From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE…
C&J: The First Decade and a Half
Fifteen years ago today, on December 10, 2003---7:33pm ET, to be exact, right smack in the middle of the run-up to the 2004 primary season---I posted the first edition of Cheers and Jeers, which promptly attracted two comments. Leaping at the chance to prove I could suck twice in a row, I wrote another one the next day. And the next. And the next. In my first ten columns I bagged a whopping 39 comments. C&J had landed with all the impact of a fresh dog turd in winter---it just kinda sat there and let off a little steam.
What a difference 5,479 days makes. Today there are more bells and whistles in C&J---now on the front page and attracting a few more comments---but it still operates on the same principle: mock the powerful, praise the praiseworthy, and provide a dash of sanity in a world gone mad, mad I tell you.
As my blogiversary gift to you, below the fold is the very first Cheers and Jeers for you to gawk at. It's been re-mastered, re-digitized, re-pixilated and given a new score by John Williams. To sweeten the deal, I've persuaded an all-star panel---"Individual-1," Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Senator Chuck Grassley (via twitter)---to join me in providing exclusive commentary.
C&J thanks you for 15 batty and bizarre years as we pull the lever on the wayback machine and head below the fold... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Here it is! The first-ever C&J from December 10, 2003, with exclusive commentary by Bill in Portland Maine, "Individual-1," Ruth Bader Ginsburg and live-tweets from Senator Chuck Grassley (yes, they are his actual tweets):
Dispatch from THE GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Bill in Portland Maine: Thanks for joining our running commentary of the first Cheers and Jeers, from December 10, 2003. The first thing I should point out is the lack of our trademark "Swoosh!! Gong!!" That would start appearing later as a dig at Fox News's philosophy that if you can't get your facts right, you can at least distract your elderly viewers with really loud sound effects. I believe Fox single-handedly saved the gong industry from extinction. So that's worth something, I guess.
Individual 1: C&J is a WITCH HUNT and fake Mueller probe shows NO COLLUSION!
Ruth Bader Ginsburg: I don’t know what Cheers and Jeers is, but it already seems awful wordy to me.
Chuck Grassley tweet: Tell me why a ”Christmas Cactus” blooms at thanksgiving instead of Christmas at Grassley House!
Cheer's and Jeers (with apologies...but not really...to TV Guide)
BiPM: If you look carefully you'll see C&J's very first punctuation error. That apostrophe still haunts my dreams.
Individual 1: No smoking gun's anywhere! Mueller should be IN JAIL!
Ginsburg: I saw Tony Scalia throw a chair over an errant apostrophe once. He took punctuation seriously. Almost as seriously as Justice Kavanaugh takes his boofing.
Grassley tweet: To UNI volleyball fans/want u to know I talked w Justice Thomas at Bush funeral 2day, Justice Th. is a big fan of women’s volleyball so I will invite him to game in CFalls.
CHEERS to Howard Dean for his extraordinary Gore Score. The early endorsement is cherry on top of the whipped cream (union endorsements) on top of the ice cream (grassroots) on top of the cake (Dean). Extra points for upstaging Bush's Medicare sideshow during Monday/Tuesday press cycles.
BiPM: I found Daily Kos by following a link from Dean's blog not long before I posted the first C&J. That was the first campaign I participated in that really electrified me. Howard had me at "What I wanna know is…" This place went wild when Al Gore endorsed him for president. The run-up to the actual 2004 primaries and caucuses was such a blast here at Big Orange.
Individual 1: Al Gore STOLE HIS OSCAR from me, which I was supposed to get for Home Alone II, where I pretended to be a compassionaite human. Should have also got nomination for Bo Derek epic Ghosts Can't Do It. RIGGED OSCARS! ECONOMY DOING GREAT!!!
Ginsburg: You gonna go on all day like this? Where I work we can cut you off.
Grassley tweet: Stopped by the grand opening of the Krause Gateway Center in downtown Des Moines which includes Kum & Go’s HQ.
