From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Dinner is Served Edition
“It’s not just the president who decided not to show up---his entire administration is not here. Betsy DeVos couldn’t be here because she’s curating her collection of children’s tears. … Mike Pence wanted to be here tonight, but his wife wouldn’t let him because apparently one of you ladies is ovulating. … Jeff Sessions couldn’t be here tonight. He was busy doing a pre-Civil War reenactment. On his RSVP, he just wrote ‘No,’ which happens to be his second-favorite N-word.”
---Hasan Minhaj at the WH Correspondents Dinner
"Congratulations, Mr. President. You sold people on huge expectations and lies, but all you've managed to do in a hundred days is invite a bunch of rich wankers to town and deliver a dangerous, poorly-executed shit sandwich. You’re basically the presidential Fyre Festival."
---Samantha Bee, host of the "Not the WH Correspondents Dinner"
"Here's a tip for ya, Mr. President: the tie stops at the belt."
---George W. Bush (Will Farrell) at the "Not the WH Correspondents Dinner"
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"While discussing health care, a Republican congressman from Alabama said that people who lead good lives don’t get sick. Seconds later, he dropped dead."
---Conan O'Brien
"North Carolina representative Robert Pittenger explains that if you have a pre-existing condition that your state won’t cover, "people can go to the state they want to live in." … This is gonna be a real boon for state tourism. Look forward to signs like 'Virginia is for Livers,' 'I [Heart Transplant] New York,' and 'Come Get an Alabamputation.'"
---Stephen Colbert
And two years ago this week:
"Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he is sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that."
---David Letterman
Thank you, Davestrodamus. Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, May 5, 2017
Note: Oh happy happy joy joy. Monday is chemo day! Yes, we'll be pumping more precious Big Pharma Juice into our veins bright and early, so next week will be a 3-day week for C&J. We'll post Wednesday through Friday at the usual times and, as previously promised, tack on the missing two days to the end of our contracted, um, contract. (Oh, and please don’t show this note to my cancer cells---my oncologist prefers surprise attacks.) Thanks for your patience. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the elections in France and Britain, respectively: 2, 34
Days 'til Cow Patty Bingo and Bah Bah Bingo in Eagle, Colorado: 8
Percent of the U.S. Navy made up of women thirty years ago and today, respectively, according to IAVA: 8%, 18%
Official public appearances so far by Trump that have not been at the White House, Air Force One, an agency of government or Mar-a-Lago, versus 62 for President Obama: 22
Percent of avocados sold in the U.S. that come from Mexico: 80%
Years since the price of Hass avocados (Mexico’s largest producer) has been as high as it is now: 19
Cost of the 33-pound solid-gold Darth Vader mask being offered by a Japanese jewelry store: $1.4 million
Puppy Pic of the Day:
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CHEERS to good omens. The United States and Britain may have voted like imbeciles in recent elections, but it appears France may be avoiding that same fate. They have an election Sunday---a centrist candidate versus a speech-plagiarizing Nazi and Putin stooge. Reading the tea leaves baguette crumbs, it's looking positive for Team Sanity:
Marine Le Pen remains 18 points behind Emmanuel Macron with just days to go before the second round of the French election on Sunday, according to one of the biggest final polls.
The Cevipof/Ipsos/Sopra Steria poll shows that Mr Macron appears on track to win an astonishing 59 per cent of the vote versus just 41 per cent for Ms Le Pen.
The Cevipof poll said 85 percent of voters are sure which way to vote, leaving at least 15 percent of voters who could have been swayed by the TV showdown last night. Polls showed that a majority of French viewers thought that Mr Macron performed better during the debate which descended into a slanging match.
This would follow recent victories for democracy-over-fascism in Austria and Holland. So cross your fingers and your toes (or as the French call them, "leetle peegies") that the numbers hold…or even turn out better. My pledge to France: win this one and I'll stop with the bad beret jokes for six months. Hit 60 percent for Macron and I'll make it seven. But just so you know: I’m gonna require a lot of sedation to last that long.
P.S. ”Slanging match”? Sounds kinky.
CHEERS to a proportional response. Trump did his giant scrawly signature schtick yesterday on a "religious freedom" executive order that he promised would give his right-wing-freak evangelical grifters a free pass to politicize from the pulpit. The ACLU was prepared to jump into the fray with a lawsuit. Then they read it and decided it wasn't worth the construction paper it was crayoned on…
Today’s executive order signing was an elaborate photo-op with no discernible policy outcome.
After careful review of the order’s text we have determined that the order does not meaningfully alter the ability of religious institutions or individuals to intervene in the political process. […]
President Trump’s prior assertion that he wished to ‘totally destroy’ the Johnson Amendment with this order has proven to be a textbook case of ‘fake news.’ […] What President Trump did today was merely provide a faux sop to religious conservatives and kick the can down the road on religious exemptions on reproductive health care services.
The grifter dupes his marks again. I'm sure the devil made him do it.
