Donald Trump is not demented or mentally ill.
I shake my head as people speculate about what is wrong with him now; that he seems ‘divorced from reality’ or ‘why would he go after the sacrosanct’ or ‘every politician knows you don’t abuse a grieving gold star mother’.
Trump is not divorced from reality (psychotic). He knows who he is, where he is, when he is (Ox3, in clinical parlance). However, he has his own reality. We have our reality. Expecting him to live in ours is basically like scolding a fish that it should live on land.
This is what Narcissistic Personality Disorder looks like, if you are ‘fortunate’ enough to see it in all its glory.
I know this because DJT is exactly like my father, only with more money and the opportunity to ruin entire populations’ security, autonomy, and prosperity.
I used to be a clinical psychologist. I won’t bore you with the reasons why I am no longer one.
But I feel like I need to set the record straight a bit, about what it’s like to actually see — and live — behind the Wizard’s curtain. I have some hard won knowledge and maybe it can help other people understand what they are looking at. Maybe.
First, children of parents with NPD suffer in many ways. NPD is a self perpetuating disorder. Children can end up with a form very much like Dad’s (or Mom’s), or they can have a more covert type — kind of like Walter Mitty. But that comes after many years of suffering as a family scapegoat, or being treated as a trophy whose achievements reflect directly on the parents’ glory. In no way is the child anything but an extension of the parent. Healthy parents embrace steps towards emotional and functional independence. In an NPD family, these steps are actively punished. Perceived failings on the child’s part — and this can be as simple as moving keys on the counter that my father placed there in my case — result in outbursts of rage that are so intense it feels like an annihilation.
This is exactly what narcissists are after — to watch people that dare to be separate from them emotionally die. I see the word bully a lot in relation to Trump’s behavior. Yes, it is bullying, but it is more than that. For someone with NPD, there is to be absolutely no argument, in any way. S/he is always right. If you for one moment assert your independence or contradict them (in thought or action) they will seek to absolutely annihilate that viewpoint and you, especially if they think you make them look bad. They will constantly move the goalposts if you try and have an intellectual discussion and present logical facts to back up your view, or just flat out tell you you are stupid to believe such a thing. As a child this is devastating, so of course a child will apologize and retreat, and do everything they can so that their parent ‘loves’ them again. Spoiler alert: this isn’t real love, but kids don’t know that.
What this means is that someone with NPD creates their own world in which their family is afraid to exist (not an overstatement, it is that intense), people cower because they never know what is going to set off this person (a deliberate move on the NP’s part) and so they never want to be the messenger that gets shot, and people who don’t kiss ass get fired.
Then the bubble follows the narcissist to work. Do you think it’s an accident that DT is famous for ‘you’re fired?’ People like him love to fire people because fired people feel demoralized, and you’re fired of course because you didn’t act like a robot and do what s/he said. Or, really, it’s more like you failed to read his or her mind because ‘you should have known what I wanted.’
So when the Khans confronted this omnipotent worldview, a worldview in which one is the infallible hero of his or her own adventure story, such a person(s) must be absolutely annihilated. Ms. Khan was an extra special target because she shamed him without even talking. People have asked why he keeps going on and on about it; that’s because it hasn’t worked yet. They haven’t been eliminated from the playing deck. No dissenting opinions allowed. Anyone who disagrees is a ‘loser’, ‘idiot’, an embarrassment.’
The Khans are amazingly tough people and I admire them for dealing with this and the emerging toadies (in the children of NPD world we call them ‘flying monkeys’). If the usual tactics don’t work and the victim is holding firm, the person with NPD will sic flying monkeys in the form of other people who appear to have some moral authority to get the person to back down. This can be family or other people the victim respects. It is one of the most damaging aspects of NPD because, especially in the case of children, people ask you why you cut off your father or mother and that you are clearly misunderstanding what they mean, of course they love you, dear, how can you be so cruel to distance yourselves from your own MOTHER, you only have one FATHER, how can you...etc etc etc.
People with NPD are also experts at gaslighting. What people keep calling lies is straight out gaslighting, only on TV and on Twitter. The problem with gaslighting the general public in 2016 (when you’re recorded just about anywhere) is that someone can just play back what you said. But Trump is older and he is likely used to just telling people, “WTF, I never said that, are you crazy? I wouldn’t say that, I’m not that kind of person, you’re oversensitive, you’re making that up.” And that person would indeed start to doubt whether they were right, maybe I’m the crazy one?
So when you are listening to people wonder out loud what is wrong, keep the following parameters in mind:
- Narcissists limit the processing of information that contradicts their world view. They go out of the way to maintain their beliefs that they are omnipotent. Situations that provide objective information are avoided (“I don’t read”). In the process of avoiding information, the messenger is frequently shot.
- The narcissist is unconcerned with feelings of others and may actually be unaware that needs or feelings exist.
- People are means to an end and not an end in themselves. In the field it is frequently said that narcissists just see people as things with ‘potential food inside.’
- Narcissism is likely the result of failure on a caretaker’s part. It was an old theory that narcissists have low self esteem and compensate. That view is not as favored today. They have high self esteem.
- Hostility and entitlement are hallmarks of the disorder and this leads to interpersonal issues, including at work.
- While narcissists love to believe they are infallible, savvy individuals can play upon their substantial weaknesses as they are easily provoked. You can use them as a live grenade, so to speak.
I am sure you can think of many examples of what I am saying here during election season.
Past the election, though, if you are ever in a situation where you find out that someone is No Contact with their family...please don’t assume it isn’t for a good reason and unwittingly be that person’s flying monkey. That person’s dad could be just like Trump. And I wish we could find a way as a country to “go NC”.