Let’s start with why this is important. I’m often accused by people on the left of the political spectrum of being “nice” to “them.” By “them” they mean people on the right of the political spectrum.
I’ve been told that you have to mock “them.” Yet I don’t see this “mocking” of “them” doing much but creating enemies. It does little but solidify any polarization that might already exist. Especially in personal conversations (sometimes it’s different in media situations).
In my experience, people are more likely to listen to you if they like you. The tactics of the opposition tend to back this up: They work to demonize us and create division.
You’re more likely to find people willing to listen to your cause (whatever that is) if they like you.
I think the mistake many make is thinking that you have to agree with someone in order for them to like you. The biggest step in my experience is that you have to like them first. This doesn’t mean agreeing with them. It means accepting them as human and talking to them like you’d talk to a friend.
An easy way I’ve found to do this uses metaphorical relationships. This sounds complex but it’s actually easy.
A couple of rules of thumb. To win someone over, you have to:
- Like the person.
- Be genuine (to yourself and to the other person).
The conflict between these rules is often at the core of issues you'll have trying to win someone over.
In all likelihood, you're thinking of someone very specific right now and wondering how you're going to like that person and be sincere about it at the same time. Don't worry. We'll get there. Keep this person in mind.
When you think about people, you tend to use metaphors. You characterize different people in your life by different roles or by what they mean to you.
A person who is a boss may also be a friend who also could be a confidant. Your wife may also be your lover who also could be an inspiration. Obviously, not all of these metaphors will be as positive. Your boss could be a roadblock, or a hindrance, or a royal pain in the ass.
Consider metaphorical relationships
Start with a relationship that you value. One that you find rewarding and that you enjoy and see if you can identify the primary metaphoric relationship.
It may help to fill in the phrase: “You are my ____________.”
Some examples could be:
- Mentor
- Lover
- Accomplice
- Inspiration
- Co-conspirator
- Teacher
- Best friend
- Inspiration
- Confidante
I remember reading an article once about a boy who was saved from a shark by an uncle who dove into the water and wrestled the shark. Thinking about my family, I wondered which of my uncles would be most likely to wrestle a shark to save someone.
Far and away, one uncle stood out. I have an uncle who describes himself as “an old Florida redneck.” He values family more than anything and he wouldn't hesitate for a second to punch a shark if someone's life was in danger. Uncle Steve is my “shark wrestler.”
Heroes and villains
Now think of someone who you struggle with. Someone who you don't have such a positive relationship with. Someone who you find to be a difficult person.
Does this person think he or she is difficult? Does anyone wake up in the morning and say to themselves, “I'm going to really f*ck up the world today?”
Now the person may be a Mr. Burns-type character from The Simpsons who actually does have these thoughts. But more than likely this isn't the case.
More than likely this person believes that he or she is doing the right thing.
We tend to self-characterize from our point of pride. This means that everyone has something that they believe they're good at and this is how they tend to see themselves.
Think back to the valuable relationship you were thinking of earlier. How would you self-characterize yourself to this person?
I am your ______________.
Do you think anyone ever self-characterizes themselves as a villain?
When talent and point of pride intersect
Have you ever played the “super powers” game? That is, have you ever asked someone, if you could have one super power, what would it be?
Inherent in this game is a belief that everyone has at least one superpower. Similarly, I believe everyone has at least one talent.
When dealing with someone who, for whatever reason, I don't immediately like, I set aside my impression and I try to find this person's super power. What is this person good at?
If you pay attention, odds are good that this person will actually tell you this information, sometimes literally by saying, “I'm good at ____________.” or “I like to do ________________.”
What may look to you like nit-picking to them might be attention to detail. You might think of a person as a naysayer while this person may think of themselves as protecting you from bad decisions or potential problem spotter.
Often what someone is good at relates to how they self-characterize themselves. For example, I've worked with a lot of very talented graphic designers.
One, in particular, I struggled with. I thought something looked great but this designer was never happy. I wanted to move on and this person wanted to keep working. This person was very detail-oriented and exacting when it came to something that he designed. He wanted it to have impact and he wanted the audience to immediately grasp the impact.