JEERS to the Medicare bill. Democrats asleep at the wheel while Nero (Bush) fiddles. This turkey's as fake as the one in Baghdad mess hall.
BiPM: Ah, yes…the fake turkey. And the Medicare bill was the one where the chief actuary was threatened with his job by the Bushies if he revealed that it was basically a textbook case of deficit spending, plus it had a big gaping hole in it that Obamacare had to plug. Oh, and my play on the word "turkey" was pretty nimble, I thought.
Individual 1: The Poppy Bush funeral was very low energy. Very low energy. Maybe lowest energy funeral ever. Very low energy.
Ginsburg: We heard you the first two times.
Grassley tweet: Iowa’s largest fryin’ pan can be found in Brandon, Iowa.
CHEERS to John Edwards. Doogie Howser is coming into his own as thoughtful VP possibility. Newsweek column on jury system shows real compassion, pragmatism.
BiPM: [Silence]
Individual 1: [Silence]
Ginsburg: [Silence]
Grassley tweet: Real good cup of coffee from Smokey Row in Oskaloosa. Take my word for it.
JEERS to Joe Lieberman. Credible rumor now pegs his camp as source of Monday's Dean/Gore leak. Were sour grapes pouting all an act?
BiPM: What happened was, Gore told Lieberman in confidence---as a courtesy because they were on the ticket together in 2000---that he was endorsing Dean and not Lieberman for president. Lieberman then leaked the story to the press so he could steal Dean's thunder as a way of getting back at Gore. Not his biggest asshole moment, but it's probably in the top ten.
Individual 1: Joe Lieberman was a Republican in Demon Rat's clothing who represented the best ideals of American backstabbing politics...
Ginsburg: In bed! Ha ha. Alito gets very upset when I do that to him during orals.
Grassley tweet: If at first u don't succeed sky diving is not for u
JEERS to Alfred E. Koppel. Gives candidates not named Dean chance to blast Guv at point blank range in NH debate. All those who think he acted like a total dumbass, raise your hand.
CHEERS to Dennis Kucinich for Ted Koppel slapdown. No wonder the broads are coming out of the woodwork for this Ohio hottie (but can they go vegan?)
CHEERS to Carol Moseley Braun, for opting out of the Dean bloodbath at debate. Classy broad, don'tcha know.
BiPM: That was the debate where Ted Koppel---now 78---asked the candidates to "raise your hand if you believe that Howard Dean can beat George W. Bush." Kucinich then said something to Koppel like, "Some of the best talent in American politics is on this stage right now, so grow up." Oh, and I regret the use of the word broad. It was a different time back then during the Roaring Aughts.
Individual 1: I NEVER PAID FOR BROADS! Except all those times that don’t count. COHEN IS WEAK AND will be LOCKED up!!!
Ginsburg: You'll have to continue without me for a moment. I have to do my one-armed pushups now. One…two….. three…...
Grassley tweet: I feel like I’m playing 2nd trombone in the judiciary orchestra.
JEERS to Dick "Elmer Fudd" Cheney. Slaughters 70 pre-caught game birds on "hunting" expedition. As if we needed more proof that his heart was removed long ago...
BiPM: Then he got tired of shooting helpless birds in the ass and moved on to shooting helpless lawyers in the face.
Individual 1: I can think of OVER 15 LAWYERS I'd like to shoot on Fifth Avenue! Plus TWO FBI directors, EIGHT special counsel investigators, ONE Nancy Pelosi, 40 freshman DEMON RAT'S…
Ginsburg: Enough with the numbers. You're making me lose count! Twenty nine…thirty…
Grassley tweet: Prolific.
CHEERS to Supremes for upholding parts of McCain/Feingold bill. Sure it's a Band-Aid, but at least now it's got some real stick to it.
BiPM: No idea what that was about, but…rah rah whatever. I hope Russ runs for something again. Still can’t believe he couldn’t knock off Ron Johnson in ‘16.
