From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
It's almost over. It's fourth and goal with seconds on the clock. 2016 is about to become an ex-year. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster.
Below the fold is the thrilling conclusion---October through five seconds ago---of the psychotic 366 days (I blame all our problems on that damn leap day) we’re finally at the end of, in our year-end series 2016: Well, That Kinda Sucked. Included: fascinating stats, more of Pete Souza’s White House pics, the best late-night barbs and, believe it or not, a lot of things that didn’t actually suck.
As we await tomorrow night’s descent of the giant ball (HuhHuhHuh…I said giant ball) in Times Square, all the writers, editors, gaffers, key grips, fuzzy critters and catheter sales reps at C&J wish you a festive New Year's Eve and a 2017 full of good health, constructive rebelling, Trump impeachment, and two additional toppings of your choice for only $9.99.
Oh, and one more thing before 2017 arrives and I get shipped off to my ex-gay re-education camp in one of the GOP’s Freedom Railcars: fuck you, Trump. And your little Pence, too.
Your wormhole to the past opens up one last time below the fold... [Swoosh!!] Right now! [Gong!!]
Note: Due to it being the last holiday we'll get off until Memorial Day, Daily Kos will be C&J-free on Monday and Tuesday. Back Wednesday in a zen-like state that will be greeted with equal parts skepticism and awe. ---Mgt.
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Puppy pic of the day: Finding Zoey's collar…
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C&J 2016 Flashback: October
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Mike Pence says America is "in deep trouble right now." If by deep trouble he means low gas prices, low unemployment, high stock market, healthier economy than most of the world, more ethnic diversity, thriving space program, millions more with health insurance, fatter paychecks and no foreign terrorist attacks on U.S. soil during the Obama years then, yeah, we're in some deep shit.
Yoshinori Ohsumi, a Japanese cell biologist, is awarded the Nobel Prize in Physiology/Medicine for discovering how cells recycle their content, a process known as autophagy, a Greek term for “self-eating.” When Donald Trump hears about the eating habits of cells he calls them disgusting and says they'd never be crowned Miss Universe.
Alabama Chief Justice Roy Moore gets booted from the bench for being a lawbreaking homophobe. Unless he decides to run for governor, Moore will spend his days in his underwear watching reruns of The 700 Club at full volume while chugging cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon and having imaginary conversations with Jesus and Antonin Scalia. Oh, you bet your ass he's running for governor, says Mrs. Moore.
By the Numbers
Percent of Kossacks who give the Obama administration an A and a B, respectively, for their record on climate change after seven-and-a-half years: 14%, 49%
Percent of Americans who support the death penalty, the lowest number since 1972 according to Pew Research: 42%
Percent of the time that Politifact rated Tim Kaine (D) and Mike Pence (R), respectively, "true" or "mostly true" during its VP debate fact checking: 79%, 31%
Number of sentences of non-violent offenders president Obama commutes this month, bringing his total to 774: 102
Percent of Florida likely voters who support President Obama's opening of relations with Cuba, according to a Bloomberg poll: 67%
Percent of Kossacks who say they would have a problem if there was a taco truck on every corner: 5%
David Thouless, Duncan Haldane and Michael Kosterlitz are honored by the Nobel prize committee for their breakthroughs in topology, a branch of mathematics that describes properties of objects. The scientists say that super-thin materials can conduct electricity without resistance, and based on their theoretical model they estimate that the entire New York metro area could keep the lights on by attaching electrodes to Donald Trump's skin.
Hurricane Matthew strikes Florida as a Cat-4 storm. Governor Rick Scott says he's on the case and will be doing everything within his abilities to help people get through it. But Obama's kick-ass FEMA director Craig Fugate is also be down there doing everything within his abilities to help people through it, so it'll be okay.
In Atlantic City, the Trump Taj Mahal---where "the house always wins"---closes its doors for good because the house lost its shirt. It's the last remnant of the mighty Trump empire there, which was really never mighty nor an empire. The closure reinforces why you should never play Trump-style roulette. No matter how you spin the wheel, the little ball always ends up in the red.
The 2016 Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Colombian President Juan Manuel Santos for his efforts to end his country's long-running civil war with FARC rebels, five days after voters in Colombia narrowly reject a peace deal that Santos' government had spent years negotiating. This year's medal looks a little different from previous ones. Instead of a group of three men forming a fraternal bond with an inscription reading Pro pace et fraternitate gentium, it's just a guy facepalming with the inscription reading 'A' For Effort.
Maine Governor Paul LePage says if Donald trump wins he should exert “authoritarian power,” which means "concentrated power in the hands of a leader or a small elite that is not constitutionally responsible to the body of the people,” according to Encyclopedia Brittanica. LePage later says he understands there was confusion over his comments, and promises to clarify them at the next Nurnberg rally.
