I have a question: is there a place for me on Daily Kos or in the progressive movement? What should be done with me?
I’m asking because I am guilty of the following actions:
- Throughout my teens/twenties and into my thirties I have made countless crude and misogynistic jokes. These jokes included rape jokes, battered women jokes and abortion jokes.
- In college I exposed my penis to one woman twice without her expressing a desire or interest in seeing it.
- I have been told by several people that I punched a woman in the face when she attempted to take my car keys away from me. I have no memory of this incident but I believe them.
- When I was either 18/19 I brought a woman to my house in hopes of having sex with her. As I made my intent clear, she got more and more nervous and flustered. Rather than back down or leave her alone I grabbed her breasts.
- On February 1st, 2001, my wife and I got into a wrestling match over a knife. I am certain that either she was trying to take the knife away from me to keep me from killing myself or that I was attempting to kill her with that knife.
- I’ve watched my share of pornography which demeaned women, presented them as an object for the use of men. And to be blunt, I still watch pornography today.
There are also a few non-gendered, non-sexual things I’ve done wrong:
- I am a thief. I have stolen from my parents, my wife, multiple employers, stores, etc.
- Between 1985 and February 1st, 2001 I have driven drunk somewhere between 5,000 and 10,000 times. During that time I totaled three cars, was involved in numerous fender benders and so forth. The estimates for the number of times driving are based on 365 x 16 = 5,840. However, there were some nights I drove nowhere and other nights I drove to multiple places.
My name is Andy Ternay and I admit that all of the above is true. I acknowledge that every item above involves me doing wrong. Based on the above should I be allowed to stay here? Should I be allowed to run for office? How about hold a supervisory position in a business over women? Should I have visitation rights with my daughter?
Now, keep in mind that all of the above is absolutely true. What is below is also absolutely true:
- I worked for a women’s shelter called Women In Crisis for three years in the 1990’s. During that time I helped approximately 200 women file restraining orders against their abusers. I accompanied somewhere around 60 or 80 to court. I was not an attorney, I was an advocate so I could not speak for them. I often escorted them to their car in case their abuser was waiting in the parking lot. In one case we left her car there and I drove her to her home and she sent a cousin to retrieve the car.
- At that same women’s shelter I was a relief counselor. That means they gave me a key and alarm code. I was left unsupervised with up to 10 women and families. Aside from the maintenance man I was the only male with a key to the shelter at that time.
- The woman I exposed myself to is still a friend. I have apologized to her and I expressed that I hoped she never was afraid of me and she told me that I was not threatening.
- The woman I punched is still friends with me. She has told me that I was drunk and she forgives me.
- I have stayed the hell out of the life of the woman whose breasts I grabbed. My amends to her is to leave her alone and to never, ever touch a woman without consent, ever. I also have to speak up no matter how uncomfortable or uncertain I feel when I feel a woman is being badgered or harassed.
- Some sixteen years later my ex-wife won’t tell me whether or not I was trying to kill her or myself. However, my sobriety date is the day after that, February 2, 2001. My ex-wife is one of my very best friends. I did her tax returns through 2016. I filled out her paperwork for our divorce. When I gave them to her to proofread she said: “I trust you.” As far as I know, she never even looked at what I put there. My ex-wife tells me I am a good father and she is glad to co-parent with me.
- Yep, I still watch porn. I avoid anything that implies non-consensual situations but that’s about it. I like naked women doing sexy things. I always have and I suspect that I always will.
- As part of my amends for wrongs done while drinking I have paid back everything I can to everyone I stole from. I’m quite sure I missed a few. But my wife, parents, former employers and more have been made whole financially.
- I don’t know if there are any amends to make for the drunk driving. I do not let intoxicated people drive if I am around.
- On Daily Kos I fundraised for Pretty Bird Woman House in 2007 and 2008. I was a part of an effort that raised $80,000 so the Women’s Shelter on Pine Ridge Reservation could buy a new house. Don’t believe me? Go into my diary history. It’s all there.
Do I belong here? Should I be banned?
