From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Things I Learned from Republicans in September
Open your hinged skull hatch and prepare to receive this month's load:
Christians are like the passengers on Flight 93 trying to stop the 9/11 hijackers. (Gary Bauer)
The federal government caused the recent floods in Louisiana with a secret "weather weapon" as part of an ongoing effort to control the nation's food supply. (Radio host Steve Quayle)
Making jokes at the expense of the mentally impaired is hilarious. (Texas Rep. Louie Gohmert)
Liberals started the civil war to protect slavery. (Arizona Rep. Trent Franks)
Racism didn’t exist until Barack Obama became president. (Former Ohio Trump campaign chair for Mahoning County Kathy Miller)
If Hillary Clinton wins, the United States of America will formally surrender to ISIS within one year (Texas Rep. Pete Olson)
Not paying taxes makes you smart. (Donald Trump)
Witches and demonic forces are advising the senior leadership of the federal government. (Family Research Council senior fellow Robert Maginnis)
If you don’t stand for the national anthem, you should be lined up against the wall and shot by the U.S. military. (Alabama Pastor Allen Joyner)
There aren’t enough women dying during childbirth these days. (Trump 'pro-life adviser' Marjorie Dannenfelser)
49ers quarterback Colin Kaepernick is an ISIS sympathizer. (Iowa Rep. Steve King)
And the most amazing thing I learned from a Republican this month:
President Obama played a big part in the success of the attacks of September 11, 2001, because he was hardly ever in the oval office and was on vacation too much, and we should get to the bottom of that. (Ohio Trump voter via The Daily Show)
Please update your brain lobes accordingly.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Thursday, September 29, 2016
Note: A quick heads-up that with cottage-closing weekend season upon us there will be no C&J for the next two Mondays. We’ll return on the next two Tuesdays, and for the inconvenience we'll give you an extra two columns at the end of our run in 2023. ---Mgt.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the movie Loving (which currently has a 93% "fresh" rating at Rotten Tomatoes) opens: 35
Days 'til Atlanta Pride: 9
Years since consumer confidence was as high as it was in September, according to the Conference Board: 9
Size of the national teacher shortage in 2015, according to The Portland Press Herald: 60,000
Percent of Mainers surveyed who do and do not support Question 1, which would legalize marijuana use statewide: 53%, 38%
Number of times Hillary Clinton was interrupted by Donald Trump during the debate: 51
Estimated number of viewers of the debate, not including online viewers: 80.6 million
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Your Thursday Molly Ivins Moment:
Oh dear. I'm sure he didn't mean it.
In Illinois' 6th Congressional District, long represented by Henry Hyde, Republican candidate Peter Roskam accused his Democratic opponent Tammy Duckworth of planning to "cut and run" on Iraq.
Duckworth is a former Army major and chopper pilot, who lost both legs in Iraq after her helicopter got hit by an RPG. "I just could not believe he would say that to me," said Duckworth, who walks on artificial legs and uses a cane. Every election cycle produces some wincers, but how do you apologize for that one?
---September, 2006
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Dogs who still think they're puppies…..
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CHEERS to splintered auction paddles. Wow---just over $10,000 was raised in the 2016 Netroots Nation Annual Online Auction, which came to a loud, brutish and frenzied conclusion last night. That’s nearly triple what was made last year. Thanks to everyone who checked out the goods and tossed in a bid or two. The money will go towards funding the 2017 convention (Atlanta in August) and its regional events. I'm also pleased to announce that this year only five people were sent to the hospital with auction-paddle welts during the bidding war over the clues to Adam B's annual NN pub quiz. Good to see we're becoming more civilized in our old age.
JEERS to a party of dunces. I knew Donald Trump was surrounded by a bunch of incompetent nutballs, but reading the details leaves me feeling like I need to take a long shower to get the ick off. Exhibit A: Trump's debate prep. The New York Times reports that genius debate framer Roger Ailes was too distracted by the platters of cheeseburgers and his own massive sex-abuse scandal to be of much use, so they brought in some retired generals straight out of Dr. Strangelove. They got bored and frustrated with Trump's inability to focus for more than two seconds, so even they punted:
Rudolph W. Giuliani, the former New York City mayor and a friend of Mr. Trump’s who has been traveling with him extensively, took over much of the preparation efforts by the end. But with Mr. Trump receiving so much conflicting advice in those sessions, he absorbed little of it.
The team had primed Mr. Trump to look for roughly a dozen key phrases and expressions Mrs. Clinton uses when she is uncertain or uncomfortable, but he did not seem to pay attention during the practice sessions, one aide said, and failed to home in on her vulnerabilities during the debate.