CHEERS to Cinco de Mayo (or, thanks to Trump, now also known as Taco Bowl Abuse Awareness Day). This is the one day a year when we can legally re-enact the Battle of Puebla using live ammunition. At Casa de C&J this morning we observed our usual custom of planting a Mexican flag in our neighbor's yard and then taking them prisoner. Finally, after beating our Archduke Maximilian piñata (now on sale at Costco in convenient 1862-packs) senseless, we dug into some nachos so we could revel in, of course, “an authentic Irish experience.” Meanwhile, Rep. Steve King spent the day in his usual way---walking around with cantaloupes strapped to his calves. “And that's why we call the GOP the Subtle Party,” said no one.
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Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
This is another edition of The One Word Number Answer Man. In a 2014 tweet, Donald Trump asks: “It’s Thursday. How many people have lost their healthcare today?”
24,000,000.
Now back to Cheers and Jeers.
Gong! Gong!! BuddaBuddaBudda… GONG!!!
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CHEERS to connecting the docs. The American Medical Association (which, good for them, strongly opposed the Republican money grab posing as a health care bill) was formed 171 years ago today. Medical professionals from 22 states and 28 medical schools attended to hear such topics as: "How to Smoke a Stogie Properly Over an Open Wound," "Why Drugs Will Never Replace A Good Arsenic Tincture" and Ether: Your Trusted After-hours Frenemy. On their first day they unanimously approved the association's motto which is still in place today: "E Pluribus Three O'clock Tee Time."
CHEERS to lime, tangerine, strawberry, blueberry and grape. The new iMac 'puter machine---in blue originally but then expanded to four other "flavors"---was unveiled 18 years ago tomorrow. Said CNET News at the time:
Apple's first brand new Macintosh consumer system in over a year is different from previous Apple offerings--and its PC rivals--in that it will offer lots of built-in features at a low price.
The iMac will come with a 233-MHz PowerPC processor, a 4GB hard drive, built-in networking, an internal modem, and a CD-ROM drive for $1,299, among other features.
Not to be outdone, nearly two decades later PCs and laptops now come in a variety of cool and crazy colors, too: beige, black and gray. Ours is both black and gray with some silver around the edges. What can I say? I'm a rebel.
CHEERS to mirth panels. Here's something you'll "Marvel" over, even if you live in “D.C.”: tomorrow, May 6th, is Free Comic Book Day at participating comic book shops around the country. The annual event honors "an original American art form, created in the early days of the twentieth century." You can choose from action fare like Avatar and Wonder Woman, and classics like Ninja Turtles and Dr.Who. Or, for pure childish fantasy that'll keep you laughing, you can't go wrong with SpongeBob SquarePants or The Look on Bill O'Reilly's Face the Moment He Got Fired.
CHEERS to home vegetation. According to Stephen Hawking, we only have 100 years left to take care of business before we perish. So C&J has some serious TV watching to tend to this weekend! Tonight after Chris Hayes and ratings queen Rachel, Real Time’s Bill Maher talks with Ohio Gov. John Kasich, George Packer (The New Yorker), Maya Wiley of The New School, former Deputy Director of the CIA Counter-terrorist Center Philip Mudd and Gabriel Sherman of New York magazine.
New home video releases are slim pickins this week---a sequel to horror flick The Ring and Matthew McConaughey's Gold top the list. The baseball schedule is here, the NHL playoff schedule is here, and the NBA semifinal schedule is here. Saturday brings the annual hat & pony show known as the 143rd Kentucky Derby, and how can you not be pulling for the one-eyed horse? (But, really, NBC? Five hours of coverage for 2 minutes of clippety-clop?) New SNL this weekend with Chris Pine hosting. On 60 Minutes: the last living prosecutor at the Nurnberg trials after World War II reflects on the "blank faces" of the Nazis he prosecuted. And after taking a week off, John Oliver returns to skewer Trump and other abominations on HBO's Last Week Tonight. And here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: Mad doctor and HHS Secretary Tom Price; Sens. Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) and Roy “Pass Me The” Blunt (R-MO).
This Week: Paul Ryan takes a victory lap as George Stephapalooza applauds; Sen. Susan Collins (R-ME); surgeon and New Yorker staff writer Dr. Atul Gawande on Trumpcare.
Face the Nation: Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV); soulless Trump budget director Mick Mulvaney; Condoleeza Rice hawks her new book. Oh, and they’re going on a “sympathy and understanding” listening tour of Trump country in Pennsylvania, which will be followed by a listening tour of Clinton country on the First of Never.
CNN's State of the Union: Dr. Hannibal Lecter’s more-evil-than-even-Hannibal-Lecter twin Tom Price; Gov. John Kasich (R-OH);
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Ooh! Exclusive! Reince Priebu...zzzzzzz. Plus Karl Rove and Jonathan Gruber (MIT Economics Professor and Obamacare Architect).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: May 5, 2007
"TA TA, LOVE" to Tony Blair. The British Prime Minister who spent much of his tenure up George Bush's tuchus says you won’t have him to kick around for much longer---he's packing up his cricket wicket and going home. He'll be replaced by Gordon Brown. Or as he's known to the British public: "Anybody but Tony Blair."
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And just one more…
CHEERS to a fitting start to the weekend. Yes, of course---it’s babies in slo-mo in an ad that reminds us of C&J’s personal motto: Judge me not by the color of my skin, but by the underwear on my head...
So many metaphors. So little time.
Have a great weekend. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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