Jesus' Confederate Good Times Theocracy. Your hearts are almost in the right place, but you forgot to give your brains a say.
I can appreciate that you want to put My law before actual law. In principle, that sounds like a darling idea. Except. You have so ridiculously balkanized My fan club, turning it into a zoo of "Christianity," that even I don't know what the label means. And it's My name! And maybe humans and lions and zebras and grizzly bears are denominations of mammal, and they spent an agreeable year at sea together on Noah's Ark, but on land religious coexistence rarely trends so idyllic.
And if you're looking to, say, rule with a Christian caucus comprised of everyone from Southern Baptists, Unitarians and Mormons to followers of evangelical pastors including Joel Osteen and Pat Robertson (and we'll throw in the reanimated corpse of Jerry Fallwell), you will stumble across some fundamental differences of opinion. For Christ's sake (no pun intended), you can't even decide which factions belong under My Christian umbrella in the first place. Will Catholics and Scientologists get a vote (literally and figuratively)?
The only way it works is with Christianity's best friend and worst enemy: freedom of religion. And a fundamental tenet therein, is that state law (built with a respectful eye on spiritual diversity/irrationality) must trump (pun intended but don't get Me started with that organic blend of odious idiocy) particular religious beliefs. Or else the whole system collapses into a chaotic amalgamation of Iran-meets-The Crusades.
To Kim Davis, the latest cult hero among Forrest Gump's contemporaries, I beg you to just think about it. You want to have your Hobby Lobby way on this one. But, again, there are literally thousands of versions of Christianity. Even if you break it down to just the top 35 in America, that is still a lot of infighting, with an awful lot of Christians damning an awful lot of Christians to Hell (and trust Me, if Hell was real, you would not want to visit).
Again, it doesn't work if every one of My factions (not to mention the large majority of Americans who are not practicing Christians of any stripe) think religious freedom means they can (and should) bend U.S. law to suit them.
Kim Davis, you are the reason that God's most favored religion is not one. 7.4 billion atheists would find plenty to fight about without you, but I beg you to stop purposefully plastering names and faces like Mine to advertise and host a disgusting yet never-ending planetary episode of Bum Fights. Eventually you may realize, Mrs. Davis, that you are one of the bums.
Regards,
Jesus H. Christ
(signed)