Michigan Governor Rick Snyder continues to insist he's doing everything he can to fix the water poisoning situation he caused in Flint. Unfortunately, everything he can do amounts to rearranging the pencils in his office coffee cup and hiring caterers to throw lavish parties for his wife. But he’s doing those really well.
Late Night Snark
"I honestly thought Donald Trump had peaked on the whack-a-doo meter. Turns out he's got another gear. How is that possible? You started your campaign accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way it could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish."
---Michael Che, SNL
"Take a Tic-Tac and grab 'em by the pussy is the closest thing to a plan Donald Trump has described this entire election."
---Samantha Bee
"Donald wanted me drug tested before last night's debate. I've got to tell you, I am so flattered that Donald thought I used some sort of performance enhancer. Actually, I did. It's called preparation."
---Hillary Clinton at the Al Smith Dinner
“Democracy’s gonna end with a cliffhanger. I guess we’re all gonna have to wait until November 9th to find out if we still have a country---if Donald Trump is in the mood for a peaceful transfer of power, or if he’s just gonna wipe his fat ass with the Constitution.”
---Stephen Colbert
106 daily newspapers have endorsed Hillary Clinton for president. Zero daily U.S. newspapers have endorsed Donald Trump. The What's Aleppo Gazette has endorsed Gary Johnson.
Lennie Gerber and Pearl Berlin, a North Carolina lesbian couple who have been together for 49 years and recently got married, appear in an ad in which they promote "the historic nature of voting for Hillary Clinton." Not to be outdone, the Trump campaign is now producing a video of his elderly supporters beating reporters with their canes.
FBI director James Comey violates every formal and informal protocol on pre-election decorum expected of the agency by issuing a letter---after getting a secret back-channel green light from Rep. Jason Chaffetz of the House Hillary Is A Witch Subcomittee---saying that there were emails somewhere saying something about something (we don’t know yet because we haven't even gotten a warrant) and we'll clear it all up after the election, but for now voters should just take this bizarre generic information revealing nothing and VOTE FOR DONALD TRUMP. For her part, Hillary is doing what her opponent never does: demanding immediate transparency over whatever the hell this is about. Of course, it might be easier if the FBI director knew what the hell this is about, but he doesn't. How ironic to think that her first words after taking office might actually be: "You're fired."
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November
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The Clinton campaign finds the little girl who starred in Lyndon Johnson's famous 1964 "Daisy" ad, which warned of Barry Goldwater’s extremist views about nukes---and casts her in a new commercial. It's a reminder that it doesn’t matter how small Trump’s hands are, they'll still be big enough to push buttons.
In Portland, Oregon, all of the militia members who were charged in the armed standoff at the Malheur Wildlife refuge are, to everyone's disbelief, acquitted by a jury. When asked why they didn't vote to convict the lawbreakers despite it being such an open-and-shut case, the jury says they were hurt that prosecutors didn’t say "pretty please with sugar on top." It's always the little things.
The 2017 enrollment period for Obamacare begins. People who blow it off are reminded that there's a more severe penalty this year: 2.5 percent of your taxable income or one of your kidneys.
Renewable energy---specifically solar and wind---overtakes coal as "the largest source of cumulative installed power capacity worldwide." Republicans insist that the occasion be marked by lowering all flags to half-staff.
By the Numbers
Popular vote for Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump, respectively: 65,844,610 (48%) / 62,979,636 (46%)
Number of terms Maricopa County, Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio lasted before getting booted by voters: 6
Unemployment rate when Obama took office and today, respectively: 7.6%, 4.9%
Percent chance that marijuana ballot initiatives passed in CA, ME, MA, NV, FL, AK, ND and MT: 100%
Percent chance that a congressional panel has green-lighted construction of the American Museum of Women's History on or near the National Mall: 100%
Year by which Canada plans to phase out coal-fueled electricity entirely: 2030
Total estimated number of people who turned out to watch the Chicago Cubs victory parade and rally: 5 million
FBI director James Comey announces that his 8-day-old investigation into the emails on a Clinton aide's laptop is over and there will be no charges filed, effectively ending the whole sorry saga. A commenter at white-supremacist site Breitbart.com sums up the gullibility of the Trump orcs and their inability to have an independent thought in their brains: "I'm disappointed. Trump said this was bigger than Watergate." For those of you keeping score: As of today Republicans loved Comey before they hated Comey before they loved Comey before they hated Comey.
