***
So Trump is going to build a 2,000 mile wall along the southern border and slap a banner on it saying ‘Mission Accomplished,’ no more illegal immigration. We’ve still got 11,000 miles of coastline, Donald. I hear that business innovators are already working on a new strategy code named Back-door Operation Against Trump. Let’s see how their new B.O.A.T. technology works.
***
And what is all this “beautiful wall” talk about? Why does Trump have to gold-plate everything he does? I guess that’s how you do things when you’re always using other people’s money. Speaking as a life-long taxpayer I say make it an ugly wall and put the savings into the Social Security fund. I know you don’t have to worry about retirement, Donald, but the rest of us do.
***
For Parent’s Day at my third-grader’s class I decided to explain Trump’s wall to them. I put up a big map of the United States and pointed at the border with Mexico.
“Trump is going to build a wall part-way across this border. That will stop all the illegal immigrants and drug smugglers trying to get into our country. There’s no way they can get around that, is there?”
Immediately every kid ran up and started pointing all around the map. Each one picked a dozen different locations on the various coasts and the border with Canada.
“What about this place? What about that one? What about this one?”
I wound up getting banned from the school. They said I was detrimental to the children’s education. It was only temporary, though. When they saw how the kid’s geography scores went up they dropped the ban.
***
Donald dares drug smugglers to get anything past his wall. Uh-oh, a dare! If you think pumpkin-chunking contests are cool you’re going to love what happens next.
***
Building a wall is a ridiculous enough idea by itself, but forcing Mexico to pay for it? I have this image of Trump sending a bill to the president of Mexico and getting it back covered with suspicious stains. Let’s see what his Attorney General Denny Crane does with that.
***
Then again he’s pulled it off before, hasn’t he. Remember how he built a bunch of casinos in Atlantic City and forced the people of New Jersey to pay for it? I bet he’s got a scrapbook of all the unpaid invoices they sent him with the Unable to Collect stamps on them, something to cheer him up when Hillary gets ahead in the polls.
***
Every candidate promises to cut taxes, raise military spending, increase Social Security benefits and, of course, balance the budget all at the same time. Their plans to do that are always vague. Trump has to outdo everybody else, naturally, so his promises are even bigger and his plans even vaguer. When pressed about it he finally gave out a statement, however.
“I’m not going to give away my secret plan to solve all our economic problems. I can’t take a chance on someone besides me getting the credit. But I’ll give you a hint. You see, I have this magic goose…”
***
Trump promises to get advice from the best people, only the best sources. We’ve all seen what he uses for sources. Somebody needs to explain to him that the Weekly World News went out of business. But don’t give up hope, Donald. Maybe somebody who worked there can give you Bat Boy’s address. You can still have that new head of the CIA you wanted.
***
Chris Christie asked Trump why he wanted to be president.
“It’s all about service,” said Donald. “The president is the servant of every person in this country and subject to their wishes. If I become president I will serve, not lead. I’ll do whatever the people want, not what I want. I will always put the country first and myself last.”
NEWS FLASH: Donald Trump and Chris Christie were both rushed to the hospital this morning for emergency hernia surgery. According to the EMTs who picked them up Trump was unconscious but Christie mumbled something about “laughing too hard.”
***
Bad news for Trump. He promised to get better trade deals with other countries but wouldn’t say how. We just found out somebody leaked his whole negotiating strategy. Now all foreign trade negotiators are demanding a neutral referee.
“Damn it,” said Trump.”There goes my two-headed coin.”
***
People made fun of Trump when he identified someone as “my African-American“ in the crowd at one of his rallies, but it paid off for him. At the next rally three dozen of them showed up. He gave them the royal treatment. Each was carried out on a little bed made of a piece of canvas stretched between two poles, with a security man in front and a security man in back doing the lifting.
***
Donald Trump once said “a good woman is better than 10 good men.’ That wasn’t just pandering talk, either. He means to prove it personally when he goes up against Hillary Clinton on the debate stage.
***
So, it’s true what many of us have been suspecting. Donald Trump secretly does not really want to be President. Somebody in his inner circle let slip that he’s already written a letter of resignation. We don’t know the exact details but he’s going to update the old Groucho Marx line:
“I refuse to be president of any country that would elect someone like me as its president.”
***
Now that Trump has started using a teleprompter that raises an interesting question. Who’s writing his speeches for him? His handlers have gone to great lengths to keep it hidden but investigative reporters have managed to put the pieces together.
Item 1: Sources confirm that a holding company named DT Miller, LLC purchased an abandoned conference center in Carson City. Independent contractors remodeled it by knocking down the interior walls and bringing in five hundred writing desks, turning it into one giant office.
Item 2: Sources confirm that delivery drivers unloaded pallets containing five hundred typewriters and a hundred thousand reams of typing paper at one of Trump’s office buildings. The supplies were loaded onto trucks labeled J. Barron Enterprises and taken to an undisclosed location.
Item 3: Sources confirm that five hundred macaques were purchased by Drumpf International from various zoos and pet stores. No purpose was given.
So there it all is. You can connect the dots yourself.
That’s right, folks. Donald Trump’s speeches are coming from a big room full of monkeys tapping away at random on a bunch of typewriters.
***
Trump promises to find out what the secret plans of all the terrorists are. The man has never been in combat, never been near combat, never even seen a military plan in his entire life. Forget about secret. ISIS could post its entire order of battle on Trump’s home page and he wouldn’t understand a word of it. Someone would have to explain it to him. Donald’s idea of a secret plan is “Take Melania on my jet to Paris for a shopping trip. Make sure she stays overnight. I need to do some private auditions with the Ms. Universe contestants.”
***
So Donald Trump is going to take care of the terrorists for us. He’ll round them up into camps, torture them for information and kill their families for revenge. Isn’t that what the Nazis and the Japanese army did in WW II? Also the Communists in North Korea and North Vietnam. So how did that work out for them? Who won and who does history judge as the bad guys?
“I said I was going to make us winners and I know just how to do it. I’ll do every bad thing the losers did. That’s how America will become great again.”
***
Looks like we’re getting too serious again. Time for a rest. We can pick it up again next week.