From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
What made Trump Look Like an Even Bigger Jackass in October
"Tiny"
Denmark
His lazy ass
Kanye West
Great Britain
Ben & Jerry’s
Robert E. Lee
His "bad hair"
The plane groper
His idiot son Eric
The Maga Bomber
His idiot son Donny
This idiotic painting
The 14th Amendment
His unsecured phone
His U.N. Ambassador
His buddy Lou Dobbs
His "National Emergy"
His idiot vice president
His rules of capitalization
His '60 Minutes' interview
The toilet paper on his shoe
His "great memory of all time"
His claim of being a self-made man
His knowledge of umbrella technology
His mockery of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford
His love affair with Saudi Arabian murderers
His pith-helmeted wife---aka "most bullied person in the world"
Happy Halloween. The idiot sitting atop Bullshit Mountain will, as usual, spend his day (aka 24 hours of “executive time”) as a clown. Because why break with who he is the other 364 days a year?
Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold...[Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Wednesday, October 31, 2018
Note: Eat fistfuls of candy corn NOW or you'll be murdered by Hillary Clinton, assisted by illegals from the caravan, in a leprosy-infested liberal concentration camp run by ISIS and CNN!
---National Republican Candy Corn Council, Lou Dobbs, honorary president
-
By the Numbers:
Days 'til the release of Becoming Michelle Obama: 13
Days 'til the Tampa Bay Veg Fest: 3
Percent of U.S. firms that will give workers paid time off to vote Nov. 6, up from 37 percent in 2016, according to the Society for Human Resources Management: 44%
Minimum number of current or former education workers who are running on state ballots this year, more than 1,000 of them Democrats, according to the NEA: 1,400
Rank of the Tesla Model 3 among top-selling American-made cars in the USA in September: #1
Year the phrase "trick or treat" was first used in the U.S.: 1927
Percent of candy corn eaters who bite off the white tip first: 42.7%
-
Mid-week Rapture Index: 182 (including 5 volcanoes and 1 Old Testament midterm smiting by a nerd). Soul Protection Factor 24 lotion is recommended if you’ll be walking amongst the heathen today.
-
Puppy Pic of the Day: High, Duke…!
-
CHEERS to bad boys getting into very big trouble. Lovely way to start the day: news that worst Interior Secretary in history Ryan Zinke is being investigated for…oh, just your basic garden-variety Trump administration corruption:
The Justice Department is investigating Interior Secretary Ryan Zinke for possibly using his office for personal gain, following a referral from Interior's inspector general, two sources familiar with the investigation say. […]
Zinke has faced multiple ethics questions during his time at Interior, and the inspector general's office has multiple public inquiries into the secretary including the department's handling of a Connecticut casino project, whether the boundaries for Grand Staircase Escalante National Monument were redrawn to benefit a state lawmaker and conversations between Zinke and Halliburton Chairman David Lesar about a Montana land development project.
Yes, folks. The guy who is literally in charge of our nation's swamps is neck-deep in one of his own. Memo to the gator that ends up swallowing him: make sure your belly's pre-loaded with Pepcid AC.
CHEERS to Mueller Time…on overdrive? Things are looking dicey for Wikileaks nutball Julian Assaaaaaaaaaange. A court in Ecuador told him to go pound sand after he whined to them about the harsh rules ("make your bed," "wash your dishes," "stop stinking") that were imposed on him as he hides out from authorities in the country's London embassy for a seventh year. And with that ruling out of the way, Ecuador is apparently now thinking about catapulting his carcass over the pond to the U.S., where his extradition could make things very interesting very fast…
One thing working in Assange’s favor is that he possesses crucial information regarding Russian interference in the 2016 presidential election and hacked emails that WikiLeaks published. If anyone connected to President Donald Trump or his campaign was involved in the hacking or publishing, Assange would know it, and he would know who it was. […]
If Assange does find himself in the hands of American authorities, Special Counsel Robert Mueller could try to work out a deal whereby Assange gives Mueller information in exchange for leniency for his role in leaks of classified information.
And what would constitute leniency for Assaaaaaaaaaange? Same as Mueller's other deals: reduced jail time and, more important, a guarantee he won’t have to share a future cell with Eric or Don, Jr.
P.S. I don't even know what to say about this attempt by these Republican idiots to smear Mueller by trying to frame him for sexual assault except: mamas, don’t let your babies grow up to eat lead paint chips.
