If I were therapist for the troubled marriage between Democrats and Republicans, here is how I would frame the treatment plan. It’s a dysfunctional relationship. One that most marriages have to contend with in varying degrees at varying times. The metaphor of an addictive relationship comes in quite handy here. We got the addict, whose drug is Greed, and then we got another addict whose drug is self righteous control. Codependency is lesser known, but an equally destructive disease of perception and compulsion.
In order for Dems to lead, they need to continue the process of fixing themselves, instead of the empty goal of fixing the Republicans—(so they will stop hurting us!!) We as dems, need to be focusing all our energy on healthy truth seeking policy, instead of on “being right”.
Dems need to keep stating a strong honest, authentic position, and ask for the republican perspective. Engage the discussion and don’t let personal attacks interfere. Just the way we watched Obama deal with the birther movement. Dems need to define themselves by a clear stance on issues, no double speak! No more fear of spin but a secure faith in seeking truth, as a process, not a destination. This works really well in addictive relationships.
Stay away from false accusation. Speak truth to power but it can’t be bullshit helpless, victim shit. Avenatti, bless his democratic stand wanted to use an authoritarian “style”. It did not work. Every person who squares off with an authoritarian/addict in power must be prepared to die by the sword (therefore we must like the bumble bee, accept that the use of power and control is the choice of death. Sometimes it’s in the interest of the hive to take one for the team, but only with real acceptance of the choice we make.) Trump in his “dis-ease of greed” and distorted cognitions will use power and control with NO regard to principles. He just needs his supply. His drug. And will say whatever he needs to say to get it! He will go lower than anyone connected to reality will go. Unless you choose to martyr yourself and the value outweighs the cost, this position is not recommended. But there are codependents all over this world arguing, fighting, judging and blaming their addict today. People as sick as the addict, unable to accept the truth of this disease. Unable to see their own truth much less the truth of compulsion and addiction.
Our greatest tool is “truth and acceptance” not power and control. Live by the sword, die by the sword. Just plain simple truth and forcing a stand by asking them for answers. Truth is the Achilles heal to authoritarian power and control. (There was real power of truth in the portrayal of Jesus, Martin Luther King Jr. Mathatma Ghandi-Somehow these leaders without violence, armed with truth, presented a real threat to greed and power and control.)
Dems desire for greed over truth is as big a red sign to the “other side”. (“Spot it got it,” because they have the disease in spades they can clearly see it in us and will use our imperfections to blame and deflect.) Hiding our faults only serves the dis-ease. Owning, accepting, changing, is the work of attraction, not promotion. When the Dems take a strong position which can be based in fact, not hyperbole, we are strong. When we avoid the truth, spin, and use double speak, we look weak and codependent. Our need for control in the form of manipulation and people pleasing is just as dishonest a play for control as the power and control used to feed the compulsion of greed! Our compulsion is a false God and the compulsion to be “right” which we use to justify our use of power and control is just as destructive a mechanism as is the use of power and control for greed! “I yell at the addict if the addict yells at me because they deserve it! The addict is wrong!! Bad! Hurt me!! Needs to be changed! Shunned! And of course this perspective is based in the lie that being right is a good reason to use power and control. This perspective completely negates the reality of addiction which is that the more control, the more shame, and the more shame, the more need to control the threat to the compulsion, and the more need to use the compulsion. It negates the fact that all addictions and compulsions have denial of reality as a very real symptom in the brain. A symptom which cannot be successfully treated by power and control. (Unless shunning is the only way to maintain safety and mental health. Sometimes this is truly the only option, but many times people have not even begun to look at their own cognitive distortions or power and control, so shunning comes with consequences not always attached to truth but created because we could not tolerate looking at our own behaviors in response to their disease). We shun, yell, try to control the addict not because it works, (anyone who has lived with addiction knows this does not work) or because it creates peace within, or changes the world. Instead this behavior simply magnifies the damage. Adds to the collective shame, stops compassion, self knowlege, truth and understanding. To attempt to control or punish addiction is a behavior just as divorced from truth as the compulsion itself.
Dems must lead in regard to the way our elections are run. We must root ourselves in the pursuit of truth which is about a process, not static righteous outcome or destination. Our fund raising promotes the false god, greed. Our system currently promotes and rewards greed and money hoarding (can you see the link to a true compulsion here?? I do. And it’s a sickness. Just like the homes filled with hoarded crap, only one compulsion collects gold while the other believes they are collecting gold. In both cases, a delusion, since neither collections are needed for living a fulfilling life). These hoarding behaviors are not attached to truth. (An argument can be made for philanthropy, but you notice the reason republicans don’t like taxes, is because they want to control who they give it to. But that’s for another time to discuss).
If we apply the metaphor of a traditional alchoholic couple, use greed as the drug, Dems are the coda and Republicans are the addicts. Codependency is a disease of perception and equally life threatening and distorted. If mom is an alcoholic, dad’s job promoting mental health in his children would teach that child how best to survive loving a parent with the disease. Truth is the way. Same as if dad is the alcoholic and mom the coda. Moms job would be not to teach contempt, criticism, victim, rage, powerlessness and control, but to teach that child the truth they need to survive and be able to respect the real true good in that alcoholic parent along with the “bad”. That child would learn the truth about compulsion as a disease of the mind, the disease of a traumatized person, and only this truth can minimize the real hurt and damage. “Dad yells because of his shame. A shame that feeds his need to drink. It’s not about you. You didn’t cause it. Here’s how we protect you from dads or moms temper so that you can survive.” It took me years to put this into play in my home. And this month my husband will have lived 12 years without alcohol to add to his mental health problems. Honesty over the coda response which is full of judgment, bias, misunderstanding, distortion, and feeds a powerless victim view that promotes trying to control the disease outside of ourselves rather than the breach with truth within. (This model feeds exclusion, shame, shunning and feeds the shame cycle). Only truth sets us free. There is real hurt. Real pain, but so much less suffering and more peace, more truth. More sanity. No way around pain, but assessing to be sure that we accept what is, instead of the dangerous judgments about how we “should” be and who “deserves” love and who doesn’t.
