October 30, 2016
James Comey
FBI Headquarters
Washington, DC
Dear Director Comey,
I would like to humbly request that you change your surname to something more appropriate (Quisling comes to mind). Since your recent foray into partisan politics, many of my friends and acquaintances have called, emailed or messaged me to offer condolences on your besmirchment of my dog’s name. Her full name is Nicomi (from Santa and the Three Bears), but we call her Comi (pronounced the same as your surname). She’s a 14 and a half year old Australian Shepard who is recovering from cancer surgery. When she hears her name on the news and the vocal and widespread condemnation you have brought upon yourself, she thinks they are talking about her. Then she shows me her guilty look and asks for forgiveness (you might take that as an example to emulate). It is unconscionable for you visit your destruction of the credibility of the FBI on my poor dog (and the rest of the nation for that matter). Your blatant disregard for the consequences of your action are bad not just for the nation and our political process, they are harming my dog. How dare you claim to be acting in the interest of transparency before you have even seen any of the evidence you are bleating about. How dare you make vague, inarticulate statements designed to fuel the ravings of a lunatic and cast doubt on the integrity of the only candidate standing between that lunatic and a twitter meltdown that leads to people being killed. How dare you pretend to be a paragon of virtue doing dirt on the United States of America because you alone are the arbiter of truth and justice. How dare you inflict your self-righteous editorial viewpoint on the rest of us. It’s not your job now, and it wasn’t your job in June. So please, for the sake of my dog, change your name, apologize for your stupidity and resign. Perhaps you can get a job as a doorman at the Trump Tower (at least until he goes bankrupt again).
By the way, is there any news about any of the many ongoing investigations into Trump and his cronies you’d like to share with us? Or would that violate the long standing policies of the Justice Department and the FBI about releasing information during an election season?
Sincerely, -Nicomi’s Person.