The #metoo movement has talked a lot about how people give sexual abusers every excuse in the book. Since the #metoo movement began, we have discussed how sexual abuse is covered up by those in power. We have spoken about the abuse of power so many of these cases involve.
But the deep shame so many of us have felt as a result of the assaults we suffered has lead many of us to make up excuses and rationalizations for our own abusers. It’s as if we believe that if we can find excuses for the abusers, then we can rewrite the script for those times we were assaulted, and make it so that it never happened in the first place. But it did happen. And just as with the abusers themselves, we can never escape the horror of those events.
Here are some of the excuses I gave my rapist:
”Well, he just thought I was so beautiful that he couldn’t help himself.”
“Well, you know, it was nothing more than some rough sex, and I do like my partner to be aggressive.”
“He was in love with me and just went too far.”
“Well, it wasn’t really a rape, because I didn’t fight back.”
Does this all sound familiar? For me, anyway, I internalized the social discourse surrounding sexual assault. I wonder how many survivors gave excuses to their abusers?
For those who did, I hope you can share those excuses you gave your abuser in the comments. Am I all alone in this?