From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned from Republicans in April
Clear out some space in your cranium. These are gonna take up some room…
Rocker Bryan Adams has declared war on Jesus. (AFA spokesman Bryan Fischer)
Black people are dumb and they have tattoos on their foreheads. (Bill O'Reilly)
Pouring Baileys on cereal is a thing. (RNC chair Reince Priebus)
A grown-up way to react to Target's trans-inclusive bathroom policy is to go to Target and pee on the floor. (Pastor Rick Wiles)
"There is no substantive-due-process right to stimulate one's genitals for non-medical purposes unrelated to procreation or outside of an interpersonal relationship." (Sen. Ted Cruz)
Ted Cruz is the most punchable candidate. (Special Counsel to Donald Trump Michael Cohen)
Ted Cruz is Lucifer in the flesh. (Former Speaker of the House John Boehner)
Sen. Cruz is the flavor du jour of the week. (Trump campaign manager Corey Lewandowski)
Harriet Tubman shouldn’t replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 because it will upset America's racists. (Greta Van Susteren)
Harriet Tubman shouldn’t replace Andrew Jackson on the $20 because all it's doing is creating a new form of slavery. (Dr. Ben Carson)
The FCC should punish blasphemy! (Pat Boone)
Internet porn must be banned because people who don’t want to see it might see it. (Utah state Rep. Todd Weiller)
Satan created giants to build Stonehenge. (Dr. Dennis Lindsay)
Congratulations. You may now add another sparkle pony sticker to your diploma. Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Monday, May 2, 2016
Note: Happy Birthday, Jed Lewison, wherever you are! And many blessings on your camels.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til Atlantic hurricane season starts: 30
Days 'til Lost Sock Memorial Day: 7
Year by which SpaceX wants to launch a Dragon capsule to Mars: 2018
Number of steps in the winding staircase you have to climb to get to the belfry of the Big Ben clock tower, which first went into service in 1859: 334
Percent chance an elevator is being installed during its latest round of renovations, according to AP: 100%
Number of foreign fighters joining ISIS in Iraq or Syria every month during 2015 and 2016, respectively, according to The Washington Post: 2,000 / 200
Percent of Arab 18-24 year-olds who profess zero support for ISIS now, up from 60% a year ago, according to an ASDA'A/Burson-Marsteller poll: 80%
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NEW Feature: “Meet Me in St. Louis!”
Brought to you by the 2016 Netroots Nation Convention in St. Louis, July 14-17. To fit in with the locals around St. Louis, you need to be Missouri-savvy. So memorize these tidbits from Enchanted Learning and you'll blend seamlessly:
Major Industries: farming (corn, soybeans), mining (zinc, lead), aircraft equipment, cars, beer
Origin of the Name Missouri: Missouri was named for an Algonquian Indian word that means "river of the big canoes."
State Motto: "Salus populi suprema lex esto " ---The welfare of the people shall be the supreme law
State Song: Missouri Waltz
Dinosaur Fossils Found in Missouri: Parrosaurus, a small tyrannosaurid (perhaps Albertosaurus), hadrosaurs (duck-billed dinosaurs)
State Animal: Missouri mule
Musical Instrument: Fiddle
And the state asskicker is "The McCaskill."
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Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to May! The month of flowers, Mom's Day, Armed Forces Day, Victoria Day, National Pet week (starts today!) "End of the Middle Ages" Day (May 29---for Republicans it's a day of mourning), and Cinco de Something or Other. It's National Hamburger Month for carnivores and National Salad Month for vegans. Primary action happens in Indiana (tomorrow), Guam, West Virginny, Kentucky and Oregon. Memorial Day weekend kicks off summer in 28 days. Full moon arrives on the 21st, so mark your calendar to look up and wink at Neil Armstrong that night. If "movie version of Angry Birds” is on your bucket list, you'll get your wish, along with sequels to Alice in Wonderland, Neighbors, Captain America and X Men. As usual, yesterday's highlight was the Daily Kos contributing editors dressed in their frilly best dancing around the Maypole. Also as usual, they ended up with a bent pole and a huge granny knot, and all camera phone memories were erased.
JEERS to Sheety McSheetface. The Imperial Wizard of the Rebel Brigade Knights of the Ku Klux Klan down Virginia-way opened his mouth recently and this came out:
WWBT 12 news anchor Chris Thomas asked the Klan leader which candidate is best suited for the presidency.
The so-called Imperial Wizard responded “I think Donald Trump would be best for the job,” adding that “the reason a lot of Klan members like Donald Trump is because a lot of what he believes in, we believe in."
Moments later a woman's voice was heard in the distance: "I'm Hillary Clinton, and I approve this message."
CHEERS to a defense from Defense. And speaking of Hillary: as the Pentagon tells Benghazi witch hunt chairman Trey Gowdy and the other Republicans on the House Oversight Committee to please knock it off with the hail-Mary document requests, former defense secretary Robert Gates showed up on This Week yesterday to offer his shrug over Hillary Clinton's damn emails:
Martha Radditz: Secretary Clinton has spent a good deal of time in government. I know there is lots of over-classification and people complain about that. But with your experience, if you read a document in an email, would you have a pretty good idea whether it should be marked Top Secret even if it wasn't?
Robert Gates: Sometimes not. The truth is, things are over-classified, and sometimes I would get something and it would be classified Secret or Top Secret. And I would look at somebody and say, I'm about to tell a foreign leader what is on this piece of paper that's marked Top Secret. And that's going to do serious damage to the United States? Why are you giving it to me as a talking point if it's classified Top Secret? So it is tough sometimes. And if you don't have any markings on a piece of paper, it is tough sometimes to tell whether it's classified or not.