Confounding the entire universe, Donald trump wins enough states to become president-elect. The words of Molly Ivins from Bush II's 2004 re-election put the results in perspective:
"Want to feel better? Eat a sour grape, then do something immediately, now, today. Figure out what you can do to help rescue the country---join something, send a little money to some group, call somewhere and offer to volunteer, find a politician you like at the local level and start helping him or her to move up. Think about how you can lend a hand to the amazing myriad efforts that will promptly break out to help the country recover from what it has done to itself. Now is the time. Don't mourn, organize."
But first: we puke.
Democratic Attorney General Roy Cooper defeats Republican Northy Carolina Gov. Pat McCrory, due in large part to his support of the law he enacted that repealed local LGBT nondiscrimination ordinances and forbade transgender people from using the bathrooms corresponding to their gender identity. You might say McCrory just met his Water…loo.
Democrats who win their senate elections include Catherine Cortez Masto (NV), Maggie Hassan (NH), Tammy Duckworth (IL) Chris van Hollen (MD) and Kamala Harris (CA). They'll each get their own seat in the upper chamber, a premium parking space, and x-ray vision.
President Obama welcomes President-elect Donald Trump to the White House. Afterward, the real-estate swindler emerges looking sensory-overloaded and scared. The two talk in the Oval Office for 90 minutes. That's longer than the originally-scheduled ten minutes, mostly because Obama has to spend so much time saying, "Put that down."
A new study shows that people who are really happy are more likely to get ripped off. Thus explaining why the #1 tweet among Trump supporters on election night was "Anyone seen my wallet?"
Wasting no time, the Trump campaign rewards stalwart ally and transition-team leader Chris Christie by booting him from the president-elect’s transition team---revenge for his years-ago prosecution and imprisonment of Trump son-in-law Jared Kushner's dad. Meanwhile, former Rep. Mike Rogers (R-MI) flees the presidential transition team. His goodbye letter says, simply: "You people are nuts."
Eight days after the election the Trump team has yet to get in touch with the Pentagon, State Department or other federal agencies. The State Department and Pentagon have said on the record they have had no contact with any member of the transition staff. Adds the Pentagon spokesman: "If you don’t include all the butt-dials."
Late Night Snark
"If you vote for Hillary you're a grownup. If you vote for Trump you're a sucker. If you don't vote for anyone you're an asshole."
---Louis C.K.
"America 's done it. We've actually elected an internet troll as our president."
---Dave Chapelle on SNL
"It turns out instead of showing our daughters that they could someday be president, America proved that no grandpa is too racist to become leader of the free world."
---John Oliver
"After Donald Trump met with President Obama, Trump seemed surprised by the scope of the president’s duties. Trump said, 'Who knew?' And Hillary was like: I did."
---Jimmy Fallon
"Maybe students are upset because, unlike the Fox News hosts who came straight out of the extrusion tubes in Rupert Murdoch's basement, today's college kids are multi-racial and international and actually know people who will be hurt by a Trump presidency. Of course they're scared. Especially the history majors."
---Samantha Bee
Astronaut Peggy Whitson, along with a Russian and a Frenchman, blasts off in a Soyuz rocket en route to the International Space Station. When she turns 57 there she'll become the oldest woman in space, and when the current commander leaves she'll become the first woman to command the ISS twice. That is, if Americans don’t vote to bring her back and replace her with a white racist dude with an astronaut costume and no experience.
Trump's vice president-elect attends a performance of Hamilton and has to fend off a savage attack as a handful of audience members boo and the entire cast joins hands to say "We hope this show has inspired you to uphold our American values and work on behalf of all of us." In response, the Trumpbots begin a boycott of the show which, considering the current availability of seating, will start having an effect within ten years after Trump leaves office.
Fidel Castro, the Cuban dictator who promised to lead a benevolent government after overthrowing horrible-in-his-own-right Fulgencio Batista but then robbed the people blind and established a miserable regime of oppression, dies. He was 90. Let this be a lesson to you, kids: smoking cigars can kill ya.
On the heels of the Oxford Dictionary’s choice of “post-truth” as its word of the year, Dictionary-dot-com announces its top vote-getter: xenophobia. The word means “fear or hatred of foreigners, people from different cultures, or strangers,” and is not to be confused with “Xenaphobia,” which is an intense fear of warrior princesses.
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December
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Nancy Pelosi is given another term as House minority leader. Meanwhile, history is made when Rep. Linda Sanchez (CA) is voted vice chair of the House Democratic Caucus---the first woman of color elected to a leadership post in a congressional caucus. She gets a key to the executive restroom, a better parking spot, and is now third in line to yell "You lie!" during Trump's next speech to Congress.
After whining about the election results, including blaming his own citizens of ballot fraud, North Carolina Governor Pat McCrory finally admits defeat. First item on Democrat Roy Cooper's agenda: drain a can of Lysol into every inch of the governor's office to get rid of that giant asshole smell.
