From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
Late Night Snark: Republicans Are Boofing America Edition
"If you took a shot for every time Kavanaugh lied about his yearbook, you'd be as drunk as Brett Kavanaugh was in the summer of '82."
---Colin Jost, SNL
Clip of Lindsey Graham sniveling at the Kavanaugh hearing: You're lookin' fer a fair process? You came to the wrong town at the wrong time, my friend!
Seth Meyers: He sounds like an outlaw gunslinger threatening to kill the Lone Ranger. But let's face it---if it came down to an old west gunfight, Graham would be the guy hiding behind the pickle barrel with his fingers in his ears.
---Late Night
"Why does it have to be him? you can’t just pick another dude from your Illuminati lizard meetings? Are Republicans so pro-life that you don’t even have a Plan B for this?"
---Michael Che, SNL
"He just couldn’t resist. Y'know, I'm starting to think a bipolar sociopath with no moral compass might not have been our best choice for president of the United States."
---Jimmy Kimmel, after showing a clip of Trump mocking Dr. Christine Blasey Ford
"According to tax records obtained by The New York Times, Trump and his siblings set up a sham corporation to disguise millions of dollars in gifts from his parents. In order to hide the money from the IRS---which is a crime---Fred Trump had been funneling money to his children for years. In fact, by the time he was three, Donald Trump was earning $200,000 a year from his father's real estate empire. So let me get this straight: at one point Donald Trump was an extraordinarily wealthy toddler. And today he’s still that."
---Stephen Colbert
And one year ago this week:
“Trump had a nice visit to Puerto Rico. He said it gave all the First Responders a chance to meet with the Last Responder.”
---Jimmy Fallon
The Midterm Elections Are Tuesday, November 6th
Voting Info for All 50 States Is Here
Vote Early If You Can
Crush The GOP
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, October 5, 2018
Note: Just a quick heads-up that next week we'll be starting a new chapter in the life story of greatest-living-writer-if-you-don't-count-all-the-other-living-writers Bill in Portland Maine: Chemotherapy Part II: Chemo Harder. Six months of Big Pharma’s finest cocktails this time instead of last year's three. So posting will be a bit sporadic at times, starting next Wednesday and possibly Thursday. But rest assured that if you start suffering from C&J Deficiency Syndrome, we'll immediately put you on your own IV cocktail of liquefied candy corn, bantha milk, and pumpkin spice Xanax, lovingly dispensed by a whirling Dervish in lederhosen named Gary. Thanks in advance for your patience. ---The Patient
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the midterm elections on November 6th: 32
Days 'til the Trailing of the Sheep Festival in Idaho: 5
Rank of Maine, North Dakota and Indiana among states where the most money has flowed for Kavanaugh-related advertising: #1, #2, #3
Percent of lower-income and higher-income Americans, respectively, who eat fast food daily according to the CDC: 32%, 42%
Percent of Catholics attending mass weekly in 2014 and 2018, respectively, who said they were pleased with Pope Francis' handling of the priest abuse scandals, according to Pew Research: 72%, 34%
Minimum number of cellphones that received Wednesday's Emergency Alert System test text: 200 million
Minimum amount of time family-values poster lady Sarah Palin's kid Track has to spend in custody at a halfway house for violating terms of his parole via domestic assault on a woman: 1 year
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Meanwhile, in Turkey…
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CHEERS to pictures that literally say a thousand words (give or take). Super TIME Magazine cover this week by artist and card-carrying Kossack John Mavroudis. Using words from her Senate testimony, Mavroudis created an indelible image of Dr.Christine Blasey Ford. And Haley Sweetland's accompanying article is a must-read, too:
The facts remain unsettled, and Ford’s testimony may not prevent Kavanaugh’s confirmation. But it was a powerful warning that wealth, status and a record of professional accomplishments were no longer enough to override credible allegations of sexual assault, no matter when they occurred. To young men, it was a message that drunken violence could shadow them all their lives. And to victims, Ford’s testimony was an invitation to speak up, no matter how powerful the accused, no matter how long ago the attack. […]
[E]ven if Kavanaugh joins the bench, Ford has cemented herself as a historic figure. In her courage, many Americans saw the opposite of everything they think is wrong with Washington. Politicians spin, fudge the truth, grasp at power. Ford appeared guileless. [S]he chose to speak up…out of what she saw as civic duty. That kind of courage is rare, especially in Washington today. And Ford showed how powerful it can be.