Today marks the 725th day of the investigation at a taxpayer cost of over $7 million and by all accounts they’re no closer to coming to a different conclusion than the seven other House and Senate committee investigations that turned up nothing. But at least Gowdy finally picked out a font for the final report: he calls it Hillary Is The Devil New Roman.
CHEERS to the days of lollipops and surpluses. On May 2, 1997, President Clinton (#42, not to be confused with #45) and congressional Republicans came to terms on a plan to balance the budget over five years. Said Newt Gingrich of the bipartisan agreement: "This is a great moment for our children and our grandchildren and our country, and we are proud to be part of that." Fourteen years later, as a presidential candidate, Gingrich foolishly raised his hand when asked if he would veto a budget with ten dollars in cuts for every 1 dollar in revenue increases. But in fairness, he did also offer jobs to our children and grandchildren. As janitors. On the moon. Amazingly, he didn’t become president.
JEERS to the crybaby governor. In terms of policies that harm residents of a state, there are many Republican governors vying for the designation as "The Worst." But when it comes to sheer incompetence and crybaby bluster, no one comes close to Maine's thin-skinned teabagger Paul LePage, who just finished up another self-inflicted shitty week guzzling whine:
First he came under fire for vetoing a unanimously passed bill to expand access to a heroin overdose antidote [a veto that was overridden by the legislature].
Next he endured withering criticism for poking fun at foreign accents.
Then he faced scrutiny for holding a closed-door meeting deemed illegal by the Maine Attorney General’s Office.
Finally, on Tuesday, the governor walked out of a public event just as he started delivering a speech because two students were silently holding protest signs in the back of the crowd.
So, in order: 1) heartless 2) bigoted 3) lawbreaking 4) petty. Aw, how cute---he's auditioning to be Trump's veep. Can't wait to see how he does against Christie in the ditch-crossing competition.
CHEERS to legendary ledgerkeepers. Economist and "unabashed liberal" John Kenneth Galbraith died ten years ago this week at 97. He served as an advisor to presidents from Roosevelt to Clinton, and left behind some snarky bits, too:
"All successful revolutions are the kicking in of a rotten door."
"Faced with the choice between changing one's mind and proving that there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof."
"In all life one should comfort the afflicted, but verily, also, one should afflict the comfortable, and especially when they are comfortably, contentedly, even happily wrong."
"Liberalism is, I think, resurgent. One reason is that more and more people are so painfully aware of the alternative."
In the latest Pew poll, liberals are resurgent over the "alternative" by 17 points, according to the American public. Painfully aware indeed.
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 2, 2006
JEERS to Big Brotherville, USA. Oh hey, this is a hoot:
The FBI secretly sought information last year on 3,501 U.S. citizens and legal residents from their banks and credit card, telephone and Internet companies without a court's approval, the Justice Department said Friday.
It was the first time the Bush administration has publicly disclosed how often it uses the administrative subpoena known as a National Security Letter, which allows the executive branch of government to obtain records about people in terrorism and espionage investigations without a judge's approval or a grand jury subpoena.
You can always spot a National Security Letter. It's got a picture of Ed McMahon proclaiming, "You may be the next WINNER...of a one-way trip to the secret Eastern European gulag of your choice!" (Certain blackout dates apply. Those would be the days we decide to hit you over the back of the head with a lead pipe.)
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And just one more…
JEERS to the other date which will live in infamy. Putting this little bit of history down here in the cellar where it belongs. Thirteen years ago yesterday our steely-eyed chief warrior, Commander Codpiece, who'd lied his pantaloons off to get our country to approve going to war with another country that hadn't done a thing to us, dressed up in a flight suit and pretended to fly a plane out to an aircraft carrier, where he made a victory speech under a banner that said MISSION ACCOMPLISHED. And oh how the pundit class swooned:
"Well, that was probably the coolest presidential image since Bill Pullman played the jet fighter pilot in the movie Independence Day."
---Joe Klein
"Speaking as a woman, and listening to the women who called into my radio show, seeing President Bush get out of that plane, carrying his helmet, he is a real man."
---Laura Ingraham
”...a one-time fighter dog.”
---Wolf Blitzer describing Bush
"Here comes George Bush. You know, he's in his flight suit, he's striding across the deck, and he's wearing his parachute harness, you know---and I've worn those because I parachute---and it makes the best of his manly characteristic. You go run that stuff again of him walking across there with the parachute. He has just won every woman's vote in the United States of America. You know, all those women who say size doesn't count---they're all liars. Check that out."
---G. Gordon Liddy
In fact, winning the war was so much fun that Commander Codpiece went on winning it for another eight years until his successor decided that enough winning had been won. When it was all over, hundreds of thousands of people had lost their lives, limbs and minds and Commander Codpiece's taxpayers were on the hook for upwards of six trillion victory dollars. Oh, and filling the vacuum Commander Codpiece created is a nightmare army of ISIS orcs whose favorite things in the world are raping women and burning people to death in cages. But the important thing is, Commander Codpiece and the very serious pundit class are living happily ever after to this very day. The End.
Have a tolerable Monday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
The Large Hadron Collider---the world’s biggest, most powerful particle accelerator---is going to be out of commission for a few days. Scientists are blaming a weasel. No, they’re not using old-timey slang to accuse their fellow researchers of subterfuge. It was Bill in Portland Maine.
---The Washington Post
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