Due to the unfortunate timing of a poorly publicized competition, jointly-sponsored by all the major networks, the very large fourth grade class taught by Mrs. Carmela Capodicazzo in New Jersey has been allowed to take over the positions of those networks’ on-screen ‘talent’ for the remainder of the week. (The class submitted the winning essay on the topic, “Why We Like The News”)
While they’ve been doing their best, the children have appeared baffled by the copy they have to read from their teleprompters. Little Jeannie Strunz paused, her face contorted quizzically, before she read this line: “The AP reports that Secretary Clinton had met with a number of foreign dignitaries who’ve also contributed to her family’s foundation.”
Off-screen, one of her classmates was barely heard, asking, “What’s wrong with that? It was her job, wasn’t it?” That child was promptly quieted by a member of the crew.
On another network, young Billy Clampf read this line: “Many have criticized President Obama for not immediately rushing to Louisiana to show leadership.” Unfamiliar with the “s-t-r-e-t-c-h” hand signal from the director, Billy turned to his desk partner, Lorraine, while the program was still live and earnestly asked, “I don’t understand… my mommy said the gubbner asked him not to come right away.” [cut to insurance commercial]
While guests and candidate surrogates were ruled out, supposedly to avoid confusing the child hosts, a confidential network source admitted that — in particular — Trump surrogates feared a confrontation with the children who “might ask tough questions” and “don’t understand how this game is played.”
In a hastily-arranged teleconference, network executives quickly agreed that next year’s essay contest should be canceled.
As they filed out of their respective studios, children were heard asking their chaperones, “How come there was nothing about that crazy guy with the funny hair who keeps screaming?”