“ The Trump administration is preparing to redirect resources of the Justice Department’s civil rights division toward investigating and suing universities over affirmative action admissions policies deemed to discriminate against white applicants” — New York Times, Aug. 1, 2017
Well, I’m sure glad that Trump will start using those civil rights dollars to protect the most victimized people in this, our United States of America: white people. But he shouldn’t stop here, here are just a few other classes that should be protected:
Powerboat Owners
Having to waddle through life without owning a proper vessel, these poor devils are currently doomed to remain forever in want of a yacht. Think of them, unkempt losers in second hand life-vests, getting wet even if they don’t want to as they zip around a miserable lake or bay. We’d ask President Trump to please offer financial assistance to these innocents, these victims of the system that can barely spare 100k for a leisure craft or two.
Neoliberal Pundits
Yes, the President does not like them, even if they helped normalize him as a candidate and are constantly framing conversations with false moral equivalences. But protecting neoliberal pundits should be seen as a humanitarian issue. Everyone should support it. Think of them more as an endangered species — today there are only around 29,000 neoliberal pundits left in North America. Every month hundreds are lost to the lucrative field of growth hacking consultancy. Plus, the upcoming surge of AI’s will surely leave them vulnerable and unemployed, as they are easily replaced by bots that can say “we don’t want Democrats to take a stance that may be perceived as aggressive and intransigent” in 28 different languages.
Venture Capitalists
Every day these brave men and women are risking expendable portions of their incomes on ventures that are likely to prove foolhardy. Thanks to VCs, apps that can make this a better world get a real shot at greatness. We may have never heard about an app that allows you to say “YO!” to people had some visionary VC not decided it was worth $7 million. I’m petitioning Mr Trump institute the Venture Capitalist Bailout Fund of America to aid any ailing VC. If they lose their capital they will receive 103% of the sum initially invested. The additional 3% will compensate the victimized VC for the emotional distress caused by having a 21-year-old Stanford drop-out spend most of the investment on San Francisco real estate.
People Living In The White House
I mean… have you seen it? It’s a dump. Has anyone checked that shack for asbestos recently? Taking into account that in 2011 the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development estimated that $26 billion were needed for public housing repairs… we can’t imagine what the White House is like inside. There surely is lead peeling off of the wall and ceiling, raining down as confetti. I hear they are only able to keep the seagulls from descending to search for scraps by having 85 leaf-blowers surrounding the house, pointing at the sky.
Anywhoo, feel free to add some protected classes in the comments! Let the riffing begin.
Real Information Update: Wagatwe Wanjuki just tweeted a piece of hers here on Daily Kos pointing out that it’s white women who are the biggest beneficiaries of affirmative action. Check it out!
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