We spent this day in both 2014, as well as in 2015 here at “Crazy/Stupid Republican of the Day featuring profiles of U.S. Senator Ted Cruz of Texas, a man the general public finds to have the most inexplicable desire to punch in the face upon gazing upon his visage, that after hearing him speak, makes them only wish they’d gone with that instinct. Sen. Cruz is one of the most willfully repugnant heels in the GOP these days, who revels in causing outrage among those on the left, as if it’s a form of sustenance he needs to survive day to day. Ted Cruz (a.k.a. Rafael Cruz) has not only inherited an uncanny likeness to legendary “Red Scare” perpetrator Sen. Joe McCarthy, he has also adopted his tactics, making baseless claims to demonize anyone to the left of his far, far right agenda while sneering through media interviews where he plays the victim of a “vast liberal media conspiracy” when he’s called out for being a total douchebag (Cruz actually accused the moderator of the third GOP Primary debate of liberal bias for asking him a question he didn’t want to answer about the debt ceiling). Sen. Cruz was the driving force behind the 2013 Government Shutdown, and then was shocked when his colleagues held him accountable for it when it quickly proved a failed endeavor. Even though opinion polls have shown that the more people who learn Ted Cruz exists, the more people polled also develop an unfavorable view of him, he decided to make a run for the White House in 2016, only avoiding being the biggest racist, sexist troll of the bunch because Donald Trump was in the mix. Ted Cruz once filibustered for 21 hours straight in Congress (which he ignorantly compared to the Bataan death march), and by “filibuster” I mean “talks ad nauseum while no other Congressional business was scheduled”. The highlight of that speech was perhaps when he misinterpreted the meaning behind the classic children’s book “Green Eggs and Ham” in regards to the Affordable Care Act, and interpreted to be about someone who was justifiably stubborn, rather than a tale of someone who should be open to new things. Without irony, he called himself a “modern day Galileo” for his brave stance in denying climate change AGAINST all science and reason, which is precisely the opposite of what Galileo did back during the Renaissance. Cruz is such a callous prick that he actually stated joking about Vice President Joe Biden while he was grieving over the loss of his son, Beau, and was not speaking publicly, and when news broke that former President Jimmy Carter was battling brain cancer, Cruz took it as a cue to bash his one term in office at the Iowa State Fair to garner Republican Primary votes. He considers the Supreme Court’s rulings on same sex marriage “the very definition of tyranny”. He has tried proving his manliness by placing raw bacon on the barrel of a machine gun, firing it repeatedly so it would get hot, and then eat it. Ted Cruz is a man whose honest goal is to see he U.S. Senate filled with himself and 99 other people just like his hero, legendary Senator and unapologetic segregationalist Jesse Helms. He is, in short, the most unlikable bastard in Washington, D.C. at the moment, to the extent that his own party has stalwarts like Sen. John McCain who refer to him as a “whacko bird”, a term that Cruz takes as a compliment.
I mean, come on, former House Speaker John Boehner calls Ted Cruz to “Lucifer in the Flesh”. That’s a FELLOW REPUBLICAN talking about this wanker. And so, we’ll break down this year’s timeline of Ted Cruz jerk-ass moments for your reading pleasure:
- September 22nd, 2015: Sen. Cruz votes for HR 36, the Pain Capable Unborn Child Act, which would ban abortion at 20 weeks.
- December 3rd, 2015: Democrats produce some common sense gun legislation, that anyone who is found to be on a terror watch list during a background check should not be allowed to purchase a firearm or explosives (which they could use to carry out a terror attack). Well, Ted Cruz loves the Second Amendment way more than he hates terrorism, as he voted against it.
- December 2nd, 2015: Ted Cruz wanted to release a series of campaign ads showing him to be a loving, tender family man. Unfortunately, his campaign accidentally leaked the raw footage where he tried to coach his own family into looking like they love him more than they actually do.
- December 3rd, 2015: Sen. Cruz votes for the GOP’s 62nd attempt at repealing the Affordable Care Act, in spite of the fact that it’s still working better than expected.
- January 20th, 2016: Ted Cruz votes for the American Security Against Foreign Enemies Act, reacting to the terror attacks in Paris by jihadists from France and Belgium by trying to create greater restrictions to keep out Syrian refugees, of whom exactly zero were involved in those attacks.
- February 1st, 2016: Sen. Cruz, while campaigning in Iowa, tries to give his daughter a kiss in front of media cameras, again trying to mimic human emotion as to not look like a sociopath. His daughter, though, was having none of it.
- February 25th, 2016: Ted Cruz does everything he can to prevent aid from being sent to Flint, Michigan after their water supply became contaminated with high levels of led because of the idiocy of Governor Rick Snyder.
- March 22nd, 2016: While Sen. Cruz long had fanned the flames of Islamophobia, he opted to just flat out throw gasoline on it on this date when he advocated for U.S. surveillance of Muslim communities that would “patrol and secure” practitioners of Islam.
- April 6th, 2016: Through several parts of the GOP Primary, Ted Cruz chided Donald Trump for his “New York values”. He forgot that he would have to campaign in New York, where he was jeered for it.
