In the opening scene, Donald hires a new WH Communications Director because he believes the man’s name is Scare-‘Em-Muchly, which is what he expects a communications director to do, but when he hears Anthony’s statement that “the fish rots from the head” it sounds to him like a critique of his hair style, so he brings down the hammer on Scaramucci, adding that he wants the man’s successor to start with a clean slave. He also decides to fire Mr. Priebus because his chief of staff doesn’t behave as Rancidly as Donald had expected him to do, and DJT didn’t like it when Reince said he had to take a leak. In fact, that remark makes Trump so angry that he declares “it’s time to kill all of the leakers” and Anthony gets that statement out to the press before his fish one, but in doing so partly seals his own fate, because Donald feels Scare-‘Em is stealing his lines rather than sticking to the script.
Following the commercial break promoting a new brand of $10,000 Trump glasses that can make all Mexicans look alike, and that can be adjusted to work on black people, Muslims, and LGBT folks as well, Donald announces his hiring of a science advisor who questions the purported scientific consensus about the earth revolving around the sun. DJT then voices his official statement: “What do your eyes tell you? The sun comes up in the east, and sets in the west, doesn’t it! When all these people who claim to be scientists tell you the earth is the one going around the sun, you don’t have to simply accept what they say. This is just another Chinese hoax made up so that we’ll let more of them come into our country and take over our science classrooms!” After his statement, someone in the room asks if he believes the world is flat, and he answers that when a New York Times writer can put out a book with that title, maybe the rest of us should start looking into that possibility.
Jared then makes a brief appearance, mentioning that the Russian laundromat is working well, to which Donald replies that he’s not in any hurry to get cleaned up. A bit later, Kellyanne tries to pull another Con-way by telling DJT that firing Mike would get too ex-Pence-ive and firing Tom could get very Price-y. Just as Donald leaves the room, a reporter asks her whether the President has any concerns about environmental threats to bees, and she answers that Trump does not intend to waste his time on anything less than A-listers, so therefore, “Bs don’t count.” The final scene comes when David and Stephen walk into the office, and Donald enters by another door. He looks right at Stephen and says, “Policy advisor? We don’t need a Miller. Who even uses mills anymore? You’re fired!” He then turns to David and says, “And we don’t need anyone else who’s Bossie working for us, because I’m da boss! You’re fired!” The ending fades to a commercial spot advertising a special price of $10 million per ton for the new Trump “Made in America” sticker, which is manufactured in China.
Note: I would expect most DK readers will detect the Onion taste of this article, similar to my other recent writings here. These pieces originally appear in my monthly newsletter, and if you’d like to read them in a more timely fashion, you can sign up for the Daveletter at daveelder.com.