The gangly man at the podium had a bad haircut, with spiked and gelled hair of different lengths, standing on ends. His cheap grey suit completed his look of an indifferent bureaucrat. He tapped the mike a few times and the room quieted.
He looked out over the audience of about 100, mostly men in nicer suits. Oddly, a few animals roamed in the back of the room.
“Good Evening,” He began, “My Name is Jonathan Dio, but please call me Johnny. and I am the Principal Investigator for the engineering firm of Cheat Em2 Hell. Tonight is the public hearing and the opening of the public comment period on the Environmental Assessment (EA) for some recent emergency repairs performed on a fish pond wall collapse.”
“This hearing will be governed by the Frog Court’s regulations, which include portions of the Hammurabi Code, and uncanonized former portions of the old Testament, as well as the rules, regulations and procedures set out in and by NEPA, FLMPA, ACE, EPA, NPDES, DOE, BLM, SHPO, NHPA, RCRA, FWS and DEQ.”
Dio took a breath and a sip of water from a plastic bottle, and continued.
“The developer, hereinafter Redwoodman, in 2005, obtained unauthorized possession of a backhoe and excavated a 10 x 15 X 3 foot hole in his back yard before his wife returned from work and forced him to stop.”
“Redwoodman converted the hole into a pond by adding a liner, pump, 30 feeder goldfish, water lilies stolen from a golf course, and several mail order plants, including Louisiana Irises with purple flowers, lanceleaf arrowheads, pickerelweed (Pontederia cordata), and lizard’s tongue (Saururus cernuus), among others.”
“After an aborted effort to excavate a foundation for a house expansion left another large hole in the backyard, Redwodman converted the hole into a second pond, and moved in 30 fish and plants from the original pond.”
“He stole cattails and lilies from the golf course for this second pond, called the Cattail Pond.”
“However, Redwoodman’s shoddy construction caused the near-collapse of the Cattail Pond, with subsequent disappearance and assumed losses of several goldfish.”
“Redwoodman then began repairs on the former Cattail Pond without first obtaining permits. The Frog Court was prepared to grant an exemption for that violation, since it was repair work.”
“However, Code enforcement Officer Javert discovered that Redwoodman had other, undisclosed work ongoing at the former Lily Pond.”
“These additional violations voided the prior Consent Decree.”
“As part of a new settlement, Redwodman agreed to submit to the Environmental Assessment process, including this public hearing.”
“As you can see, the rebuilt ponds have reduced water surface areas, and much less vegetation, compared to before. At this time, only the Quarter Dome Pond has fish in it; 70 large goldfish, 5 pumpkinseed sunfish, 50 feeder goldfish, and 50 fathead minnows.”
“The EA was available on the Internet and we’ve made additional copies of the EA available on the table at the back of the room. Please limit your comments to this subject manner. If any creatures wish to testify, you may speak through your attorney. There is also an African Grey Parrot here to translate your concerns.”
“Due to recent unpleasantness, we are asking all predators to remain in the back row until it’s their turn to testify.”
“Will the first witness step forward?”
. “Next?”
EEEP PEEP ...
“Excuse me, can we have some quiet in the back?”
“Mr. Dio, I’m Foghorn Leghorn, attorney for the bullfrogs, and the noise back there is because the heron is eating most of my witnesses.”
“Well then, we’d better call the remaining bullfrog as the next witness.”
“Why is that?”
“On page 1-23 on the internet copy of the EA,” the bullfrog continued, “...large vegetation will be removed to allow additional sunlight onto the pond. But in the copy I got from the table at the back of the room, on page 1-23, it says, “Removing large vegetation will make it far easier to shoot the bullfrogs with a BB gun, and for the heron to pick them off.”
“My copy’s different too,” cried the goldfish.
“So?”
“In my copy, the photo is labeled much differently, mainly “The Heron’s menu for the upcoming week.”
Johnny Dio shifted uneasily, said “excuse me” and left the stage. He returned in a few minutes, coughed, and explained, “Um, I’m very sorry for the confusion, it appears one of our interns was a member of Greenpeace and they have distributed several “predecisional” “draft” copies of an earlier version of the EA, which accounts for the language differences between the copies here tonight, and the official version.”
Next?”
“Un, Big Red, did you have any problems with any of the “draft” language in the EA?”
“Well, referring back to exhibit 6, that showy the grassy area between the ponds?”
“Oh, you mean the spot labeled “Preserved area for insect life to frolic?”
“Yes, in my copy it’s labeled “Heron Landing Zone.”
“Um, ok, Now let’s open the public comment period to the hooman witnesses.”
Now it’s your turn!
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