After watching president-elect Trump ignite a major international incident with China by way of a single phone call with the president of Taiwan, liberals vow to never mock people who build backyard survival bunkers stocked with Spam, water and short-wave radios again.
By the Numbers
Donald Trump's current favorability rating during his "honeymoon phase" according to Gallup: 42%
Years since American consumers were as thrilled with the U.S. economy as they are now, according to a pre-election survey by the Conference Board: 9
Number of U.S. businesses out of 887 surveyed that achieved a perfect 100% score for LGBT equality in the workplace, up from 407 last year according to the Human Rights Campaign's annual Corporate Equality Index: 517
NJ Gov. Chris Christie approval rating, according to a Fairleigh Dickinson University Public Mind poll: 18%
Percent of Americans who believe it's important for Trump to remove himself from the operations of his businesses before Inauguration Day, according to a Politico-Morning Consult poll: 79%
Minutes it takes Trump and his team to correct the word "unpresidented" to "unprecedented" in a tweet about China's hijacking of a U.S. undersea drone: 87
Native Americans and environmentalists celebrate as President Obama halts construction of the Dakota Access pipeline. It's a victory for sovereign Indian rights over the white man. But the battle isn't over. In a month they'll have to deal with something far worse: a battle over sovereign Indian rights with the orange man.
Experts conclude that the Death Star would cost $7.7 octillion to operate. But that'll drop to 5 octillion after President Trump promises to negotiate a beautiful deal and get Mexico to pay for it.
The long-anticipated KKK trump victory parade in North Carolina amounts to a small bunch of yahoos flying confederate traitor flags from their pickup trucks as they race from point A to point B. There are no incidents along the route, although when they reached the finish line several members are treated for windburn.
Famed astronaut and Ohio senator John Glenn, who personified the phrase "The Right Stuff," dies. The All-American hero was 95. And a Democrat.
Cheers and Jeers turns 13, finally matching its creator's IQ.
The U.S. Treasury releases its monthly account of the federal deficit. Or, as it will be known after 12 noon on January 20th: that thing Republicans no longer give a crap about for at least the next four years.
President Obama signs the 21st Century Cures Act. Included in the bill is money for Joe Biden's cancer initiative, along with funding for NIH, opioid abuse prevention, and the treatment of horrible brain diseases such as Breitbartism.
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story opens nationwide despite a boycott by pro-Trump Nazis who object to the film's diverse cast and depiction of good triumphing over evil. Moviegoers end up flocking to theaters in greater numbers than expected because of a boycott by pro-Trump Nazis who object to the film's diverse cast and depiction of good triumphing over evil.
Late Night Snark
"Donald Trump and Mitt Romney had dinner together at an expensive restaurant in New York City called Jean-Georges. The two billionaires dined on fancy French cuisine and then talked about how out of touch Washington is."
---Conan O'Brien
“Elaine Chao has been picked for Transportation Secretary. She'll be in charge of all the buses that Trump throws people under.”
---Stephen Colbert
"On Twitter Trump announced his nominee for secretary of state, Rex Tillerson, CEO of a small mom-and-pop business called Exxon Mobil. He announced he’s changing his slogan from 'Drain the swamp' to 'Fill ’er up!'”
---Jimmy Kimmel
"Look, Democrats, I know you're having a rough time. But if your panic over a loss makes you abandon both your principles and the people who actually vote for you, then you'll be in the wilderness for a decade...or until Trump's cabinet sells the wilderness to oil companies, so really about a month."
---Samantha Bee
Recreational marijuana becomes legal in Massachusetts. Residents throughout the state breathe a sigh of relief that, after decades of trial and error, something effective has finally been put in place to make their crazy drivers go slower.
The electoral college officially gives Donald Trump enough votes to become president-elect. The best advice for all of us, courtesy of Republican Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina from the primary season: "You know how you make America great again? Tell Donald Trump to go to hell." Sixty percent of America prepares to oblige.
In the span of four days, the world loses George Michael, author of Watership Down Richard Adams, astrophysicist and dark matter discoverer Vera Rubin, red Solo Cup inventor Robert Hulseman, Carrie Fisher, and her mom Debbie Reynolds. Everyone agrees that it's a tragic end to a year in which a historically-high number of legends were taken from us. They also agree they'd love to be a fly on the wall during that elevator ride to the top.
President Obama and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau ban drilling in Arctic areas under U.S. and Canadian control. The order also makes Atlantic offshore drilling off-limits from Maryland up to Canada. So now, instead of offshore oil rigs, the energy companies will have to settle for offshore wind turbines. Oh, the horror.
And that’s the way it was. Thanks for reading. The End.
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