Everything you know is wrong
Just forget the words and sing along
All you need to understand is
Everything you know is wrong
(Everything you know is wrong) Weird Al Yankovic 1993
If you’re over 40, then I’m preaching to the choir. At some family function somewhere over the years when you were young, you heard either Grandma or Great Grandma trying to scare the living bejesus out of all the kids by relating how, when a chicken has its head chopped off, if let go it runs around the yard, until there’s not enough blood left to pump anymore. Why is this the first thing I think of whenever I consider the political life of El Presidente Pendejo and his big, fat mouth?
The opening lyrics say it all. No, I don’t mean that we’re lucky enough to have seen His Lowness’ amply portioned wallet warmer trundle up the stairs of Marine One for the last time. Unfortunately, he will continue to stink up the leather Oval Office chair with Trump branded Gucci knockoff farts. Forget what he does or does not actually get done.. Ceremonially, he’ll still get wood every time they play “Hail to the Chief” when he walks into the room.
Actually, Trump’s mouth can run for much longer than that chickens legs, simply because his mouth was never connected to his brain in the first place. But what do Trump’s words actually mean, if in fact they mean anything at all? The way I see it, even a baby actually “means” something when they yammer and coo, we just don’t know what it is. Sound like anybody you know who looks like they want to sell you Haitian penny stocks in that Nixon throwback suit? So, today that’s what I’m here for, to try and help you with the rather torturous translation from the garbled pidgin English Trump bleats like a drunken sheep and something we can all understand.
“We’re going to let Trump be Trump” Translation — We can’t control the stupid bastard anyway, so why knock ourselves out fighting a losing battle?
“I have signed more bills than any President in history” Translation — Ummmm. IOU’s to Russian oligarchs still count as bills, right??? After all, you do owe them the money.
“Will AG Sessions stay in his job? Time will tell, Time will tell” Translation — I’m waiting for you to forget this question (See “In a couple of weeks Melania is gonna hold a nice press conference about her immigration status”)
“I have heard from many, many people” Translation — Somebody just told me this, I think it was Alex Jones, so you know it’s true.
“We are going to win so much that you’re going to be sick of winning” Translation — When you can’t even run a casino at a profit, and the Russians have to bail your ass out, this is what winning looks like. Get used to it.
“I can be more Presidential than any President to ever hold this office” Translation — My idea of “Presidential” is the Mel Brooks role of the Governor in “Blazing Saddles”.
“Ahhh, be honest. There’s nothing more fun than a Trump rally, right?” Translation — My rallies are like the farmhouse storming scene in “Night of the Living Dead”, which is mega chuckles as long as you’re a brain dead zombie.
“I had the largest Inauguration crowd in the history of the Presidency” Translation — Yes, it really is about the size of my dick.
“I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody” Translation — None needed, as long as he thinks he can pardon himself, he’s deadly serious about that.
“You can’t listen to the ‘fake news’ and their phony polls” Translation — If you didn’t hear it from “The Mooch”, or get it from my Twitter feed, it’s all bullshit.
“My son Don Jr. is a great kid, he’s a fine young man” Translation — If I refer to him like he’s an infant, they’ll think he’s nor responsible for his stupid shit.
“I don’t even know who he is. I think I met him like, one time maybe. I wouldn’t recognize him if he walked in the room” Translation — Shit! I hope they don’t have that security footage from the bank in Cyprus of him standing next to me while I signed the check! They erase that shit sooner or later, don’t they?
“It is an honor and a privilege to come here every day and help President Trump make his incredible agenda for the American people a reality” Translation — Sweet Jeebus, this is worse than that Jungle River ride job I had at Disneyland when I was in college!
“What is it with Russia? I don’t know anybody in Russia. I have no dealings with Russia” Translation — It’s true. You don’t deal with the Russians. They show you the copies of everything, and then they tell you what you’re going to do.
See how easy it can be if you just have your translator handy when you need it? Actually, that was fun, I hope you guys and gals enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed creating it. If you did, feel free to drop me some of your own favorite illegible sentences or phrases in the comments. I’ll notebook them, and if I get enough, we can do this on a casual basis until we have enough to go to press with as an actual Trump to English dictionary.