Sources close to Vice President Joe Biden have come forward with surprising details about a meeting between Biden and DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz on the day prior to Hillary Clinton announcing her bid for the White House. Unbeknownst to either the VP or DWS, the entire conversation was recorded on an aide’s phone. Excerpts from their meeting will be released, for the first time in print, by the Morning Nightcap. Wasserman-Schultz wasted no time with banal pleasantries, and jumped right into the gist of the meet.
DWS: Let’s not pretend like you don’t know why the fuck I’m here, Joe. We’re both too old and you’re too smart for that.
Biden: Hey…look…if this is about the 8 Payday loans Jill signed in your name, I can explain…
DWS: I don’t give a…WHAT?!?
Biden: Um. Nothing. This is about Hillary, isn’t it? (audible thunk, possibly from something shiny being thrown across the room to distract the focus of the DNC Chair)
DWS: Huh? Was that pewter? Never mind. Yes, Joe, this is about the presumptive nominee for the White House. Do you have any booze up in this bitch? A girl could use a drink. (sounds of liquid being poured into glasses, audible wince) Shit. Thanks, buddy. Keep ’em coming. (sound of crystal decanter plunking down on 18th Century end table, some gulping) Where was I? Oh. Yeah. I’ve been hearing some nasty rumors, Joe. People are saying you’re interested in running for President. But that can’t be true, can it, Joe? We all know it’s Hillary’s turn.
Biden: Well, I haven’t started an exploratory committee or anything, but yeah, I’ve been thinking…
DWS: LISTEN UP, BUB!
Biden: Don’t you fucking yell at Joe Biden in Joe Biden’s fucking office! Sit your narrow ass down! I’ve been a great Vice President. I haven’t lied us into any wars, I haven’t shot anyone because I thought they were a flightless bird, I haven’t made $49 million from my former company through arms sales and no-bid contracts, and I sure as shit got the President to see the light on marriage equality. So you can zip yer fuckin’ cockwasher while I state my case, gawddammit! You can march in here, you can drink my 120 year old Scotch, and you can try to talk me out of this, but you will not, will NOT, interrupt Uncle Joe in his fucking house! Do I make myself clear?
DWS: Yes, Mr. Vice President. Perfectly clear. Now let me make myself equally clear. You’re damn near broke, Joe. You maxed out your credit cards for your son’s cancer treatment. Tragic. But we made it a point to eliminate single payer coverage during the ACA debate because, let’s face facts, the insurance companies and the pharma lobby own the DNC. I wasn’t about to let something silly like not wanting to sell your house to pay for medical bills get in the way of millions in donations. I run the DNC. That means I run the money. Can you finance your own campaign, Joe? Don’t answer that. How much do you think you can pull in from sad little emails and fundraising events at classic car shows and the occasional hotel convention center?
Biden: Er..
DWS: Look, pal, here’s the lay of the fucking land. Hillary was supposed to win in 08. Your boss fucked that all up. You saw how we reacted to that. We abandoned the 50 state strategy. We ran so far to the right in midterms that we made for fucking sure he’d never get a cooperative house or senate. No one would even mention his name on the trail. You can’t run, Joe. We’ll do you like we did the President, only worse.
Biden: I really, honestly don’t see how you could run the DNC into the ground and abandon your voter base out of pure petulance any more than you already have, Deb.
DWS: Oh, we can. I can. And I will. You see, Joe, if you run, you’ll split the party line vote in key states. You’ve already done that, haven’t you, Joe. You fucked it up for Hillary in 08 because establishment Democrats trust you. You won’t do that again, Joe. I’ll do whatever it takes to make sure your candidacy is buried. Fucking buried. I’ll rig the debate schedule to make sure no one watches. I’ll pull any funding from the DNC for your campaign. I’ll work with the media to make sure you get next to no coverage. Media conglomerates love Hillary, they’re some of her biggest donors. We have the full financial backing of Wall Street, the American media, the healthcare industry, and every fucking feeble union we’ve thrown a table scrap to over the last 25 years. This election is a lock for Hillary Clinton, and you aren’t gonna do a damn thing to stop it. Now, have I made myself perfectly clear?
Biden: Well, when you put it that way, I guess I’ll sit this one out. Hey…isn’t Bernie Sanders running against Hillary?
DWS: Bernie Sanders? Bernie fucking Sanders?!? (six straight minutes of cackling laughter) Whoo…that’s funny. He’ll get 8% of the vote in every primary, tops. What’s that asshole ever done for the Democratic Party? Fucking nothing. Ever. No one even knows who he is. He doesn’t stand a chance.