However, debate #1 was a learning experience, and his advisers now say they know exactly what they need to prep him for #2 in a way that'll make him pay attention for hours at a time: a mirror.
JEERS to your government not hard at work. Boy howdy, Congress really earned its paycheck yesterday---assuming its paycheck is zero dollars---as legislators fired up all their collective brain cells and, with all the strength and resolve they could muster, passed a measure that will keep the United States funded...for a whopping 60 days. They would've tried for 61 but they were afraid Louie Gohmert's head would start smoking and fill the chamber with the smell of burnt cabbage again. They hate it when that happens.
JEERS to Black Monday. Let's not forget how scary things got eight years ago. From the C&J time machine, this was our reaction to the Great Bush Wall Street Crash of 2008:
HOLY SHIT! to September 29, 2008. I always thought when something stopped at "777" it meant we won something.
Yesterday it meant America lost 777 points on Wall Street and $1.1 trillion in market value in seven hours. So what to do? For me, it's baby steps. Really, really easy stuff I can do without thinking: 1) Feed cat. 2) Put on socks. 3) Remove cat food from feet. 4) Remove sock from cat's head. Okay, so maybe I'll just sit quietly and grind my teeth for awhile.
I remember feeling actual terror that day and several days after. Al Qaeda had nothing to do with it. This time it was Goldman Sachs, AIG, Moody's, Standard & Poor’s etc., their toxic assets of mass destruction, and a government that deliberately looked the other way. I continue to fear them a thousand times more than I ever feared the cave dwellers, because George W. Bush was right about one thing: oceans can't protect us---from our own greedy-ass selves.
CHEERS to a friendly disagreement. All the clickbait-oriented headlines are focusing on how President Obama "suffered" his first veto override yesterday over the issue of sovereign immunity, but it doesn’t seem like anyone's gonna be either crying in their corn flakes or doing high-fives over it. I'm even of two minds about it: I think it opens up a Pandora's box to lawsuits against the U.S., but I'm also glad that the 9/11 families are now free to shine a spotlight on the sleazy, two-faced Saudi government and their alleged role in the 9/11 attacks. It'll be interesting to see how it all shakes out. In the meantime, go vote in the C&J poll and tell us the right answer. We're all depending on you.
CHEERS to one of the great troublemakers. Lech Walesa, electrician, founder of the anti-Communist Solidarity Union, President of Poland, and Nobel Peace Prize winner turns 73 today.
My memory of his most rebellious time---the late 70s and early 80s---is kinda grainy, but I do remember how I felt back then, living in Germany as I was and occasionally visiting East Berlin as part of a school or family trip, and feeling the oppressiveness of the Soviet influence over everything. So when I saw what Walesa was doing, I felt like, Wow, that is one gutsy electrician. Despite his anti-abortion, anti-gay (read: staunch Catholic) views, whenever I hear his name, that's still what I think---one gutsy electrician. In his honor, today: no light bulb-changing jokes.
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Ten years ago in C&J: September 29, 2006
JEERS to the hole in Grandma's bank account. It's gonna take a hit now that the Medicare "Doughnut hole" is kickin' in:
Millions of older Americans are confronting a temporary break in their Medicare drug coverage this month that will require them to pay the full cost of their prescriptions or face the painful prospect of going without. ...
"Virtually everyone who calls to say they've been denied coverage, they're shocked," said Robert M. Hayes, president of the Medicare Rights Center, a nonprofit that helps seniors navigate Medicare. "Trying to explain that this is the way the program was created by Congress angers folks who think it makes no sense. Many people feel blindsided."
There's a remedy for that, y'know: Democraticol. Available without a prescription at your local voting booth in 42 days. [9/29/16 Update: the doughnut hole was closed by Democrats as part of Obamacare. So remember that in November, Grandma and Grandpa, and vote for Team D. Assuming you can outrun the death panels, of course.]
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And just one more...
CHEERS to "jazz hands!" in space. Frankly, I'm amazed no one thought of this before, but better late than never. The group Planting Peace---whose headquarters are right across the street from the Westboro Baptist church freaks---sent the first LGBT pride flag into space a few weeks back. The footage was uploaded yesterday. Three…two…one…ignition…
That's one small step for the LGBT community, and one giant pain in the ass for the haters.
Have a nice Thursday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
“Now, my overpaid friends in Cheers and Jeers, well, they have their chauffeured limousines, they like their fine steakhouses and expensive kiddie pool lifestyles.”
---Sean Hannity
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