Remember Dean Chambers, the guy who “removed liberal bias” from every 2012 poll, leading to the inevitable conclusion that Mitt Romney would win big? He was so successful in creating an alternate conservative reality than even the Romney campaign fell for it!
Well, we don’t have any high-profile poll unskewers this cycle, but this is the Age of Twitter, so it would be inevitable someone would arise to create an alternate reality for distraught conservatives. And thus, I give you … Bill Mitchell! This Bill Mitchell:
Apparently he’s a radio guy or podcaster or something. But whatever he actually does for a living, he is a Grade A nutcase.
Oh, he’s simply delicious!
So let’s begin with some garden-variety reality-shifting:
And yet, when it comes to actually voting …
How about secret numbers, you want secret numbers?
Well, I’m convinced!
So you’re sitting here wondering, what did ol’ Bill say after the Trump “pussy grabbing” video came out, right?
None of us would know, to be honest.
You want poll unskewing? He’s got that.
In 2008, the electorate was D+7, in 2009 it was D+6, so a D+9, given demographic trends and the buffoon at the top of the GOP ticket isn’t ridiculous. But even better here is the subtext: even the liberal Fox News is in on the scam!
But never fear! Mitchell has struck fear into the hearts of pollsters everywhere!
Oh, so sneaky! But he’s onto any trick that shows Clinton winning anything at all! Nice try, loser pollsters! The only poll that matters is that of Bill Mitchell, sample size ONE. Like in the last debate:
Reality doesn’t conform to my biases. Sad! Actually, there are other “polls” that matter, like, say, internet polls freeped by Trump supporters and Russian hackers.
See? Silly web polls are more accurate than statistically valid scientific polling. Every past election proves that! (No, they don’t.) And don’t forget the MONSTER Trump vote:
So all polls suck, except the internet ones. Oh, and the one that shows Trump suddenly capturing the imagination of black voters:
Yeah, that one is real. Not the other ones.
Yeah! Who you going to believe, Trump, who says he grabs random women, or the women who confirmed Trump’s account? Uh … wait a second ….
Clinton admitted to randomly tongue-kissing people without their permission?
Of course, any attempt to rewrite reality has to attack the media.
And:
And:
And of course, there is the endless stream of desperate cheerleading:
And then there’s the REAL crazy:
Don’t poke the Russians? Yeah, that would make Donnie mad.
So there you have it, a brief intro into this cycle’s most hilarious conservative booster. There are three things I look forward to on Election Night: Trump’s “concession” speech, his inevitable early-morning twitter rampage, and Bill Mitchell’s twitter feed. It’ll be glorious!