Drawing on secret business knowledge available only to a select cadre of actors who play business people on TV, President Trump explained to reporter Sean Hannity yesterday that an increase in stock market capitalization reduces the national debt. That’s because all stock owners are unconditionally willing to take one for the team and pay off the country’s debt, should the need arise.
“Only the very best people own billions in stock,” Trump said. “The very best. And they’ll take care of us. Believe me. I’ll even pitch in by donating my Renoir. We love the debtors.”
Vice President Pence quickly rushed over to the lectern to explain that this phenomenon only applies from November 2016 forward. “Before the election, the so-called increases in the stock market were just a debt-fueled bubble. Since then, the gains have become meaningful, just like the unemployment rate, and so the stock market value can be counted as an offset to the national debt.”
Unfortunately, as the assembled members of the press corps began to call out their questions about this innovative math, the secret service detected a woman with her skirt above the knee in direct line of sight of the vice president, and they were forced to evacuate Mr. Pence for his own protection. The woman in question, who scandalously turned out to be single and unescorted, was held at an undisclosed location pending her signature on a vow of repentance and chastity.
After the Hannity interview, surrogates for the White House took to the talk shows. On Meet the Press, KellyAnne Conway explained that the alleged reductions in the deficit under Clinton were imaginary. “It’s totally hypocritical for Bill Clinton, or any Democrat, to claim credit for deficit reductions,” she explained, “because blowjobs.”
Economic heavyweight Corey Lewandowski added his gravitas on Face the Nation. “We’re already seeing an uptick in economic activity from golf cart rentals to national security personnel. Next quarter we’re expecting an increase in the vibrant sector of protecting the rights of Nazis from thugs trying to stomp all over their free speech. Looking ahead to next year, the business of providing personal flags for important white people to raise at every building they visit is absolutely going to explode. The resulting surge in economic activity is going to wipe out the debt.”
When contacted for comment about the president’s assertions about the debt, Senator Bob Corker was sanguine. “Listen,” he said, “we didn’t have nuclear war today, right? In my book, that’s a win.”
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Ok, what that guy actually said is linked here, I’m not going to paste in the gobbledegook: www.nytimes.com/…
Stock market value graph from seeking Alpha: seekingalpha.com/…
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James R. Wells is the author of The Great Symmetry, a science fiction adventure celebrating the freedom of ideas. The story is set 300 years in the future, but that future world appears to be arriving about 299 years sooner than expected.