JEERS to earth's biggest parasites. Congratulations, humanity. You're wrecking the planet faster and more completely than anyone ever could've predicted. Heckuva job. According to the World Wildlife Fund, the world's vertebrate population has dropped by 60 percent:
The most striking decline in vertebrate population was in the tropics in South and Central America, with an 89 percent loss compared to 1970.Freshwater species have also significantly fallen---down 83 percent in that period. […]
Only a quarter of the planet’s land is free from human impact, and this is projected to fall to just a tenth by 2050, the report said. The rate of extinction on Earth is 100 to 1,000 times higher than it would be without pressure from humans.
Among the perishing vertebrates: The hedgehog has declined 75 percent in the U.K., the grey partridge is down 85%, and the Republican moderate is hanging by a thread at 0.0001 percent.
JEERS to no-shows. Harry Houdini died 91 years ago today, but not from one of his death-defying magic tricks. It was a ruptured appendix…but spooky nonetheless:
Houdini was 52 years old when he died, the exact number of playing cards in a deck. Further, he was born 26 years before the start of the new century, and died 26 years into the next one---as if his "life's deck" had been deftly cut in half by Fate, the ultimate magician.
For a full ten years after Houdini's death, his wife Bess conducted a séance on October 31.These séances were always attended by the top names in magic, as well as personal friends of the great magician. Houdini had told Bess that if it were possible, he would send a message to her "from beyond" in secret code. Though Bess herself stopped participating in the séances after 1937,members of the magic fraternity have kept the tradition.
If you're conducting a séance tonight and you smell burnt cannoli, you'll know you've erroneously reached Antonin Scalia.
CHEERS to cool science. Well, at least the nerds in the space industry continue to do America proud. NASA is currently hard at work assembling and testing all the elements it'll rely on when it sends another rover to Mars in 2020. One of those elements is the large 200-pound parachute that'll allow it to glide gently down to the surface in 2021, and that's now one more thing whose functionality they don’t have to worry about. Behold your tax dollars hard at work (one of the rare times I can say that without sarcasm in the Trump era):
-
The supersonic parachute passed its final test and broke a speed record in the process, deploying from the size of a drum to the size of a house in four-tenths of a second. To put that in perspective, that’s the same speed at which Republicans running for reelection are fleeing from their votes to repeal Obamacare. Blink and you’ll miss ‘em.
CHEERS and JEERS to monumental achievements. On this date in 1941, Mount Rushmore was deemed "complete" after 14 years of blasting and chiseling, but only because they'd run out of money. It's an eyesore and an insult to Native Americans, and it's more a testament to its creator's ego than anything else.
Having said that, it's still quite an accomplishment and it sure sums up the #1 thing you need to be President of the United States: a really big head.
-
Ten years ago in C&J: October 31, 2008
CHEERS to 1-800-IMSOLD. He slices! He dices! He makes perfect julienne fries and omelets in seconds---all without rubbing, buffing or scrubbing! How much would you pay to have your very own Barack Obama in the White House? Don’t answer yet! Because if you act now, you'll also get improved health care, a better environment, fiscal sanity, tax relief for the middle class and common-sense foreign policy! So throw out the old maverick and the incompetent frat boy! Get your very own all-new President Barack Obama! Not for a thousand dollars or 750 dollars or even 500 dollars...No! It's all yours for the low, low price of only 270 electoral votes. Hurry and vote---all sales are final and this offer ends November 4th! [10/31/18 Update: This item was my morning-after reaction to Obama’s 30-minute infomercial, which you can still watch on YouTube: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3 and Part 4. My only regret: his presidency only came with an 8-year warranty.]
-
And just one more…
CHEERS to Halloween. I read this week that participation on fright night is going to be around 175 million people this year.
And one thing I know that's scarier than any Trump or evil clown costume is the speed at which the rest of 2018 is going to fly by (on, say, a broomstick) after tonight. Halloween is the foot that hits the gas. Blink and you'll miss Thanksgiving and then it’ll be Hanukkah, Festivus and Christmas on your doorstep. As for trick-or-treaters, here in Portland tonight the weather is going to be a bit chilly with maybe a few raindrops, and we're hoping for a decent turnout as the BiPM household readies itself for the annual pitter-patter of li'l ghoul and goblin feet on the porch. As we plop our special treat into their plastic pumpkins and bags, we'll offer our usual caveat: "The little bags of candy corn are for you. The little bottles of Bacardi are for Mommy and Daddy."
Have a wicked Wednesday. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
-
Today's Shameless C&J Testimonial
In the annals of storied Daily Kos---the Abbreviated Pundit Roundup, Top Comments, the Overnight News Digest---the legend of Cheers and Jeers endures like none other.
---Andre Hereford
-