Berners:
Congratulations on the big Michigan upset. I’ve been setting my watch by 538.com for so long, I didn’t even realize I was late for dinner last night. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t be proud of kicking “the man’s” ass, (as in mainstream media; internet polling whizzes, and that one guy,) and bringing home the bacon in the Great Lakes State.
I think it’s only because more people voted for Bernie Sanders than Hillary Clinton in the Michigan Primary, but enjoy it anyway. Go ahead and celebrate, and have a good time, but no drunk driving, and absolutely no running naked through my backyard. (I WILL call the cops this time, and that means YOU, Harold!)
I hope you all realize that as a major Hillary Clinton supporter in this campaign, I do not consider a single one of you my enemy, or antagonist, or rival for the affections of Jennifer Granstocking, who likes me better because I’m nice. The only thing I’ve cared about since I was five years old, and will continue to care about until they put me in the warm, cold ground, is that we beat the GOP, who are not only evil, but they are also not very nice. (they have absolutely NO shot at Jennifer Granstocking, who was voted “Most Likely to Charm the Pants of a Baby Egret” six years running)
Please everyone, whoever wins, let’s remember we’re Democrats here at KOS, and let’s all be friends. You are all invited to a BBQ at my house this Saturday. Bring your own food and beverages, and grill. I am very poor. I can’t even afford a proper shirt.