While your candidate spends much of their time counting the tens of millions of dollars they’ve earned through speaking fees and horrific acts of violence better suited for the 7th installation of A Song of Fire and Ice...my candidate is only able to count a meager couple of million bucks.
While my candidate is old and white...your candidate is olderer and whiterer!
While your sorry excuse for a human being candidate believes in equal rights for women, my candidate believes in more equaler rights for Women(note the use of a capital letter).
My candidate is a champion of civil rights and supports legislation aimed at making it easier for people to vote. Your candidate on the other hand is a lesser champion of civil rights and although they support legislation that makes it easier for people to vote, they don’t support it as hard as my candidate does.
While your candidate has energized young voters, my candidate has energized younger voters evidenced by the toddlers for my candidate bumbo chair sticker I saw dropping the kids off at daycare.
While your candidate drinks beer, my candidate drinks craft beer made by someone who has grown an unnecessarily long and bushy beard.
My candidate only eats level 4 grass fed 90% lean beef from Whole Foods, while your candidate eats the 85% lean and will sometime eat the level 1 beef.
While my candidate does their hair each morning, your candidate clearly does not.
My candidate also rocks a suit better than yours, “it’s called a tailor!”
While your candidate will change their accent based on the demographics of their audience, my candidate sounds funny all the time without trying.
While your candidate is just a man, mine is not!!!
I hope this helps some of you undeclared voters make your choice before it’s too late.
My apologies to Martin (Ned Flanders) O’Malley supporters, he is neither of the two people I am referencing here. Here’s one for you guys.
While your candidate has an actual chance of winning a foot race between group, my candidate would likely have a heart attack.