Where do we go from here?
The corrosiveness of rampant sexual harassment moves through all aspects of a society. We can all agree that the situation as it has existed in the past is not acceptable and we, as a society, need to do better. But how do we do this? How do we address both the perpetrators and the victims with equity? I don’t have an answer, or at least certainly not an easy one. If the world was filled with easy answers then the right-wingers would be right. It’s not and they aren’t.
I work in a community that has the reputation for being liberal to the point of parody. I also work in K-12 education so I am in one of the few fields where there isn’t male domination at all levels. I have been through more meetings about sexual harassment and abuse in my 23 years than I can remember and I often come away with, “Who doesn’t get this?” But there are enough horrific things happening in schools, both now and in the past, I understand why constant training is needed.
Now I am not claiming that I am a victim. I’m a middle-aged, balding fat man. I know full well the privilege that goes along with that. The result of all those trainings has been to instill in me the imperative “Avoid the very appearance of impropriety.” I am never alone with a student. I never, EVER, make physical contact with a student under any circumstances. I do not share details of my personal life with students, nor do I ask about their personal lives. If I sound a little like Mike Pence it’s because it’s true. For a male in a high school any public accusation of any impropriety, especially in this community, is the end of the line. Career over. It does not matter if you are eventually exonerated, that stink doesn’t wash off, as an old principal of mine once said.
I am extreme in this, but I am protecting myself and I will not apologize for it. But I see how this climate affects my coworkers and my students. Over the past years, as the school has taken a stronger stand on harassment, I have heard students and coworkers wondering what the lines are. There’s no question that sexual assault is wrong. There’s no question that sexually suggestive comments are wrong. But what about the subject of our last two trainings; micro-aggressions? I heard colleagues, who I have known for years and whom I respect as educators telling the group that extended eye contact during a conversation is no different than sexual assault. I’ve been told, to my face, that my refusal to touch a crying student is invalidating their emotional pain and that I am re-traumatizing them again. I was in a small group where two people dominated the conversation with discussions of what constitutes a “thought aggression” and how can we punish the perpetrators. These are extremes but they have happened. Does this mean I can dismiss someone else’s feeling because I think they are trivial? No. But how do I know where the lines are? Do I work at avoiding all human contact for fear of unknowingly harassing or traumatizing someone (pretty hard in my line of work)?
I see this in the social activities of many of my students. I have male students who never have social contact with females because they are so afraid of being accused of harassment. One of my students was reprimanded for asking a girl out a second time after she said no the first time. He now will not talk to girls at all and refuses to intact with them in class. That’s not healthy but I can also understand his fear.
There are no absolutes when dealing with humans and with life. The need for absolutes is one of the things that fuel right-wing radio and all manner of hateful web sites. I don’t know where we go from here, but we as a society need to keep talking about it. Refusing to see any gradations in human behavior is not going to get us to move forward.