The point of all of the above is pretty simple. All of us have done wrong things in our lives, whether it is racism, misogyny, simple crime or worse. How do we handle this?
Because I’ll tell you a secret: while we throw Al Franken out of office, Republicans are going to elect people like Roy Moore. In fact, they are praying this is what we will do so that we disarm ourselves.
We, myself included, want things to be simple and binary: Moore molested a 14 year old. He needs to retire from public life. Al Franken grabbed a woman’s breasts. He needs to step down.
But they are not that simple.
How I attempt to view and judge these types of things
And I’m not suggesting I am some kind of moral authority at all. I’m just saying this is what I attempt to do to sort through the moral ambiguities of these situations.
The most important things to me are:
Has the perpetrator stopped the wrongdoing?
Did they stop the wrongdoing on their own or out of fear of consequences?
Do they express remorse?
Do they acknowledge wrongdoing?
Are they willing to make amends?
Have they made amends?
You will notice what is not on my list: an apology. Apologies are bullshit. As a drunk I said “sorry” a million times and what I meant when I said it was “will you get off my back already so I can drink again?” With the advent of the nonpology “sorry if you were so stupid you were offended by my blatant hateful comment” apologies have even less weight.
Actions have weight, value and merit. So here is how I see things:
Harvey Weinstein
Stopped wrongdoing |
NO |
Did he stop on his own? |
No |
Remorse?
|
No |
Acknowledge wrongdoing |
No |
Willing to make amends |
No
|
Made Amends? |
No |
Roy Moore
Stopped wrongdoing |
Not clear |
Did he stop on his own? |
No |
Remorse?
|
No |
Acknowledge wrongdoing |
No |
Willing to make amends |
No
|
Made Amends? |
No |
Al Franken
Stopped wrongdoing |
Not Clear |
Did he stop on his own? |
No |
Remorse?
|
Yes |
Acknowledge wrongdoing |
Yes |
Willing to make amends |
Apparently
|
Made Amends? |
Not yet |
George HW Bush
Stopped wrongdoing |
not Clear |
Did he stop on his own? |
No |
Remorse?
|
Kinda |
Acknowledge wrongdoing |
Kinda |
Willing to make amends |
Unknown
|
Made Amends? |
No |
It is my belief that those guilty of wrongdoing should have a path towards redemption. I suggest that such a path be predicated on the items above rather than than time served, severe enough punishment and so on. This does not mean I am opposed to incarceration or consequences. It means that in evaluating whether or not the perpetrator has earned a place back in society, especially places of trust and responsibility the above are, in my view, the most important criteria.
The person I hold highest in my regard is Oskar Schindler who was every bit a con-artist, misogynist, drunk, womanizer, cheater, slave labor profiteer you can imagine who somehow, someway, saved 2,000 lives. It’s hard to imagine a less perfect man — willing to take sex from Jewish women in return for saving their parents and willing to send attractive Aufseherinnen (female SS members) to seduce commandants in Auschwitz to save the women under his care. Everything he did was criminal, wrong, manipulative and yet he did the right thing. I keep thinking that if someone as fucked up as him could be redeemed, maybe, maybe, there is some place, some grace, for an asshole like me.
EDIT FROM DIESIRAE IN COMMENTS:
Wow. This is quite something. Really powerful writing in a number of different ways.
I do think there’s another factor in addition to the ones you have identified, namely the seriousness and persistence of the wrongdoing. Crude jokes, while wrong, are much less bad than, say, indecent exposure, which in turn is much less bad than sexual assault or rape. For example, I’d judge someone who’s unapologetic about crude jokes much less harshly than a child molester, no matter how contrite.
Final Notes:
More important than any of the above is that we start in preschool and earlier with the following:
- Children (specifically girls) are made aware that they have an absolute right to say NO to anyone touching them without consent.
- Children (specifically boys) are made aware that touching somebody without their consent is not allowed and that there are consequences.
Obviously there is a ton more that needs doing but I think that should be the starting place.
Now have at me.