From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Quick C&J Fundraiser Update
Day three and I can’t believe how many sales pitches I’ve already blown through for our annual fundraiser. I’ve tried the hard sell, the soft sell, the suggestive sell, the upsell, and the cross sell. I’ve pushed your buttons, toyed with your emotions, and bombarded you with features and benefits. Many of you have donated to keep your daily shot of C&J coursing through Daily Kos’s veins. (Thank you!) But for the rest of you I can see I’m going to have to play the low-down dirtiest card in my pitchman’s deck:
God commands thee.
I can’t get into all the details here, but basically the Almighty has chosen Cheers and Jeers as His vessel for world salvation, and only I can channel the power He bestowed upon me to plant the seeds of the harvest that will germinate and sprout into the fruits (and certain root-based vegetables) of your eternal salvation. A fully-funded Cheers and Jeers will protect you from sin, self-doubt, nuclear fallout (as long as you’re under a desk), tyranny, canker sores, and cheap marketing tactics. Oh, and smiting. You won’t get smited, either, unless it’s an accidental #smitefail. (His aim gets a little iffy after His third Drambuie on Saturday night.) As for the Rapture? Donate now and when it happens I guarantee you’ll get a seat in business class.
On the other hand, what epic plague will the Lord unleash on the world, should I fail to make my C&J quota by the end of the week? Two words: President Hannity.
Come now, sisters and brothers. Take my hand and let us prepare the table for the feast of progressive salvation that includes a biblical flood upon the ark-less Republican party in 300 days. Support this divinely-inspired column. Here are the various options via PayPal and snail mail:
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Bill Harnsberger, 16 Pitt Street, Portland, ME, 04103.
If you're already a C&J monthly subscriber and you want to continue, you don’t have to do anything---you’re good to go. Bless you!
Praise be to you for your support. If I ever develop my own line of apocalypse-proof slop buckets, I promise you’re getting’ one on me.
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, January 10, 2018
Note: Before we start, please rise for our national anthem, led by the President of the United States:
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Please be seated.
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the Chinese New Year (of the dog): 37
Days 'til the Callanwolde Arts Festival in Atlanta: 10
Rank of John Quincy Adams, Thomas Jefferson and John F. Kennedy among presidents with the highest I.Q.s, according to a 2006 study by psychologist Dean Keith Simonton: #1, #2, #3
Cost of dealing with the top 16 natural disasters in the U.S. last year: $306 billion
Temperature in Sydney, Australia Sunday, the highest in 78 years: 117
On time record of Latvia’s airBaltic, the most punctual airline in the latest OAG Punctuality League report (Hawaiian Airlines came in 2nd at 87%): 90%
Amount a rocking chair from Elvis’s Jungle Room at Graceland fetched at auction: $17,500
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Mid-week Rapture Index: 188 (including 5 wild weathers and 1 hot cross bunny). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Yeah, that’s big…
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CHEERS to opening the drapes and letting the sunlight in. Sometimes Senator Dianne Feinstein (D-CA) makes me want to strangle her, and sometimes she makes me want to buy her dinner at Balthazar. This morning I’m feeling the love, because yesterday she shoved a grapefruit in Judiciary Committee chairman Chuck Grassley’s face and then released the transcript of the closed-door testimony---10 hours! 312 pages!---by Fusion GPS founder Glenn Simpson. (Fusion is the outfit that commissioned Christopher Steele to compile the “dossier” that suggested, among other things, the existence of the Trump “pee tape.”) Grassley and other Republicans on the committee didn’t want the testimony released because they knew it would kick the seriousness of the Russiagate allegations up several notches. And here’s just a couple revelations via Never-Trumper Jennifer Rubin:
>> The British ex-spy who authored a dossier of allegations against then-presidential candidate Donald Trump was told the FBI had someone inside Trump’s network providing agents with information, according to a newly released transcript of a congressional interview.
>> Steele took it upon himself to report his finding to the FBI because he believed there was a “crime in progress” and matter of national security. He later relayed to Simpson that the FBI already had information from a campaign source.
What stands out most from an initial perusal of the transcript is the professionalism and seriousness of Fusion GPS and Steele. By attempting to suppress a candid look into the dossier (really a series of memos, Simpson explains), Republicans once again are caught acting like Trump henchmen, trying to play down the investigation into Russia, not unearth and air what they learn.
Anyone need a fainting couch? Didn’t think so.
CHEERS and JEERS to dollars and sense. As we hit the middle of the week, time to check in with some recent economic headlines to find out if we should start moving our money from the hole in our back yard to the hole in our mattress:
• Gas prices expected to his highest since 2014
• Manufacturing in U.S. accelerated in December
• Auto sales slipped in 2017
• UPS, FedEx brace for week of record-setting returns
• Natural gas liquids hub in Appalachia clears first hurdle
• Hiring by U.S. employers slows
• Slow wage gains invigorate Wall Street
• U.S. trade deficit largest in six years
• Kushner’s family company expanded business with Israel after he entered White House
• Higher cable bills coming
• Heating fuel dealers struggle to meet demand
And this: Fire and Fury flies off shelves, with publisher rushing to print 1m copies. “Bless you Michael Wolff,” said independent booksellers planning their first vacations in years.