So stick your sanctimonious flapping gums where the sun don’t shine, Judiciary Committee Republicans---all eleven of you in your blinding whiteness and knuckle-dragging maleness---and boof on that.
CHEERS to this year's designated #1 peacemaker. The Nobel prize's most prestigious award was handed out today, and…and…and…[the suspense is killing you, isn’t it?]…it's not Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un. Aww, too bad. But between you, me, and the fence post, I like this choice a whole lot better, as summed up by AKALib...
The Nobel Peace Prize 2018 was awarded jointly to Denis Mukwege and Nadia Murad "for their efforts to end the use of sexual violence as a weapon of war and armed conflict."
The Nobel committee, in its announcement, stated that both laureates have made a crucial contribution to focusing attention on, and combating, such war crimes. Denis Mukwege is the helper who has devoted his life to defending these victims. Nadia Murad is the witness who tells of the abuses perpetrated against herself and others. Each of them in their own way has helped to give greater visibility to war-time sexual violence, so that the perpetrators can be held accountable for their actions.
Denis Mukwege and Nadia Murad have both put their personal security at risk by courageously combating war crimes and seeking justice for the victims.
Among the much-bandied-about nominees who lost out: South Korean president Moon Jai-in; Angela Merkel; and also me, for forging a lasting peace between the warring factions of red and grey squirrels in their territorial dispute on the porch roof. (And we have the scars to prove it.)
CHEERS to Quayle hunting. It was thirty years ago today, in 1988, when Democrat Lloyd Bentsen---Michael Dukakis's running mate---opened a can of whupass on Dan Quayle during their debate, and naturally the Republican whined like a little snowflake:
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It was one of the great zingers in campaign lore, and today it's a staple of debate-highlight montages. Four years later, of course, came the famous potato"e"gaffe, thus proving Quayle wasn't a very smart vice president. But ya gotta admit, he was a terrific warm-up act for George W. Bush.
JEERS to C&J's muse---well, one of them anyway. We're filing this in our bursting-at-the-seams "Oh My God" file. Yesterday morning I just happened to glance out the window at the exact time a pair of funeral home employees were wheeling our across-the-street neighbor (for 25 years) from her front door to their hearse. (I see they're using SUVs these days---very sporty.) Apparently she died.
But I assure you her legacy won’t. Ursula (her real name) was the inspiration for C&J's Gladys Higginbotham, the"crusty old broad with a heart of gold" who appears from time to time in our columns. Whether as the unfortunate NASA cleaning lady who accidentally gets launched into space during the latest Falcon-9 mission, or an adorably-persistent campaign phone-banker, Gladys adds a touch of stoic yet slightly-askew humanity to the day's nuttiness. As in the past, her future appearances will always merit a tip of my hat to the old lady across the street with the snowy white hair, the plastic flowers lining her porch, and the endless supply of Maine moxie. Fare thee well, Ursula. And if you see Margaret Chase Smith in the afterlife, tell her to come down and knock some sense into Susan Collins.
CHEERS to sacrificing for the common good. On today's date in 1947, Harry Truman became the first president to use TV to address the nation:
Truman requested that Americans not eat beef on Tuesdays, poultry on Thursdays, and a slice of bread each day to save on feed grains as a way of helping folks starving in Europe in the wake of World War II. If a Democrat tried that today, he or she would be accused by Republicans of being a Food Nazi trying to starve Grandma of protein and fiber in order to appease whiny foreigners and give an unfair advantage to the hop shoots growers lobby. I don’t know what's scarier: that I'm such an accurate predictor...or that they're such easy predictees.
