A draft report by scientists from 13 federal agencies, which has not yet been made public but was obtained by The New York Times, concludes that Americans are feeling the effects of climate change right now. […] Scientists say they fear that the Trump administration could change or suppress the report. — Aug. 8, 2017, NYT
I’m assuming Stephen Miller will come out to make up some fun facts about this. But why stop with climate change denial? Here are some other reports the Trump administration will attempt to suppress this week:
- The American Society For Gravity And Keeping Stuff In It’s Place (ASFGAKSIIP) has prepared a comprehensive study that shows that the scientific consensus is that gravity is still in force and will continue to reign for the foreseeable future. The report is scheduled to be released Friday, August 11, but it remains to see whether it will ever see the light of day. Senior Trump Advisor Stephen Miller recently attacked ASFGAKSIIP’s position, noting that “it’s a little known fact that gravity was invented by Zionists in 1989, mere weeks prior to the fall of the Berlin wall, [that’s some] interesting timing.” He went on, stating that “gravity only beleaguers hard-working Americans because past administrations have allowed it to do so. President Trump will set Americans free from gravity’s choke-hold, eliminating the NAFTA clause that forces us to comply with the belief of gravity.”
- After extensive testing, the European Organization for Nuclear Research, better known as CERN, was preparing to announce on Thursday that our perception of time continues to be linear. An excerpt from the report states that “hours continue to be hours, minutes continue to be minutes, and barring a dramatic acceleration of the speed at which the Earth circles the sun, seconds will continue to be seconds.”
Mr Miller jumped on this one immediately, subtweeting that their assumption that everyone agrees that the Earth circles the sun “shows their scientific bias”. His tweets went on: “2/ I myselff time-travel frquently by blacking out during press conferences. 3/during blackuts I see myself in my mothers’ womb suffocating the good twin and when I return the 4/internet is mad at me #lyingmedia”. The White House backed these statements up by noting that “the tyranny of time would be best replaced by the tyranny of strong American ideals that real Americans agree 102% are represented by President Trump.”
If you have ideas for more suppressable reports, they’re extremely welcome in the comments! Update: I changed “dismiss” in the title to “debunk” as many people seemed to come here hoping that it was a typo and that Trump was about to fire Miller.
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