- April 26th, 2016: Sen. Cruz, campaigning in Indiana, tries to give a rousing speech about the movie Hoosiers… the impact of whatever he was trying to do was lost when he refers to a basketball hoop as a “basketball ring”.
- May 2nd, 2016: Cruz, desperately trailing behind Donald Trump in polls, decides to name a vice-presidential candidate on his ticket to help him get more support with Republican women… Carly Fiorina. She proceeds to fall off the stage when she was introduced at a rally, and sings creepy songs to Ted Cruz’s daughters, who have already endured enough to have to live with knowing Ted Cruz is their real dad, no matter how much they wish it was the mailman. This is what a dying campaign looks like.
- May 3rd, 2016: Sen. Cruz decides to sit down for an interview with the leader of the anti-gay hate group, the Family Research Council, Tony Perkins, and spread lies about how transgendered people are sexually assaulting women in public bathrooms. Unironically, but moments later, Cruz lamented how a vote for him would be one away from “anger and hatred” in politics.
- May 4th, 2016: Ted Cruz drops out of the presidential race, and at his announcement, he manages to elbow his wife Heidi in the face.
- June 13th, 2016: Now, one might think that a tragedy like the mass shooting that killed 50 people at the Pulse Nightclub in Orlando might be a good time to lay off the partisan rhetoric and bring the country together for mourning an healing. Unless they’re a sociopathic troll son of a b**** like Ted Cruz, of course, who decided to release a statement that blamed liberals for not sufficiently condemning violence by ISIS against the LGBT community:
“For all the Democrats who are loud champions of the gay and lesbian community whenever there is a culture battle waging, now is the opportunity to speak out against an ideology that calls for the murder of gays and lesbians. ISIS and the theocracy in Iran (supported with American taxpayer dollars) regularly murder homosexuals, throwing them from buildings and burying them under rocks. This is wrong, it is evil, and we must all stand against it. Every human being has a right to live according to his or her faith and conscience, and nobody has a right to murder someone who doesn’t share their faith or sexual orientation. If you’re a Democratic politician and you really want to stand for LGBT, show real courage and stand up against the vicious ideology that has targeted our fellow Americans for murder.”
This not only ignores the fact that Democrats DO hate that ISIS does that and condemn it, and again, it’s a really tactless time to try and score partisan points, unless you’re a heartless husk of a human being trying to mimic emotions like Ted Cruz does.
- June 20th, 2016: Sen. Cruz votes against Senate Amendment 4720, to prohibit the transfer of firearms to suspected terrorists… because kowtowing to the NRA is more important to him than preventing terrorism.
- June 28th, 2016: Ted Cruz, at a Senate committee hearing about Islamic terrorism, calls forth a witness, Chris Gaubatz, who proceeds to accuse the two members of Congress who are Muslim (Rep. Keith Ellison and Rep. Andre Carson) of being secret members of the Muslim Brotherhood.
- October 27th, 2016: With less than two weeks until Election Day, and a Hillary Clinton victory looking to be a highly likely outcome, Ted Cruz began trying to argue that there was a “historical precedent” for having only 8 Supreme Court Justices, hinting that he and the GOP Senate would continue obstructing any and all nominees put forth by her.
The oddest thing about the 2016 GOP Presidential Primary was that somehow, Donald Trump proved himself to be enough of a raging ***hole that we almost… ALMOST felt bad for Ted Cruz. If there was ever a metaphor for Cruz being overshadowed by Trump, it was probably when he was literally speaking out against the sentient rancid tangerine at the RNC, and Trump’s plane buzzed his speech. I mean, when he got called “Lyin’ Ted”, we didn’t blink, because Ted Cruz is a prolific liar. But when Trump started outright clowning him and called his wife Heidi ugly, or accused Sen. Cruz’s father of being an accomplice in the assassination of JFK…
Well, that was brutal. And it made it easy to understand why Ted Cruz went out on the third night of the Republican National Convention, and refused to endorse Trump. It was a stance most could agree with, not just because of Trump’s utter ignorance and unfitness for office… but that he personally had besmirched Cruz’s loved ones. Maybe for the first time ever, people nodded in approval for Ted Cruz for being a human being for once. Cruz promised he would not endorse Trump like a “servile puppy”.
But no, Ted Cruz isn’t just a puppy, he’s a little b**** of one, and came crawling back to endorse Donald Trump and actually phone bank for him about ten weeks later. He caved, and was broken. Would his efforts pay off to help Trump get elected? Nope. He hopped back on board the Trump train right before it went off a cliff and into a canyon, for good, as the Access Hollywood tape of Trump bragging about sexual assault dropped just after that. Which of course, led Cruz to whine that NBC should have released the tapes much earlier (i.e. when it would have helped him win the primary).
Long story short, Ted Cruz is up for re-election in 2018, and Rick Perry or Michael McCaul are strongly rumored to be coming to challenge him for his seat, for being a self-serving s***stain who has helped drive the GOP into the ground the past several years. We look forward to being rid of the Zodiac Killer, once and for all.