JEERS to taking a pick ax to an industry’s hopes and dreams. Trump to coal miners nearly a year ago (and countless times on the campaign trail before that, which allowed him to Hoover up votes in Appalachia): “I make this promise---we will put our miners back to work.” Yeah, let’s see how that’s working out for them this week…
An independent energy agency [headed up by Republicans] Monday rejected a Trump administration plan to bolster coal-fired and nuclear power plants, dealing a blow to President Trump’s efforts to boost the struggling coal industry. […]
The energy commission said in its decision that despite claims by the administration to the contrary, there is no evidence that any past or planned retirements of coal-fired power plants pose a threat to reliability of the nation’s electric grid. […]
Energy Secretary Rick Perry thanked the panel Monday for addressing his proposal, which he said had initiated a national debate on the resiliency of the nation’s electric system.
And what words of consolation might Rick Perry have to say to the coal mining community desperate for their industry to bounce back? Three come to mind, from some fucking moron circa 2012: “Can’t. Sorry. Oops.”
JEERS to reform at the speed of tortoise. On January 10, 1878, a constitutional amendment was introduced in the Senate that would give women the right to vote. The amendment was so slow to catch on that it wasn't signed into law for another 42 years. A period more commonly known as the "Era of Wifely Dirty Looks.
CHEERS to naming rights. Lost in all the hoopla about trivial issues like nuclear war, Russian hacking, and Republicans throwing America into the toilet and flushing, is the most pressing issue of the day: what parents are naming their spawn, of course. So allow me, via the Indy Star, to terminate the suspense: the most popular boy names of 2017 were Atticus, Asher and Jack. Top girl names were Olivia, Cora and Amelia. I went through a period of confusion when I was young, thanks to my mom and dad. For the first eighteen years of my life I thought my middle name was Billy and my first name was Dammit.
JEERS to not paying attention. On January 10, 2001, President-(not)-elect Bush and his "national security" team (Condi Rice and a Steinway baby grand) received their first top-secret Pentagon briefing on military challenges around the world. Judging by their performance over the next eight years, they apparently tuned out somewhere around, "Now listen carefully, this is important..."
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Ten years ago in C&J: January 10, 2008
JEERS to the world's worst ambassador. President Bush is in Israel today, spending some quality time with "my good friends the Israelians." Place your bets on how long it'll take him to ask "where's the propeller?" when they give him a yarmulke. Oh, and fifty bucks to anyone who can grab his passport. And shred it.
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And just one more…
CHEERS to the nexus of great writing and great delivery. January 10, 1982 was a dark day for my hometown of Mt. Vernon, Ohio. Our most famous son, Paul "Center Square" Lynde, was found dead of a heart attack at 55 in his Beverly Hills home, and our little hamlet just froze for the day (although, in fairness, it was the middle of January). It’s no longer a secret that most of the jokes Lynde got credit for on Hollywood Squares were created by professional writers with a real knack for double entendres. Paul’s campy gift for comedic timing elevated them to comedy hall-of-fame material:
Peter Marshall: Paul, in what famous book will you read about a talking ass who wonders why it's being beaten?
Paul Lynde: The Joy of Sex.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, is there such a thing as a female rooster?
Paul Lynde: Yeah, they're the ones who just go "a doodle doo."
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Peter Marshall: Paul, the state flag of Alabama is all white with one very distinctive feature. What is it?
Paul Lynde: Eye holes.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, how many fingers in the girl scout salute?
Paul Lynde: Gee, I don't remember. The last time I saw it was when I didn't buy their cookies.
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Peter Marshall: Before a cow will give you any milk, she has to have something very important. What?
Paul Lynde: An engagement ring.
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Peter Marshall: In the The Wizard of Oz, the lion wanted courage and the tin man wanted a heart. What did the scarecrow want?
Paul Lynde: He wanted the tin man to notice him.
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Peter Marshall: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
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Peter Marshall: You get a headache right after romance. According to Dr. Thotusen, is there anything wrong with you?
Paul Lynde: No, but I need a softer headboard.
You'll find tons of clips and info at the official Lynde fan site and here. He was an interesting---and frustrating---transitional figure on the LGBT timeline of the 60s and 70s. Even though his lips never said "I'm gay," his demeanor screamed, "Helloooo!!!" Scores of homophobic fans never figured it out, and their adoring fan mail, including marriage proposals, never stopped filling his mailbox. Liberace may have cried all the way to the bank. But Paul? Oh, he swished.
Oh, and C&J sends healing vibes in the direction of Kossack Simple, who is recovering from successful surgery---and hospital food Ha Ha Ha! Have a happy humpday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial:
WATCH: Fans Waiting to Get Into Cheers and Jeers Boo As Bill in Portland Maine's Limo Arrives
---Mediaite
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