When I say, “I Demand That Trump and His Co-Conspirators Be Prosecuted As If They Were Black,” some of you will be so offended by the very notion that you will be — or will pretend to be — unable to understand what I mean. So let me be crystal clear with respect to how Donald Trump, Mike Pence, and all of their co-conspirators should be treated by the criminal justice system:
- They should all be tried as adults, despite their obvious lack of maturity, and that includes every single one of them — from Donald Trump Sr. right on down to young Barron Trump — who ever so much as jaywalked (because those sidewalks can be used as weapons, you know...);
- They should be denied bail altogether, or have their bail set so astronomically high that even their wealthiest family friend, Crown Prince Mohammed Bone Saw, couldn’t possibly afford it;
- All of the assets that they own, from Mar-a-Lago to Trump Tower to Ivanka’s stash of handbags, should be seized and forfeited to underwrite the costs of their prosecution and incarceration;
- For the rest of their lives, their mugshots — not airbrushed headshots from their publicists — should be used in every print and video publication in which their names are ever mentioned;
- They should each be tried by jurists of a different race, gender, religion, sexual orientation, age, income bracket, political party, and fashion sense than themselves, while receiving repeated and indignant assurances of impartiality from those jurists;
- For each of their crimes, they should receive the maximum penalties permitted by law, plus a few upward deviations that are not permitted by law (just for the “deterrent effect” hell of it);
- Their enhanced maximum penalties should all be run consecutively, not concurrently;
- All of them should be considered to be violent gang members, and should be permanently relegated to solitary confinement and denied all contact with the outside world (i.e., Twitter);
- To the extent that solitary confinement is not possible, they should each be housed with an obese cellmate nicknamed “Sweetmeat;”
- Every infraction they commit while incarcerated should result in a loss of privileges, such as life, liberty or the pursuit of happiness;
- Their protections against cruel and unusual punishment should remain strictly notional; and
- Should they live long enough to be eligible for release back into society, the terms of their probation should be stiffer than Jerry Falwell Jr. at the swimming pool of a gay-friendly hostel.
Some of you may think that all of this is too harsh. Fuck off. You’ve tolerated this treatment for African-Americans under our so-called criminal justice system, and now you can just suck it up and tolerate it for the Trumpsters, too.
So let there be no more talk of cooperation agreements, plea agreements, non-prosecution agreements, downward sentencing deviations, time served, leniency, commutations or pardons. I demand that America’s federal and state prosecutors and judges throw the book at Trump and ALL of his co-conspirators with the same zeal with which they always manage to do it to black people.