Individual 1: I like war heroes who weren't captured. McCain was captured. I ate a lot of cheeseburgers the day I didn’t have to go to his funeral. His daughter’s such a...
Ginsburg: …ninety nine…one hundred!
Grassley tweet: ALERT U can watch “ Mountain Man” on History Channel NOW. BIG DEAL !!!!!!
CHEERS and a fond farewell to Senator Paul Simon. Some of the current occupants of The Chamber could take a lesson or two from him...but they're too dumb. Memo to Smithsonian: snag one of those bow ties!
BiPM: I always liked Paul Simon. Just an all-around good guy.
Individual 1: Kodachrome is a classic. Only film I ever used to take pictures of the Miss universe contestants in their dressings rooms. I NEED ANOTHER DIET COKE!
Ginsburg: Would you scoot over? You're creepin' me out.
Grassley tweet: For all of you who hate history go to the History Channel and watch “swamp mystery “
JEERS to George W. Bush's "spontaneous" appearance during Larry King Live show. Walk-on during end of Laura interview reveals hopelessly inarticulate boob. No Red Ryder BB gun for you, pal, until you learn how to say "Merry Christmas" without gritting your teeth.
BiPM: You can check the transcript: George W. Bush actually told Larry King that his wife Laura's decorating was "a heckuva good job." Ouch. What a dry drunk.
Individual 1: When it came to George Bush the second, I always say that as everyone knows the SEQUEL IS ALWAYS WORSE than the ORIGINAL!!!
Ginsburg: The Empire Strikes Back was better than Star Wars. Thriller was better than Off the Wall. Ms. Pac-Man was better than Pac-Man. But point taken.
Grassley tweet: Thank God I could enjoy my meatloaf from the counter at the Harlan Hyvee.
CHEERS to Al Gore for showing true cojones in Dean nod. Veep understands that the only way to break out of Democratic party complacency is to shake, shake, SHAKE things up. Beltway bluster proves he's right on.
BiPM: Gore was right for recognizing the potential of the grassroots and the value of the budding netroots. I shook his hand once. It was sweaty. I'm told that's a sign of high brain activity.
Individual 1: I have a great BRAIN! One of the best and smartest brains Better than Pence's brain. NO COLLUSION!!!
Ginsburg: News flash, potty mouth: RBG is going to win the Oscar for best documentary. Let's see your clogged arteries deal with that.
Grassley tweet: I think impossible is happening on history channel. I went outside for 2hrs to trim bushes and come in for lunch and there is STILL HISTORY ON HISTORY CHANNEL. Normally it wold be pawn shop or axe men not history.
CHEERS to the Maine lobster industry. Another banner year is good year for butter industry. And bib makers!
BiPM: We now have so many lobsters off the coast of Maine that pretty soon they'll be demanding their own representation in the legislature.
Individual 1: We must build a great wall across the eastern seaboard to keep out the lobster invaders! What is LAZY CHUCK SCHUMER waiting for…a full-scale invasion that turns our men and women into lobster-human hybrids? DANGEROUS!!! STOCK MARKET NOT MY FAULT!!!
Ginsburg: As soon as we leave this room, I'm going to pull out my titanium stent and beat you over the head with it.
Grassley tweet: Law says 15b gallons & Congress intended 15b gallons & Trump promised 15b gallons / why cant Pruitt do 15b gallons?
Developing...
BiPM: I added that word at the end of the first few columns as a little dig at Drudge. Which reminds me of a funny story. Back in 1978...
Individual 1: I need my executive time! NO COLLUSION, BIG WITCH HUNT, FAKE NEWS IS ENEMY OF THE PEOPLE... [ker-SLAM!!!]
Ginsburg: I'm outta here... [ker-SLAM!!!]
Grassley tweet: 3rd qtr UNI 27 Mo St 0. I’m going home. U look up final score yourself [ker-SLAM!]
BiPM: Oh well. I guess it can wait 'til our twentieth-year anniversary. Bye.
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