Having vanquished his Republican foes, a motley collection of the party's best-and-brightest ranging from mid-tier radio host Huckabee to sleepy retired surgeon Carson to Backup Bush, Donald Trump must now pivot his attention to the general election. Which he will do—unless, he explains to television preacher Pat Robertson, any of those other Republicans piss him off again.
ROBERTSON: When I ran in '88, I was under the 11th amendment.
Editor's note: Pat Robertson is here referring to Reagan's 11th commandment, but is here pretending to be stupid to make his guest feel at home. Later they will discuss the Constitution's famous Article XII, the bigliest of all the Articles.
Robertson: These are all gonna be your troops.
TRUMP: Yeah.
ROBERTSON: You abide?
Editor's note: The image of Pat Robertson querying You abide? is now seared into your brain.
TRUMP: Well, I'm gonna try, I'm gonna try. With you I cannot tell a lie, right?
Technically you can. You are confusing Pat Robertson with Jesus again. Or confusing him with someone who would give a strawberry-flavored damn if a politician lied to him, so long as the liar promised to keep the gays and Muslims and wommenfolk in their place.
TRUMP: I will say this, we've had more votes than anybody in the history of the GOP primaries ... we've had tremendous support
Huge support. The most support ever. Ronald Reagan himself was a sack of jellybeans-eating crap compared to Donald J. Trump, the one true candidate.
TRUMP: but every once in a while you have somebody that doesn't wanna support. I can't promise you that I'll be treating the person really, really well, but I will try. I'll think about you every time, OK?
This is a not-promise that Donald Trump should have little trouble keeping. He'll be nice to whichever Republicans publicly support him, and if they don't "wanna", well, that's a different ballgame. But Trump promises he'll think of you, Pat Robertson, while he's scraping them off his heel like the discarded gum they are. Will you think of him too?
This is going to be the best Republican convention ever. It's not going to be close. This is going to be a Ringling Brothers circus held in a fireworks manufacturing plant built on top of a four-acre tire fire, and it is going to be great.