CHEERS to home vegetation. Nothing seismic on the boob tube this weekend, but here’s a thing or two that might pique your eyeballs’ interest:
After Chris Hayes---fresh off Monday's Emmy win---and Rachel Maddow do that thing they do tonight on MSNBC, Bill Maher talks with Jeff Bridges, Doris Kearns Goodwin, Soledad O'Brien, Rep. David Jolly and---ugh---Andrew Sullivan on HBO’s Real Time. New home video releases include the 4k version of the classic Halloween but not much else. Awkwafina (Crazy Rich Asians) hosts SNL. The baseball post-season schedule is here RED SOX VILL CRUSH ZE YANKEES INTO ZEE DUSTY DIRT TONIGHT!!! The NFL concussion production schedule is here. On 60 Minutes: how best-selling author John Green copes with OCD. There’s a new Simpsons and Family Guy. And John Oliver, who delivered a seismic monologue on the sham Kavanaugh confirmation process last week, does it again Sunday night at 11 on HBO.
Now here's your Sunday morning lineup:
Meet the Press: TBA
This Week: TBA
Face the Nation: TBA
CNN's State of the Union: Sen. Susan Collins (R-Deadtome).
Fox GOP Talking Points Sunday: Sens. Ben Cardin (D-MD) and Lindsey Graham (R-SC).
Happy viewing!
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Ten years ago in C&J: October 5, 2008
CHEERS to pretty pictures. I don’t know much about Intrade except that their 50,000 members apparently put their money where their mouth is. Since I presume they don’t like to make losing bets, it's pretty cool to look at their latest electoral map and see landslide potential for Obama. I've got 5 bucks that says Dick Cheney declares martial law, dons an ape costume, climbs the Empire State Building with Sarah Palin in his paw, and diddles with her hairdo while biting the heads off of pigeons. If he does it before noon today I'll double my money. Thanks, Intrade!
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And just one more...
CHEERS to living saints. Let's hear it for Archbishop Desmond Tutu! The Nobel Peace Prize winner and all-around amazing human being turns 87 Sunday. (If you feel so moved, you can make a donation to the Desmond Tutu Peace Foundation here.) A few reasons why we love him:
"I say somewhat facetiously, 'I’m so glad I’m not God.' Can you imagine being God and looking at Syria and saying: 'These are my children. Look at what they’re doing to each other'?”
"If you want to make peace, you speak to your enemy. You don’t shoot him or her. You don’t raise your voice; improve your argument, my father would have quite correctly advised."
“I would refuse to go to a homophobic heaven. No, I would say sorry, I mean I would much rather go to the other place.”
"I've been married for 56 years and Leah has been very good at keeping my head the right size. Once I was driving and when I looked at her she looked slightly more complacent and self-satisfied than usual. When I wondered why, she showed me this bumper sticker that said: Any woman who wants to be equal to a man has no ambition."
"As a young priest I traveled to the United States to meet leaders of the civil rights movement, and rejoiced in their victories over prejudice and discrimination. Today, I battle to reconcile that joy with the disproportionate number of African Americans in prison and being shot in the streets."
"Children are a wonderful gift. They have an extraordinary capacity to see into the heart of things and to expose sham and humbug for what they are."
"If you are neutral in situations of injustice, you have chosen the side of the oppressor. If an elephant has its foot on the tail of a mouse and you say that you are neutral, the mouse will not appreciate your neutrality."
"I don't preach a social gospel; I preach the Gospel, period. The gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ is concerned for the whole person. When people were hungry, Jesus didn't say, `Now is that political or social?' He said, ‘I feed you.'"
Or, as translated by America's right-wing religious grifter class that excuses every daily act of immorality perpetrated by our so-called “Christian” president by giving him a non-stop stream of mulligans: "Blah blah blah..."
Oh, and twenty years ago today Fox News blessed the world by coming into existence. Oh, you shouldn’t have. No, really, seriously...you shouldn’t have.
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