One of the things that amazes many people about politics is the idea that a significant part of the population votes against their own interests. However, this proceeds from a fallacy that assumes all human decisions are always rational choices of utility, as if we live in an ideal economic model or a game theory thought experiment. While rationality can be predictive in the aggregate, there are bounds and limitations. Just think about it. Every day people put themselves deep in debt buying shit they don’t need, eat food that’ll cause a coronary by the time they’re 45, and drink poison every night to have a good time. Does any of it fit the dictionary definition of rational?
One area I always come back to when thinking about how people make decisions is love, since emotion has a way of overriding reason sometimes. And I write that last sentence from experience. There is a quote by Dr. Seuss which states: “You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams.” I once believed I had found this with someone. There was nothing I wouldn’t have done for her. If she had asked me for the Sun, the Moon and the stars, I would have tried to find a way to pull them out of the sky, just for her, because I loved her so much. She was the first person I could see building a life with and growing old together. When I woke up in the morning and when I fell asleep at night, we were there for each other. And, no matter what may have happened, as long as I could see her beautiful smile during the day, I knew happiness.
But eventually things changed and the relationship came apart. It was no one’s fault. There were no villains. But it still hurt, and in some ways still does. I felt like the light had gone out of my life. And moving on is easier said than done, with only time and distance healing the wound as well as it can. Those first few nights out with friends to have “fun” are interesting, because they feel so empty and strange in the absence of the person one thinks is supposed to be there. However, eventually people find someone new, and the process starts over with the hope it all works out better the next time around. Whether all of this is rational or not, I don’t know. But it is who we are.
I thought the ideas surrounding love, attraction, relationships and sex might be an interesting topic of discussion, since on a cultural level they intersect with so much of the political.
So I reached out to Emily Morse, a sex therapist, a former host of the Loveline radio show, and doctor of human sexuality whose Sex with Emily podcast is one of the most popular podcasts on iTunes. She can be found on social media @sexwithemily, and is also an author, media personality, and does workshops instructing people on how to get the most out of sex while providing advice on how to have a healthy relationship.
One of the things that struck me as significant about the questions you receive on the "Sex with Emily" podcast are how they're usually based around being uncomfortable with one's own body or the inability to communicate with a partner or partners. There was one woman whose question was about how she couldn't enjoy her orgasm because of female ejaculate, and the possible negative reaction from her boyfriend for spoiling his sheets. Are these sorts of factors usually at the root of most sexual and relationship problems you encounter?
Emily Morse: You hit on the central point of a lot of people’s issues: shame. They may be ashamed of their body—or bodily function in your example. They may be ashamed of their thoughts or fantasies, fearful that their partner will reject them if they reveal their desires openly. This shame often prevents people from sharing, which leads to a breakdown in communication and to unhealthy relationships. In reality, if you can break through the fear of sharing with your partner, revealing that vulnerability will lead to a closer, more meaningful connection, ultimately enhancing intimacy.
I know you do workshops where you teach some of the basics about sex and how to best find pleasure from it. In your experience, how much is the perception of female orgasms colored by societal judgments of what female sexuality is supposed to be? There are all sorts of cultural and political issues surrounding female self-image, being able to know and "own" one's body, and what one wants to feel. Do you think there's a larger force at play, with a sort of societal fear and apprehension towards the idea of women being able to experience sexual pleasure?
Morse: Achieving orgasm relies heavily on the woman be present—mentally, emotionally and physically—during sex or masturbation. Body insecurity, which can absolutely be brought on by perceived societal norms, can easily take a woman out of the mindset necessary to achieve orgasm.
Women often feel like they are being judged for knowing their own bodies, being in touch with their sexuality, or understanding pleasure. Society has always delivered mixed messages when it comes to women’s sexual self-confidence. On the one hand, everyone’s heard “lady in the streets, freak in the sheets,” or which Freud’s first coined as the madonna/whore complex but has taken on multiple meanings. Essentially it refers to the conflicting desires many men have for their partners. For example, if a woman is overly sexual, she can’t be seen as a respected partner. As a result, a lot of women fear being judged by their partner for being too aggressive or really enjoying sex, inhibiting their ability to outwardly express themselves as sexual beings.
