While everyone focus on the primary I have to focus on the realization that my death my be around the corner due to itp. It has been odd watching everyone around me come to accept the final terms that I am in two stages of treatment one the cure is more likely to kill me then the itp and two if the cure does not work I will bleed to death from the inside.
Death itself does not scare me because I have seen more then most get to see of the otherside due to my experiences as what I am or my so called gifts as people in the metaphysic community like to put it. Of course I question everyday what did I do that was so wrong that at 34 I have to face the reality of death as well as be in the hospital all the time. The worst part of the itp is when my platelets get low I feel fine. The only noticeable part of it is I get spots of blood that appear on my skin as bumps.
For me all I wanted to do in life was help those who I care about. I started out as a Christian following everything from the Bible when I first became Spiritual. I tried to go to church and work out my fears as people in High School were bullying me t the point that I nearly killed myself then. I still remember in High School sitting with a Knife to my heart asking God why me. It is the same question I ask when it comes to the ITP instead of a knife to my heart it is little platelets that do not seem to be working right. Part of me questions if in a way this world itself is rejecting some part of me. When it comes to faith though we didn’t all start off to be part of what you call the Weird or strange belief systems.
When I became pagan it was because Christianity could not answer my questions of why I must be hated for being different. You see I was Transgender and didn’t know it at the time of High School so I would see everyone different. It was like I was trying to watch what other people were doing to understand what was happening to me and why I was feeling this way. Native Americans call us two Soul. In some ways I believe my other half is like a balance of two different people. While I could not make the outward appearance match who I was on the inside. I had to come to a more inner balance of understanding within wisdom and reason.
That is why the wisdom and reason of all this is so odd to me now as I wait for tomorrow to come when I get my first treatment of rituxan a chemo like side effect that will be put inside me that could cause all numbers of reaction. The other treatment removal of the spleen. For whatever reason this world rejects me I still accept my fate that if I die it is what the Fates had in store for me. Nobody wants to hear me accept what is a likely outcome and reality for myself. All I pray for is when death finally does come that it isn’t painful. In a way it is the same for the community here there are those who can not accept what is reality and what isn’t. We see the world differently just like those who can not accept me understanding that I may die.
It is like a door is closed when we face life or death. The question is why must we be afraid of death? When the time comes I know where I will be going and I know who will be there. Now one can call me delusional for accepting that my version will most likely happen, but that is because I live on the edge of two worlds reality and what we believe is all in the mind. Maybe the truth is all of this is some dream and on death will just be simply waking up from that dream.