I would expect my fellow DKers to recognize the Onion flavor of this article, but just for the record, it’s possible that not everything that follows is true, although I also couldn’t say that it’s not true.
Breaking news from the But But But report: according to our exclusive source, we can now reveal that Trump’s real reason for firing Comey stems from his conclusion that James chose a special last name as a personal insult to him, and in addition, he believes JC launched an investigation into the history of his hairdo. The President is convinced that the former FBI director spells his last name C-o-m-b-i-e and that he picked that moniker as a direct insult to Donald’s very unique hair styling. From the beginning of their working association, Trump had planned to fire Comey due to his belief that James was insulting him through choice of name, and he decided that the moment to do so had arrived when JC asked him, “Aren’t you going to answer the question?” Trump heard that as “Orange You going to dance the western?” This further angered Donald, who felt an additional insult in Orange You and immediately shouted “I’m not dancing — you’re fired!” He then momentarily hesitated, waiting for a director to yell “Cut!”
Our exclusive source has revealed a few other inside tidbits from the Trump Whitest House, including the fact that DJT chose his Treasury Secretary Steven Mnuchin not out of respect for any financial competence, but because he thought Steve spells his last name as M-u-n-c-h-i-n’ and Donald figured they would therefore have a good time sharing meals together in the oval office. Trump also picked Rick Perry to lead the Department of Low Energy (DoLE) after the former TX governor agreed to not challenge him in 2020, and Donald awarded that particular position as a returned favor, so that if and when Perry does decide to run for president again, he will have less trouble remembering the names of departments he wants to eliminate. Trump selected Steve Bannon as chief strategist because he thought SB spelled his last name B-a-n-n-i-n’ and he took that as a sign that Steve would naturally know how to assist him in bannin’ all the scary people that he fears.
As for Trump’s friendliness with Putin, that seems to stem largely from his belief that Vlad will, by virtue of his name, Put-in a lot, meaning he’s expected to make generous financial contributions to Trump businesses. Donald’s disdain for NATO evidently comes from his notion that the acronym stands for Not A Trustworthy Organization and DJT finds it insulting that most of the other G20 reps seem to converse with each other in some kind of code that he can’t understand, as if they’re speaking a different language. Trump has reportedly yelled “Speak English!” on more than one occasion, to be met with puzzled stares. He may have even shouted “You’re fired!” at least once, generating exactly the same reaction.
Meanwhile, Trump may be considering axing his Secretary of Education because when people say her name, he hears it as Betsy DaBoss and he’s getting tired of having to say “She’s not da boss — I am!” However, he has also privately expressed pleasure to his inner circle every time someone mentions the name of his SCOTUS appointee, because he hears that name as Kneel Goresucks.
Note: This article is the But But But… the news segment from my July 2017 newsletter. If you’d like to read these pieces as soon as they appear, you can sign up for my monthly email newsletter at daveelder.com.