This leaves many women without the confidence or even the desire to learn their bodies. My advice for women is to work toward owning that self-confidence and their sexuality.
Which topics are people usually the most curious about exploring? Oral sex? Anal sex? Sexual positions?
Morse: All of the above! The reality is no one ever stops learning about sex, nor should they! Your body is continually changing and your sex life should be expansive. What turns you on, what feels good, and what you need from a relationship are things that evolve over time. Being curious about acts, positions, or any other sexual topic is what leads to a more fulfilling sex life.
But yes, oral sex is always a popular topic!
Can a relationship endure if the sex is not the best in the world? In the abstract, most people are taught growing up that relationships are supposed to be about more than just sex, and intimacy can mean more than putting tab A in slot B. But if the sex is bad or not as good as one partner thinks it should be, for one reason or another, does that tend to override any of those other qualities which are part of a successful partnership?
Morse: Sex is never static in a relationship, it’s constantly changing just as we are as human beings. It’s not so much that the sex has to be the “best in the world,” but the communication around sex has to be honest, open and as frequent as possible.
Whether the sex is amazing or boring, relationships rely on communication to tie it all together. A couple who have everything but a fulfilling sexual relationship are probably not talking about it, which can lead to resentment. These resentments build over time and couples will often find themselves arguing about everything but sex, when the issue might actually be stemming from unresolved sexual issues. Therefore, the sex itself isn’t necessarily the problem. Couples who can communicate about sex, and more specifically what they desire from their partner, tend to have stronger, healthier relationships. I’m not saying it’s easy, but it IS something every couple make as a top priority.
What do you think about the state of sexual education in the United States? And do you think some of the issues you've seen would be different if we taught kids about their bodies in another way? I think my high school biology textbook probably had a better explanation for how mosses and ferns reproduce than the fundamentals of sexual activity in our own species.
Morse: We recently published an article on sexwithemily.com covering this very issue. In fact, I made a video explaining what I felt was missing from sex ed, and we asked our audience to tell us the same. The most common answer—and mine as well—is that we are not taught about the power of self-pleasure. If we are unable to experience our own bodies and learn about what feels good to us, how can we ever expect to have a successful sex life? It ties back into your questions about societal norms and shame—masturbation gets a bad rap, and it should be at the top of every sex educator’s list!
At what point do ideological differences start to become an issue with most couples? People all over this world are in love with someone else who probably have cultural differences, class differences, religious differences or even political differences. For most, are these sorts of things toward the bottom of the scale? Or are they really important factors in whether a relationship has a chance?
Morse: There is no clear-cut answer to this question, unfortunately. Often, a couple’s differences don’t lead to difficulty, but the influence from their family, friends or community can. Couples who think their differences may lead to concerns should be open and honest with each other early in the relationship. Communication can build a bond strong enough to withstand the pressures they may experience down the road. Relationships are hard enough without adding the weight of the current events, or religious or cultural expectations. However, if an effort is made to embrace these differences, love gets its opportunity to rule.
If worse comes to worst, what is the best way to get over a breakup? Many times when one partner or the other decides it's time to end things, they'll say: "I want to be friends." Usually, is it the mature and healthy thing to keep in contact? Or should both parties find some space and move on?
Morse: The best way to get over a breakup is a complete digital detox from their ex. This means block, unfollow, and terminate all forms of contact for six months. While “being friends” appears to be an easy way to soften the blow, it’s not the healthiest way to really move on from a relationship. It’s next to impossible to turn off the sex and turn on the friendship in one fell swoop. If you think about it, it doesn’t even make sense, especially if one partner still wants to be in a romantic relationship. It’s the distance from the relationship where we do our best healing. It’s the time where we can mourn the loss and turn inward so we can work on ourselves, learn what didn’t work in our past relationship and focus on what we require in our next relationship. This is the best way to prevent the endless cycle of dating the same type of people that are inherently wrong for us and find a partner who can be in a relationship that enhances our live and makes us a better person.