(Note: I would assume most DK readers will recognize the Onion flavor of this article, but to be totally clear, to the best of my knowledge, Mr. Jones did not actually say any of the following quotes.)
(Thursday, 3/16/17) Today Alex Jones issued a dire warning to his listeners: “Remember when Al Gore claimed that he never said he invented the internet? Well, the inconvenient truth is that he lied — he did invent the internet! And why did he invent it? He did it so he could get control of your mind, my mind, and everyone else’s mind, not just here in America, but all over the world! And how is he controlling everyone’s mind? With Al Gore rhythms! All of his big friends on the web, from Google to Amazon to Yahoo, have been telling us for years that they each have their own special Al Gore rhythm! They’re not trying to hide this fact — they’re boasting about it! Is anyone paying attention? And what are these Al Gore rhythms doing to our minds? Remember Pavlov’s dogs? The more Al Gore infects our minds with his rhythms, the more likely it is that we’ll follow his orders, no matter what he tells us to do!”
“And what is Al Gore going to tell us to do? This Satanist already has his government toadies controlling the weather, trying to get you to believe in his climate-change global warming hoax! Meanwhile, his big government gang will hit you with storms that might blow your house down! He wants you to be so confused that you’ll believe in Sandy Hook and all these other fake massacres, and then he’ll send his CIA agent friend Glenn Beck to come and get your guns. Beck will tell you he’s going to keep them for you, hiding them from the government, and because it’s Glenn, you might believe him! Don’t fall for it! Glenn used to pretend to be one of us, and to be against big government, but now we know it was all a scam — he’s working for Big Government!”
“How do you know if those Al Gore rhythms have gotten into your mind? I’ve already warned you that Cheese Pizza is Hillary code for Child Pornography, so if you suddenly start asking yourself if Pizzagate is real, LOOK OUT! When those government people come to your door to get your kid, and they say it’s a field trip, the children are going to have fun, and they’re going to eat PIZZA, remember what I said — if you let your kid go, you’ll be sorry! Hillary will be laughing at you over your child’s lifeless body, after she’s made her money prostituting your own flesh and blood! That’s what those Al Gore rhythms will do to you! Netflix, eBay, Facebook — they’re all now controlling your mind, with their own special Al Gore rhythms, and they’re bragging about it! They won’t stop, even if they get you to believe that Gore got more votes in 2000 than George W. Bush!”
Final note: this article comes from the news dump in my 3/17 monthly newsletter, and if you think you’d like to read these pieces when I make them available, you can sign up for my monthly missive at daveelder.com.