(SnarkyNewsNetwork) After causing huge controversy across the country after failing to denounce white supremacists following the violence and murder of Heather Heyer in Charlottesville, Virginia, blaming “both sides” for the events, President Trump once again made news today, when he tweeted early in the morning around 3 AM his support for Arsonists.
“Fake news and the alt-left love to blame arsonists for the fires they start. But really, there is bad stuff on both sides all the time. Firefighters share some of the blame. #MAGA” According to the text of the tweet.
After causing outrage around the country for his offensive tweet, the Trump administration hastily organized a press conference, for Trump to apologize for his tweet and condemn arson.
Instead, Trump mostly spent the press conference complaining about how his vacation was not a vacation but actually work, such as how he had to come here and defend his statements, which ruined his vacation. And when he finally got around to discussing the tweet, rather than apologize, Trump went on to double down on his statements.
“I must stand up here and announce that I categorically condemn and denounce arson. But it’s not that bad! There’s way worse crimes than arson. You could find some very many good arsonists out there, just like you can find some very many good people who don’t set things on fire. And, there’s bad, too, OK yeah sure.”
“And sure, everybody in the fake news loves to make the firefighters out to be the heroes. Just because they put out the fires, they save the lives, they put their lives on the line and make huge sacrifices in their daily personal lives to keep us all safer. But that doesn’t mean they don’t share some of the blame. Maybe, just maybe, have you ever thought, that if there were not so many fires and firestarters around, we would not have so many great and fine firefighters to protect us? Think about that, huh, America.”
“That’s what Donald J. Trump is all about, creating jobs, whether they be firefighter, firestarter, or whatever is between those two. I do it All!”
“And really, they only are made to look that way, because we as a country decided arson is bad, for some reason. Of course in this type of environment, arsonists are going to get a bad rap.”
“And then you know what happens? Because we make arsonists out to be so bad, why, we end up banning the things they need, like accelerants and explosives and other deadly chemicals. Great, beautiful things, but nobody can buy them anymore, because we made them out to be the ingredients for bad people. Why, this is a slippery slope — first we ban explosive hazardous materials, what next, baby aspirin? I mean come on, it’s a slippery slope, folks.”
“And I should know, because nobody is better at putting out fires than me, Donald J. Trump. Why, I just put out a fire just before I stepped up to this podium. I was like, ‘Hey Steve Bannon, you caught on fire again. Keep your hands off that scotch for like, two seconds, maybe you wouldn’t be so flammable.’ Boom, extinguished.”
“And speaking of which, haven’t you ever heard that the words flammable and inflammable — they mean the same thing! If that is not the ultimate definition of hypocrisy, then I don’t know what is!”
“I mean really, folks, I’m really asking. I really don’t know what hypocrisy means.”
Those are just a few of the statements in what turned out to be a 73 minute-long press conference, where Trump touched on many un-scheduled topics.
In one of the more stunning moments of the press conference, Trump ended his announcement, by also expressing support for illegal immigrants, who are guilty only of the crime of entering the country illegally.
“I know I spend a lot of time attacking illegal immigrants, calling them rapists and drug dealers, inciting all sorts of violence and bigotry in their direction,” Trump said. “But some, I imagine, are good people.”
“Really, there’s been really bad stuff on both sides. Can you really blame illegal immigrants? Look at what the other side does to them. Really bad stuff. Look at how they incite illegal immigrants to break the law. The other side hunts them down with border patrols and immigration officers. The other side threatens to build massive imposing walls to keep them out. The other side casts aspersions, when really the vast majority are harmless and just trying to make a better life for themselves in this country. Why, we may not even know who all the bad actors are on this side of things, but is it any wonder why more people do not try becoming illegal immigrants, themselves?”
In other news, Chicago has announced that it will be erecting a new monument, in honor of Mrs. O’Leary’s Cow, who started the Great Fire of 1871.
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