Recently I read this great satirical piece from Alexandra Petri of the Washington Post. In the piece, she says that
We have probably made Sean Spicer cry, and that is not what anyone set out to do.
There is a much simpler explanation for the list of Secret Media Terrorism Coverups and the Bowling Green Massacre and the “alternative facts” than this idea that somehow, the Trump administration is making up facts or misleading the American people. Nonsense. They are doing the best they can with the facts they have. They simply have come here from an alternative universe.
The idea of this Trumpian “alternate universe” got me thinking — perhaps there’s even more to it than facts. Perhaps the heroes and villains in their movies and books were different than the ones that you and I have read. This could explain why their solutions to the Bowling Green massacre seemed so right and the record-breaking throngs of people at Trumps alt-universe inauguration. Their heroes are different.
Here’s a list of what I think the Top 10 movies are in this Trump alt-universe, all of whom won Academy Awards.
10. Veruca and the Chocolate Factory: Veruca Salt throws Charlie, his grandfather, and “sad” Willy Wonka down the trash chute and takes over operation of the Chocolate factory. In an effort to cut costs, Veruca and her dad fire all the Oompa-Loompas, liquidate the factory, and start a line of clothing that they attempt to successfully convince Nordstrom’s to carry. It turns out to be a smash hit, making the Salt family rich enough to buy a post at the Department of Education.
9. Lording Over the Rings: A large-handed hero successfully cons the “weak” Elves, Dwarves and Men to buy a bunch of useless rings, with one great, powerful leader to rule them all. Huge crowds greet Sauraman — the biggest ever recorded — as he makes Middle Earth great again.
8: It’s A Wonderful Life: Sad George Bailey throws himself off a bridge, while a guardian angel, Clarence, tells him how wonderful the world will be when Mr. Potter fleeces all the townspeople (by repealing Dodd-Frank) and fires him. Lionel Berrymore wins a unanimous Best Oscar for his “strong” performance playing the large-handed bank president.
7. The China Syndrome: Through the power of his great negotiating skills, academy-award winning Henry Fonda plays a large-handed President that projects his strength by completely retreating from trade from Asia, putting up trade barriers, and “winning” by capitulating to China on everything, from the One China policy to labor protections.
6. From Russia With Love: Academy Award-winner Vladimir Putin and Academy Award-winner Donald Trump meet while herding sheep in the lower Caucasus mountains. They are at first strangers, but quickly become friends when Vladimir compliments Donald about his strong leadership skills and excellent, completely normal hands.
5. The Great Wall: Academy Award-winner Matt Damon creates a massive, incredible wall that keeps all brown-skinned people out of the country, and fleeces his own people into paying for it. In an inspired performance, Damon convinces his peasants that their destitute condition thanks the the wall destroying trade and isolating them from the larger world is actually an improvement on their current situation. Inspired, the peasants elect Damon mayor.
4. Battleship Potemkin: On the Battleship Potemkin, the soldiers were fed Trump Steaks by Academy Award-winner Donald Trump and are convinced that is is the best steak ever in the history of mankind. As a result, the soldiers stage a successful naval assault on Sydney and claim the great Opera House for America, making that once-terrible country Great Again.
3. All The President’s Men: Clint Eastwood won an Oscar for this performance of kicking out every brown-skinned person and female cabinet member from all levels of government. Eastwood’s character, “Trumpy”, suggests that they form their own fraternity in the White House to relive their glory days by bringing together a variety of misfit college students, losers, middle-aged and elderly retirees as their new cabinet members in order to try to avoid being evicted by the Ninth Circuit.
2. Lawrence of Arabia: Hilarity ensues when the fictional President Frump exiles the one person in his kingdom that knows anything about economics, Lawrence Summers, to Riadyh, Saudi Arabia, to rebuild their economy. Watch how Summers bumbles through the desert, “accidentally” convincing Saudi Arabia, Iran and Iraq to bond together on oil prices again, tripling the price of oil while President Frump spends millions making America great by building a monument to himself!
1. The Fountainhead: Individualistic and idealistic architect Howard Roark is expelled from college because his designs fail to fit with existing architectural thinking. Academy Award-winner Gary Cooper shows that even a college goof-off can become president of the United States and punish the poor and the sick and the less fortunate.