Hi, it’s me. Debbie Wasserman Schultz.
So, after Bernie Sanders’ devastating attacks on my political machine, I have to come clean. Yes, it was me. I was the person responsible for rigging the system and handing the Democratic nomination to Hillary Clinton. That was me. All me.
Hillary Clinton had nothing to do with her victories. Her sensible, well-detailed policy proposals? Nope. Her decades of building relationships with black communities? Nope. Her hard-nosed comprehension of the world we live in today? Nope. No. No. No. It was me. I rigged everything and made Bernie Sanders lose. All me.
So I’ve been against Sanders from the start. I don’t know why, I just am. So when Sanders started gaining in the polls and turned Iowa into basically a tie and won New Hampshire, I made it my mission to destroy him. Every time Sanders made a speech, I had my cohorts sneak onto his podiums and drug his water. Every time he drank the water, he would become a little cloudy. Not confused exactly, just a little thin in terms of what his policy proposals were. He would state the main thesis of his views (make Wall Street accountable, bridge the gap between rich and poor, bring back the middle class, etc.) but then become unable to show the nuts and bolts of his plans to achieve his goals. Believe me, Bernie had some REALLY detailed policy proposals too, stuff that would turn this country around! Thank God we drugged his water, making him sound more like he was reading the back bumper of a Berkeley “Prius” than reading a comprehensible economic plan.
The next part of my plan was even more diabolical. After a wave of police shootings of unarmed black men and boys, Hillary Clinton leapt to condemn the carnage, but she was beaten to the punch by Bernie Sanders. Sanders wrote an extraordinary speech detailing what it must be like to be a mother seeing her children shot in the street and the killers walking off without punishment. It brought tears to my eyes just reading it, so I needed to repress it immediately. My cohorts with the DNC hacked the Sanders website, destroyed the speech, and instead inserted a bunch of plain vanilla check-the-boxes viewpoints about police needing to be held accountable. It made Sanders look like he was merely throwing a few bones to the black community while paying more attention to the repression of the (white) working class. African Americans needed more strongly worded condemnations and change. My squashing of Sanders’ ground-breaking speech closed off the black community to Sanders forever. Pretty sweet, right?
My last move against Sanders was so out there that even I am amazed I got away with it. Back in Nevada, a bunch of Bernie supporters got mad at the Chairwoman of the Nevada Democratic Party, got violent, and sent death threats to her and her grandchild. Bernie Sanders was horrified. He released a blistering statement condemning the violence and stating that any and all “so-called supporters” who used violence in his name were perverting his revolution of pacifism and change. It was a strong statement.
And I yanked it.
Yeah, I yanked it. I squashed his statement and instead inserted this piece of self-entitled garbage. Even as I circulated though, I knew I made a mistake. Who would believe this??!!? Sanders had spent his whole life upholding peace and nonviolence. He has repeatedly voted for bills that help women who are vulnerable to violence. Who would POSSIBLY believe that Sanders would, with all of his history of progressive nonviolence, simply take a shit on his values by brushing off a violent incident with a weak denunciation and a statement saying his followers were JUSTIFIED in intimidating female leaders and Democratic politicians? I mean, that would have to be the biggest reversal on the planet! A complete tarring of Sanders’ entire career as a progressive politician!
Shit. I was dead. No one was going to believe this.
But they did.
Holy moly, they did! Oh my Lord, I got away with it!! Sweet Jesus. I mean, oh my Lord.
And now poor Bernie has to deal with the aftermath. Bernie has to deal with his funding drying up and disillusioned supporters having to go to Hillary because they simply cannot reconcile their values and the values they believed Bernie held with Bernie’s recent actions.
And all because of me!
Muahahahahahha!