Washington, DC
With the anniversary of 9-11 close upon us, and North Korea testing missiles, the pressure is on Donald Trump to create a new, yet believable “Pearl Harbor event.” The objective, according to anonymous insider sources is not only to transition the Trump administration into it’s wartime phase, but to stay on par with previous administrations.
The same source said, “it’s unhealthy— he one day stripped down completely nude and locked himself in a gold-plated tanning house screaming in the mirror, “It’s got to be yuuuuge! It’s got to be yuuuge!” Sarah Huckabee Sanders was seen shortly after tumbling out of a doorway with Trump in a leg-lock trying to wrestle a penis-pump out of the president’s hands.
An unlicensed psychoanalyst has allegedly been hired to talk Donald through these tough times, and a steady flow of bike messengers has been seen at the White House delivering printouts of various sized missiles.
Francis Pettybaum, and eight-grade art teacher has been confirmed as being invited into the White House and went on the record to say, “I wasn’t sure why they hired me. Trump spent hours sculpting penises of every shape and size— limp penises, fat penises, tall penises— and every sessions ended in him violently erupting into anger and smashing his penises on the table screaming, ‘9-11 was an inside job!’”
In recent days, a twitter account which is alleged to secretly belong to the president has appeared online to poll his constituents to ascertain what would constitute a believable reason for getting into war.
Tweets from his followers to @RealPOTUSDonaldRules struck upon a similar theme.
@Murica1978: Send some missiles to those liberals in Masserchusetts and say Osama is back from the dead!!!
@WhiteGenocide55432 Blow up those libtards, then fuck Saddam in the ass with all that Kuwati oil!
@KekIsLife Do like Gulf of Tonkin and crash the Death Star into a rice paddy. I love the smell of Pepe in the morning! #MAGA2020
At around 4AM, Trump tweeted from @RealDonaldTrump: Presidenting is hard. Someone pick me up a Big Mac, a bag of Cool Ranch Doritos and a taco bowl. We’re bombing Mexico and saying it was the Muslims. #Trump2020 #Trump2024
Wikileaks’ Julian Assange has just announced that he will be leaking an extensive archive of Trump and North Korean leader Kim Jong-un snap-chatting dick picks to each other.
#Satire