Dems have a disease of perception, when they feel weak, powerless, unable to control republicans and angry as if as the “righteous ones” they “deserve” control!! At times Dems commit the very same mistakes when they need “control over republicans” instead of trusting the system to make it right. To survive well a relationship with someone who has greed, prejudice, contempt, fear, ism of any sort, a mental illness, the solution to being effective is a conscious contact with truth. Not controlling the person with the disease or disorder. Dems need to take a hard look at themselves. Figure out what they stand for and begin election reform pronto. The money feeds a disease sized portion of greed and it’s a compulsion that just like any addiction distorts the truth. Republicans need Greed to win. So do Dems. We are just more addicted to being perceived as “good” than we are the money. Lots of coda drink alcohol, abuse it, but control it in the compulsion to look “good” or “right”. If the response to the disease is a diseased codependent response of Blame, contempt and power and control, without a firmly planted foothold in truth, we live in this dysfunction til we figure it out. Some people live for years paralyzed in these patterns. (Should I leave or stay or just work on myself until the healthiest response becomes clear). But I promise, the truth sets us free. All we have to do is be willing to do what works, accept the truth and let go of self righteous blame and shame!! (Which only feed disease and more mental illness!)
What is the truth? Here’s a few important truths:
1) How we respond to greedy behavior is more important than what we “say” or what the addicts do. “Let the whirling dervishes whirl”. Focuses more on honest truthful measured response than “strategy”.
2) Paying attention to our own relationship with truth is more important than pointing out their lies. Where have Dems been greedy, afraid to confront the truth, fearful and avoidant? These answers will produce real trust and effectiveness when confronted. Dems need to stop fearing the truth!!
3) We need to focus on keeping our side of the street clean. Pressuring Al Franken to step down looked like fear and weakness not strength and truth. Strength and truth would have been waiting for a completed investigation. Letting the truth be revealed. Not a fear of the truth. A willingness to accept and deal with what is. That would have built respect. Instead it looked like righteousness and cover up. Just as distorted as the other side. (And I am a survivor of sexual assault, DV !)
4) Dems do not yet understand how they are acting out of fear and trying to “look righteous” instead of living in truth. (Not perfect truth but a journey that holds truth seeking at the pinnacle of principles, morals and values. Truth is and this is a fact, an unfolding imperfect process.) Elizabeth Warren, unlike Obama did with the birther issue, just magnified her privilege. If she had used herself as an example, of how white privilege works instead of pointing fingers we might have accomplished a tad more active collective consciousness on white privilege. (And I still love her!!) That would have been a more powerful truth to share, then “see I have Indian blood. I am a real victim here! I am not like those prejudice white folks! And see how Trump is a liar!!” More honest would have been to honor the truth of her privilege and educate about it, instead of engage in a battle for righteousness that does not exist. “Would you rather be happy or “right”? I have made this journey of heart and mind so many times. I used to think truth was proving to others how sick my addict was rather than seeing that my behavior of pointing out his disease was compulsive and totally kept me from focusing on how I was responding to the disease in my life!! It is the essence of non violent communication to focus on the locus of control where it legitimately belongs——on self.
For me recovery is about acceptance of what we control and what we don’t control. Disease model can be effective if greed is truly a compulsion. And living in that paradigm rather than trying to shape, reshape or control the truth is the only effective path. Right now our politics fed by the need for money to win, is causing Dems to make some of the very same mistakes as rebuplicans. Spiral dance of death. Self righteousness feeds greed because it’s not a reality. (God rewards the good people??). No one deserves to be rewarded. Beware of reward, because sometimes those rewards come with more challenges and what FFSake is a reward?? Truth and acceptance, that peace that comes from accepting the world the way it is, could be considered a reward? No one on earth deserves wealth anymore than they deserve poverty.
Our country needs a dose of recovery or truth. Acceptance. Serenity. Whatever you want to call it!!
Sorry for my rant but my heart is longing for the voice that fearlessly and unapologetically speaks truth to power. That’s why I love this place. People admit mistakes. People try to uphold standards. We all share the desire to know over the desire to be right. Not that we aren’t all tempted with a tad self righteousness at times. But it feels like we accept our humanity here. No one is perfect. (which is what I love about it here!!) It feels like sanity here because most of us can tolerate a tenth step, that is the ability to look at ourselves, seek truth, accept what is, and with little fanfare, change. To me, this is the difference between doing what works and doing what does not work!! May you accept what is and live in peace. Remembering that acceptance of slavery and all its damage, does not mean the same as condoning it. Acceptance is far more powerful because it allows us to move forward in the truth and to heal, but the healing doesn’t happen until we have truly accepted the reality of it and how it changed us, challenged us and still does today. Slavery was a direct symptom of greed. It’s a real consequence of greed. That’s the power of acceptance. We cannot change what we refuse to accept. So, look at the compulsion of greed in you, before pointing at uncle Bob. Look for your use of privilege and whether your behaviors are self serving or helping to heal the trauma wound. Look at your own desire to control, change or punish others before blaming someone else for your unhappiness. Look to control what you really have control over in you, rather than wasting time and energy controlling what you cannot control. As always “Be the Change”.
I am ending with a video of Sinead O’Conner singing the prayer of St Francis! It made me cry. She is such a great example of the need for this kind of healing and the true struggle!