Warning: Possibly disturbing content ahead.
There was an editorial a few months ago asking how Trump would want to be remembered at his funeral. I’ve been reading about human sacrifices off and on throughout the year, and thought of a few ideas…
This post is just a flight of fancy/humor/onion style article, it isn’t meant for anything else.
21st century American Leader’s Tomb Found: Americans Practiced Retainer Sacrifice say Archaeologists
In a find that has shocked the archaeological and historical worlds, more than a hundred bodies have been found in the excavated tomb of an early 21st century American leader, Donald Trump.
“It is truly an astonishing find”, says the lead Archaeologist, “We though retainer burials had died out hundreds or thousands of years before this period, but it appears the custom was brought back during this point in American history.”
The tomb complex covers an area of about 5-6 sports fields, and contains numerous inscriptions and artifacts, but the most surprising finds are the bodies. Most bodies are of young women, approximately 15-25 years old, a few are of other gender age combinations. One skeleton of an approximately 75-80 year old man is assumed to be the leader, based on records from this time.
“The bodies are found in two major groups. In the outer complex we have found the remains of young women, so far about 130 skeletons. In the inner complex are found a more diverse group: Two young men, two older men, around 50-60 years old, and an approximately 40 year old woman. In the center of the tomb on a raised platform is the skeleton of a 75-80 year old men.”
The tomb ways little about who these people are and why they were buried. Inscriptions within simply say that “the most beautiful women” are buried with “The greatest president”, but the tomb itself reveals little. Isotope and anatomy studies suggest that many of the women were from Eastern Europe, though no evidence exists whether they moved voluntarily to the United States, or were given in some way by others in a similar way to athletes of the time. Remains of military uniforms, including a few buttons, and two firearms nearby, suggest that the two young men in the middle compound were guards or soldiers. The around 40 year old woman is described as “the smartest, most beautiful”, in a tomb inscription, but with no other evidence in the tomb itself tells who she might be.
The 75 year old man appeared to suffer from obesity, a common condition at that time.
The tomb reveals some evidence of American burial practices. A chemical similar to that used in silicone sealants was found near many of the women’s skeletons, both in the outer area and near the 40 year old in the center. Archaeologists do not know what it was used form, but have some theories.
“Given the obsession with beauty, we think it may have been used to preserve the corpses in some way, possibly by sealing the coffins better, or been put into the bodies directly to seal them in some way. A few think it may have been used while the victims were alive, or that a more solid form was used to create an outer model of the person, one that would look fresher after the body decayed. We hope to find more clues to solve this puzzle.”
The tomb was difficult to find, but was discovered when groundskeepers discovered a large amount of gold dust in the soil above where it is. Prospectors searched for a gold deposit, but instead found the tomb. The tomb itself was covered in gold, with a few solid gold parts, and the rest of the walls and coffins covered by cheaper materials covered in gold. A few artifacts were found, some associated with the bodies. Many inscriptions describe Trump as the greatest, most successful president of all time. According to a historian, these are almost certainly propaganda, as other records from the U.S. and elsewhere describe it as a tumultuous time, and Trump as a confused, ineffective leader. The word “Trump” is written in numerous places in the tomb, often in large letters.
Still, the sacrificial bodies remain the most astounding feature of the tomb “It really changes our view of American burial practices at this time” said the main archaeologist, “We’ve never seen this before, not even at other presidential tombs from a similar time such as Obama or Schmidt, or Hernandez. We all hope to make more discoveries to see if this was a short term shift, or a custom that we had simply not discovered until now.”
Meanwhile, in the 21st century:
“Isn’t it great? The most beautiful women…with me. Beautiful….Forever with me. I get to spend forever with beautiful women, and they get to spend forever with me. Amazing, right? Who wouldn’t be happy.”