My goal was often quite different. I was often in a hurry and ready to get something out by deadline.
Initially, we didn't hit it off because I saw his perfectionism holding back the project and tried to convey my needs.
The result was that he didn't like working with me and would put me off, making me even angrier.
I was fortunate though. A mutual friend helped me understand this person's super power as a graphic artist. He loved communicating through visuals and wanted every graphic he made to say something. If it didn't, he would work on it until it did.
So how did things change?
I started thinking of this person differently. I started thinking about this person as having this unique talent of communicating through visuals.
And when I saw a visual he made that expressed something perfectly, I told him. I didn't lie for the sake of trying to get him to like me. I just said something honest. Our relationship didn't change immediately, but eventually it changed. By recognizing what he was trying to do and his unique talent, I found I was able to give him feedback that we needed something in a hurry without making it about me and my needs.
I was able to recognize his talent and point of pride and because I recognized it and gave him credit, he was much more willing to work with me.
I never lied to him or tried to falsely flatter him. I just understood him in a way I didn't before and was able to turn him into a hero, in my mind, instead of the villain he'd been before.
How does this relate to political discussions?
Remember the goal: Energize the base, win the independents, get those who want to fight against you to see you as a friend.
In short, win the person.
You're not a media pundit like Bill Maher or Bill O'Reilly. You're not trying to generate controversy to increase ratings. Most often, you won't be playing to an audience.
If you want to win someone over, your chances increase dramatically if you can develop an honest relationship with this person. Finding a positive metaphor helps.
Let’s take my redneck uncle.
I could see him as a redneck who I’d never be able to agree with on anything politically. Or I could see him as the guy who would be the first person in the water to save someone from a shark.
In reality, I’ve seen him both ways. I used to not like him because I saw him as the former. Now I see him as the latter.
The only thing that changed was in my head.
I told him once over dinner the story about the shark and how we voted for him as our uncle who would jump in the water to fight the shark.
You should have seen his face light up. When you find someone’s talent and recognize them for it, you’ll see this. He sees fighting for his family as his superpower.
Now we can have honest political conversations. I’ve had honest conversations with him about Trump, for example. He agrees that he’s a con man.
I could never have had these conversations with him if I hadn’t of started seeing him differently.
Am I saying you’re going to win everyone?
No.
But people may not fight against you as hard if they like you. Or you may plant a seed that turns into something down the road. Or you may be able to have different political conversations than you did before.
These are all wins.
And all you have to do is find something you like about someone instead of seeing the person as “them.”
Coda
1. Think of someone close to you. What is your metaphoric relationship with this person? That is, how would you fill in the phrase: You are my _________.
2. Pick someone you know and find challenging. How do you think this person characterizes herself or himself? What is this person's “super power”?
3. Consider again the person you identified as challenging. How might you establish a relationship? How might you view this person's “super power” as valuable? Does this open up new areas for conversation?
In my experience, many conservatives are often professionals in fields where individual success makes the difference. For example, they’re lawyers, or doctors, or architects, or engineers. In this case, their superpower might relate to their profession. I have a lawyer friend who identifies as conservative who I ask questions about all the time. By identifying his superpower, I’ve gradually learned to have better political conversations with him and found out he’s not nearly as conservative as I once thought he was.
With working class folks, their superpower might also relate to their job. Or their experience in the armed services. Or something to do with their religion. Or their family. Or even something I don’t personally agree with like gun ownership. I have another friend who is my “gun expert.” I don’t lie to this friend about my feelings on guns. I will, however, ask this friend questions if I have them.
Once you like someone, it’s much easier to have political conversations with them, even if they don’t like you. If you do this right, though, it’s very hard for someone to hate you if you like them.
Once you like someone, it’s much easier to ask them questions like:
Do you think it’s more likely that Donald Trump is …
1. Saving the world from an evil leftist socialist conspiracy? Or …
2. Voting himself more money and power?
Many people I’ve talked to used to see themselves as the heroes in #1. More and more, however, I’m finding that Trump makes it really hard for them to do this.
This is an opportunity. Especially if you like people.
David Akadjian is the author of The Little Book of Revolution: A Distributive Strategy for Democracy (ebook now available).