I saw this story “The Five Scary Moms You’ll Meet on the Playground” and I was a bit turned off by the whole post. I love to meet new people on playgrounds, in the store, the parking lot. I guess I am that terrifying mom, that will talk to any friendly person. Sometimes actually most times my hair is not coiffed, my socks if I am wearing any, might not even match. I probably have holes in my jeans and I commit the biggest middle aged female fashion faux pax ever—I love graphic tee-shirts. Holy shit, I am gonna die! And if you are caught talking to me, all the kids in school will make fun of you for talking to a nerd! You are gonna die too!
I guess this turned me off because even though I am not a professor, I do explain science to my kids when they ask, and sometimes when they don’t. I don’t belong to a country club obviously, but I can at times be found talking on the phone about rather high brow stuff. I am not gluten free, but I am into organic and pesticide free food whenever possible.
And I know lots of different kinds of moms. Many of them don’t get as dirty as I do, if they ever get dirt on themselves at all. Their cars are washed and perfect, and yea sometimes I get a little jealous of that. But you know—if they have the time management skills or assistance from spouse to get their car clean, and keep their laundry done, I don’t judge. Sometimes sure-- I feel a little intimidated because I look like Pigpen from the Peanuts, but you know in my defense—I am out saving the environment and teaching my kids about nature, and gardening and stuff. I like mud and I am okay with that.
My desire is that these women who are beautiful and perfect don’t judge me by my appearance like the author of this piece is judging these “types” of moms. I can tell that whatever is going on, they have had a bad time of it, meeting less than friendly people on the playground. I get where it’s coming from. Sometimes you are a lonely parent, longing for adult conversation and you take your kid to the park and you encounter people who just don’t want to talk to you. Maybe it is for reasons of snobbery, but then again, maybe they are having a bad day too. Maybe they are just shy.
I guess I have sort of given up on reaching out to other women-parents, because so many seem stuck in high school mentalities. I know, I have female relatives well into their 60s and beyond that still think like that. I decided a long time ago, that I cannot control their feelings or actions (and wouldn’t want to), so I let the chips fall where they may.
I have learned that the friends I have, especially other parent-friends, absolutely love that I get filthy dirty with my kids doing outside stuff (even if they don’t do that). And they call on me when they need advice about outside stuff, or a little kid-science stuff or some nutrition stuff. And the ones who ignore me or judge me---oh well. No skin off my back. Let them be who they are and hope that they find enlightenment and happiness if for no other reason than the sake of their kids.
Maybe not having a speck of dirt on them is what makes them feel happy and accomplished. Because raising kids can feel like a treadmill in hell some days. All you do is laundry and dishes and explain simple shit till your brain turns to baby food mush. Maybe having perfect hair is their antidote to oatmeal brain. Maybe having a clean car and clean shoes are the specific things they can control in their chaotic child rearing world and this is what keeps them sane. We like sane moms and dads—that often equates to well-adjusted kids.
There are days, when the only thing I can control in my house is making my bed. Everything else has gone to hell in a handbasket but goddamnit I made my fucking bed. It’s a small act of rebellion against the mountain of mess and chaos that is going to fall on my head at any second.
Those moms that are sticklers for food allergies like gluten etc., Deal with a kid who has bad food allergies, ones like me who developed behavioral problems when they only eat certain things. You would be going militantly gluten free too if you were in those shoes. Because, off the offending food you kid is a good kid, productive and normal. On the offending food and Hunter S. Thompson would be able to write a Gonzo-book on their weird violent outbursts. Raoul on LSD is a step up.
I guess it bothers me that people assume that parents would go to all this trouble only for the sake of appearances. I suppose there will be some who do, but most people only make such monumental efforts because the alternative is so unpleasant for them, so complicated or crazy, that the pay off for eliminating certain substances means a saner world, which in terms of raising children is a relative thing at best.
My kids right now are hooked on baking organic cakes. Yea, you read right. We visited Ecuador and ate the chocolate sold there on the street corners and mercados, and we drank hot coco made from raw milk and local cane sugar, hell we even ate raw sugar cane. And now processed-regular chocolate tastes like candle wax. (their words). So we buy organic cane sugar, organic flour, organic cocoa, etc., and we make chocolate cakes. And they taste nothing like a cake from a box. Nothing at all. Its the difference between a sweet crisp apple picked from the tree and wax fruit you found in grandma’s flower arrangement.
Some people also make these changes because that is their preference.
Maybe the scary moms are judging you and me. But then—why would I want to perpetuate that bullshit? Some people might still act like they are in high-school, and they are one of the “Plastics” and that is their loss—their sad sad life. I grew up. And I like being a grown up. I like being a person who doesn’t feel compelled to judge everyone I see as lacking. I unapologetically come from a different world than most people. I don’t just walk to the beat of a different drum. Sometimes I walk to a kazoo symphony with beat boxing. Whoever you are---you should be that person with a smile because life is too short to spend every day in asshole mode. Accepting yourself as you are, makes it possible to be accepting of diverse people as well. Being accepting of yourself makes you warmer and that gives people unspoken permission to approach you as a potential friend or friendly acquaintance.
I hope you find the friends you need, that satisfy your intellectual needs, laugh at your jokes, and give you the compassion and acceptance we all crave as people.