Waffles are one of my favorite foods. I love waffles. Slightly sweet, crispy, perfect for tracking little pockets of syrup, fruit, cream, butter, whatever I put on them. The texture makes them fun, and cooking them makes the house smell wonderful (especially with my recent low-carb waffle experimentation, but I digress).
I really prefer them to pancakes. I explained this to a friend who said he liked pancakes. I told him I have nothing against pancakes. I like pancakes. I just like waffles more. They’re crispy and the texture is more fun than pancakes, which are kinda soft and spongy by comparison. But I’d totally eat pancakes if waffles weren’t an option.
My friend got all huffy about this. He asked me what exactly I meant by “soft and spongy.” I got confused and said I just prefer light and crispy on the outside, with texture.
He got all up in my face about how much texture a good pancake has, how the little bubbles in the surface of a pancake make them airy and playful, and they absorb syrup way better than some waffle. That if I think pancakes don’t have texture that I’m just wrong.
Now I would be lying if I said I didn’t take a little offense to this. So I responded firmly, but politely, that pancakes have some texture, but waffles have more, a crispness, and little pockets for flavor that pancakes just can’t match. And if he wanted his pancakes, that’s fine, but waffles are better to me.
Well, that set him off for some reason. God knows why. He started ranting at me about how dare I say my choices are better than his, and I should respect his choices for pancakes, and that pancakes have less sugar and fat than waffles anyway (seriously, he said, look it up, add sugar and oil to make pancake batter into waffle batter!) and my choices are unhealthy, so he’s right and I’m wrong. He said he wouldn’t eat those unhealthy waffles anyway.
Well I wasn’t going to take that lying down. I told him he just wanted to pretend pancakes were healthier so that he didn’t have to get up and do the real work of exercising to stay healthy, and that pancakes are just sweetened tortillas pretending to be breakfast food. He obviously wasn’t sophisticated enough to enjoy the delicate texture of a good waffle, that’s why pancake lovers like him settle for less.
And then he had the nerve to accuse me of elitism because waffle-worshippers like me looked down on people who didn’t want to pay for the expense of a waffle iron, or who just enjoyed a simple down-home griddle cake that’s plenty good enough for most Americans, unlike the waffle which came from France or Belgium or some place and you couldn’t even make in a simple frying pan.
Well, that hotcake drone can go straight to hell. I can’t stand the zealotry of the flapjackholes about their stupid flavorless limp excuses for breakfast food. How can anyone eat a breakfast consumed by those rude, crass idiots. I’ll stick with the light, delicious waffle, no matter how much those jerks malign it. And France?! Excuse me, but I’m not the one who eats crêpes.
God, who could even eat that crap anyway? If I can’t have my waffles, and I had to choose between E. Coli-tainted oatmeal and fucking pancakes, I’ll settle for the oatmeal.
Stupid pancake eating pancake eaters.